Sample Chapters

 

4

When the Mind Takes a Detour

 

“We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

2 Corinthians 10:5

 

“As we struggle to make sense of things, life looks on in repose.”

Unknown

 

Summer break was always a time of year that we, as children, looked forward to. No longer going to school each day, we were free to run, play, and explore. Similar to other boys of my age, I was intrigued with nature—especially bugs—and summer break provided ample opportunities to catch and release these little critters. One afternoon I decided to keep the beetle that I had caught and make it a pet. As bedtime neared, I found an empty pill bottle for the beetle to sleep in until the following day. Imagining that the beetle might suffocate if I put the cap on tight, I decided to leave it loose.

Drifting off to sleep, my thoughts were on getting up the next morning and playing with my new pet beetle but the evening did not turn out quite as expected. In the darkness of my bedroom, I was awakened to the flutter of vampire bat wings, or so my little mind thought! Pulling my blanket up over my neck and screaming out to my parents, Dad came to my rescue and helped me settle down and go back to sleep. Vampire bats in my room? Ridiculous, you might say. But to a young mind trying to make sense of the noise in the dark, that was my conclusion.

Three things are important to take note of in the example just shared. First, we all interpret the things that happen in life, and sometimes we make errors. Was it truly a “vampire bat” or my pet beetle? Once the light came on, it was obvious that it was the beetle simply doing what beetles do: fly around in open spaces. Second, my misinterpretation caused fear in me until my father stepped in and helped me see that it was the beetle, not a bat, that caused all the raucous. Correcting my misinterpretation changed how I felt and made it possible for me to go back to sleep. Third, and also important, was the fact that my misinterpretation had been ”primed” by other life experiences—in this case, having seen movies that had vampire bats in them. More on priming later.

Returning to the topic of sensation and perception covered earlier, we seek to make sense out of the things we experience in life…and sometimes we’re just as incorrect in our interpretations as I was. Cognitive distortions, then, are misinterpretations of events that are not aligned with reality. Did I hear the fluttering of wings? Yes. Was the interpretation I came up with realistic? Not at all. Did correcting the interpretation help? Absolutely! And that is exactly what we need to do in everyday life: identify misinterpretations—commonly referred to as cognitive distortions or mental errors—and correct these beliefs so that they are better aligned with truth and reality.

Identifying What Needs to Be Changed

The challenge we often face once we have noticed and caught our initial reactions is that of identifying and differentiating what is truthful thinking versus distortions of thought. For help in this area, we draw upon the classic cognitive distortions developed by renowned psychiatrist, author, and pioneer in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dr. David D. Burns for assistance. Following are ten common ways that he identified as distortions in our beliefs that can be used as we pause to give a reality check to our beliefs.

Labeling. This distortion turns an observation, behavior or mistake (by self or others) into a negative label by defining things, yourself or others by a single event or flaw.  Instead of acknowledging that “I failed” at something in particular, we quickly jump to the judgment that “I’m a failure.” There are a host of other labels that get used to describe the behaviors of ourselves and others that are distortions of judgment that create other thoughts, feelings, and reactions in us. For example, if someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, are they a “jerk” or “loser” (or some other negative label) or a fellow human being that is doing something less than what we would like?

This is also true of how we judge events that happen in our lives. One day as I was driving along, I caught myself using a label that was a distortion and, once noticed, I did exactly what was shared in the previous chapter that corrected it. The event that occurred was that as I was driving along on the highway one day, a car passed by me and as it went by me, I thought to myself, “That’s an ugly car.” Before I noticed what I thought, I noticed the feeling that comes when we have been judgmental. So I mentally asked myself, “What just happened?” with my answer being, “I just labeled a car ‘ugly’.” Remembering that “labeling” is one of the ways we distort life events, I asked myself, “Is it an ‘ugly car’ or one that I just don’t care for the color of?” That was more accurate—and less judgmental and emotionally loaded. Once I corrected the belief, I felt bad for having judged someone else’s vehicle in such a way (after all, I wouldn’t want someone judging my car negatively either) and made note that for whatever reason that day, I was being judgmental and that is not how I want to be. Once the realization was made, I was thankful that I caught, checked, and corrected this thought distortion. I then humorously asked myself, “David, who made you the fashion police on this highway anyway?” and smiled as I offered a bit of grace to myself.

Using the pattern shared earlier, here’s how my “ugly car” story is broken down:

Event:
A car passes me on the highway that catches my attention.

Catch It—Automatic Thought:
“That’s an ugly car.”

Check It—Labeling — defined as turning a single observation, behavior or mistake (by self or others) into a negative label.

Change It—Balanced Thought:
“It’s not an ‘ugly car,’ I just don’t prefer the color of it.”

My “ugly car” story is not one I am proud of but am thankful it happened, as renewing our minds is not a one-time event but rather is a daily practice of monitoring our thoughts, checking them for distortions, and replacing error in our beliefs with truth.

Overgeneralization. This form of misperception draws sweeping conclusions from one negative event and sees it as part of an endless pattern. Saying things like, “I always do stupid things” carries with it a condemning tone that reinforces itself by the memories that come to mind of other mistakes made. Consider the following example of James:

Situation:
James sends an email to his team with a small typo and the wrong attachment.

Catch It—Automatic Thought:

“I messed that up. I always mess things up.”

Check It—Overgeneralization — defined as turning one mistake into a sweeping statement about who he is.

Change It—Balanced Thought:
“I made a mistake on this email. That happens. I can resend it and be more careful next time.”

When we select out failures and mistakes we’ve made, it tends to reinforce the belief that this pattern is true. In other words, it takes one event and turns it into an overarching statement about who we are.

Should Statements. Pressuring yourself or others with “shoulds,” “musts,” or “oughts” leads to feelings of guilt when applied to ourselves (since we didn’t do what we should have done) and anger when applied to others (who aren’t doing what they should have done). Using rigid rules to judge self or others often flows from internalized rules we have about how life is supposed to work (more on rules in the next chapter). For example, “I should be a better Christian by now” does not help us improve in our walk with Christ, it leads us to feeling guilty about where we see ourselves currently.

Should statements are all about expectations and sometimes we need pause for a bit to take a look at how realistic our expectations are. Using the diagram below, we see that there is a space between our expectations and reality. The amount of frustration we have in life is strongly tied to the distance between what is realistic and what we expect in any given situation.

Insert diagram here

 

If our expectations are not far removed from reality, we may experience only minor frustration (accompanied by a mild emotional response). If, however, the distance is moderate to large, we will moderate to large levels of frustration (accompanied by moderate to large emotional responses).

Think back on a frustrating situation that you recently had and ask yourself: “What was I expecting?” followed by “Was my expectation realistic?” If you find that the expectation was unrealistic, even if only slightly, think about what would have been a better, more realistic expectation and try this on the next time you’re in a similar situation. One of my clients shared with me that whenever he finds himself thinking “I should…” he stops and reframes his thought into “It would be better if…” regarding things he formerly would feel beaten down by when he applied an unrealistic should statement on himself.

Closely tied to should statements are the feelings of shame and regret that we may carry. Shame is experienced when we reflect back upon choices we have made and feel badly about ourselves as a result. “I can’t believe that I….” usually is the ongoing, underlying voice that we hear deep inside when we remember these choices. Regret occurs along with shame but can be tied not only to what we have done, but also to things we think we should have done. “I wish that I had waited…” or “If only I had…” echo in the caverns of our minds. We can never wish away shame and regrets, but we can challenge them with the reality that is found in Romans 8:28: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” In other words, God somehow weaves together the good, bad, and neutral decisions of our lives into a tapestry of who we are today, people who are deeply loved by God.

All-or-Nothing Thinking (Perfectionism). This form of distorted thinking is best understood as believing that anything less than flawless is not good enough—and that your worth depends on getting everything exactly right. At its core, perfectionism is not about achieving excellence, it’s about fear—fear of failure, disappointing others, being criticized, or not being enough to be accepted. Interestingly, procrastination is often connected to perfectionism in that perfectionists can get so overwhelmed with all that they believe is required to accomplish tasks perfectly that it drains the energy out of them when they think of starting. “Good enough” is a phrase that is a bit hard to swallow for those who believe strongly in perfection for their inner thoughts are driven by “If it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough.”

The antidote for perfectionistic thinking is self-compassion paired with flexible standards. Let me ask you a few questions:

• Do you have friends who are perfect?
• Do you expect your friends to be perfect?
• When your friends make a mistake, are you harsh in your judgment of them?

It’s unlikely that you answered “yes” to any of these questions. Why? Because we tend to allow our friends to be less than perfect (aka human) and are more compassionate toward them when they make mistakes than we are to ourselves. Being compassionate toward oneself challenges the double standard we can so easily fall into where we speak to ourselves in a harsher tone and with higher expectations than we do with a friend. So, when perfectionism whispers, “When you mess up, you’re no good,” a compassionate and reality-based response is “Mistakes are part of being human and, besides, my worth is not based on being flawless.”

Perfectionistic thinking is difficult enough to live by in everyday matters, but when the setting of impossible standards and judging yourself harshly when you fall short spills over into our lives as Christians, it leaves us always feeling like we are not good enough even for God. But how, you might ask, does perfectionism enter the life of a Christian? In a nutshell, there are two main reasons for this happening. First, there are those who misinterpret the passage of scripture found in Matthew 5:48 that reads, “But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” If we read this verse without understanding the meaning of the word “perfect” as used here, we are left with the impossible standard of flawlessness. The Greek word for “perfect” (teleios) suggests a journey of becoming “complete” or “finished” over time through faith, repentance, and grace, and reaching a state of Christ-like love that includes loving enemies. It is better to think of Christian perfection as being mature in our faith and fully becoming the person that God has created us to be, not necessarily without error in this life.

A second reason that perfectionism enters into the life of some believers is that we may have been exposed to the unrealistic standards of powerful people in our lives, such as parents in our formative years, and have assumed that God expects the same out of us. Perfectionistic thinking is a form of distorted thought that makes its way into the rules that we live by.

Jumping to Conclusions. This way of distorting reality falls into two sub-categories: Fortune Telling and Mind Reading.

 Fortune Telling. Wouldn’t it be great if we could accurately predict when bad things are going to happen so that we could avoid them?

• Knowing ahead of time that you’re going to run over a nail on Fourth Street would cause you to take Third Street instead.
• Knowing beforehand that the plane you are boarding will encounter engine problems mid-air and will make a rough emergency landing would lead you to book a different flight or not fly at all.
• Knowing before entering a gymnasium that the roof would collapse in the third quarter would keep you from going to the basketball game on Friday night.

Predicting negative outcomes without evidence and acting upon these predictions is what this distortion is all about. It is actually a form of pessimism where we expect things in our lives to turn out badly, as if we could predict the future, and act upon these predictions to our detriment. Thinking to ourselves, “This won’t work out” will generally lead us to not try that thing at all and “They won’t want to go out with me” will undermine any confidence we might have in asking someone out. This kind of distorted thinking deflates ambition and inflates avoidance in life and our relationships.

Mind Reading.  Assuming you know what others are thinking without any real evidence is the earmark of this distortion. It is the natural consequence of trying to figure out how to conduct ourselves with others by reading their expressions, gestures, and tones of voice. All three of these are important in communication yet each can be misperceived.

Who hasn’t had the experience where we thought someone was waving at us and we smiled and waved back only to realize they were waving to someone else? A simple mistake that makes the point that just like we can misinterpret someone’s wave, we can also misperceive a look. This thought dawned on me as I was enjoying a burger at a restaurant. This was one of those eateries with multiple television screens mounted on the walls and the one airing a sporting event that I was interested in was positioned just above a table across the room and directly above another dining couple. The thought crossed my mind at one point, “I hope they realize that I’m watching the game just overhead and am not looking at them.” That could lead to a very awkward conversation if they misperceived my looking in their direction!

None of us really knows for certain what is going on in the minds of others and yet we often believe we are correct enough at doing so that we project our interpretation onto the other person—sometimes with very poor results. Imagine that you just got home from shopping and your spouse asked, “What did you get?” If you perceived that they were curious about whether you found what you were looking for, you likely would be happy they were interested and show them what you bought. If, however, you thought to yourself in the following manner your interaction would be very different: “They’re wondering how much I spent. I know money has been tight lately but I didn’t purchase what I did just for the fun of it. Besides, they buy whatever they want and I don’t say anything about it to them. How come they’re always checking up on me?”

The cure for mind reading is two-fold. First, check your perception out with the other person to see if you’re reading them correctly. Second, and possibly even more difficult, is to take them at their word and believe what they tell you over your belief about what’s in their mind. The second part is more difficult because it involves trusting that the person is telling the truth and not trying to dodge responsibility.

Mental Filter. This way of distorting reality occurs when one negative detail becomes the entire story to the point that the mind’s focus is on the negative aspect and filters out everything positive or neutral. How it works is as follows:

• An event happens.
• Both positive and negative elements are present in the event.
• The mind focuses on the negative details.
• The negative details now become the summary of what happened.

Focusing only on the negative details and ignoring the positives sets us up to feel badly and to act differently than we would with a more balanced outlook.

I found this to be the case when I first became a professor and it came time for me to read over the course evaluations for classes I had just finished teaching. I received predominately positive feedback from students but occasionally would get a comment that was critical of some aspect of my teaching or of the course itself. Which comments do you imagine had a lingering effect? You guessed it, the negative comments. Thankfully I came to recognize some distorted thinking on my part that had caused me to focus more on the negative than the positive. Once I realized this I asked myself how realistic is it to think that every comment on a course evaluation will be positive? Also, if every comment is positive, is that a good measure of my teaching ability or of the quality of a course? And further, a negative comment can provide the opportunity for me to improve my course.

Discounting the Positive. Making the shift from focusing solely on the negative in any event opens up the possibility that there may be more to the story than just what is wrong in it. When we discount the positive in our lives as unimportant or accidental, we dismiss or minimize the good that happens as well as the good qualities we possess. Often this is done by attributing any positive to luck, chance, or ulterior motive.

I recall having a counseling session with someone who utilized this way of thinking. When I pointed out a positive quality that I noticed in her, the response I received was, “You’re just being nice to me because I pay you.” I wasn’t offended by her comment as I knew that she had had a history of people who had ulterior motives for anything positive they offered her. In sessions that followed she was able to learn how discounting positives from others served as protection from being taken advantage of, but it also distanced her from seeing some of the God-given qualities she possessed that others saw in her.

Magnification & Minimization. Connected to the previous two distortions of focus, this one happens when we blow problems up or shrink our strengths down. It is an exaggeration of the magnitude of our problems or its flipside, the minimization of our strengths and successes. Notice how this plays out in Derek’s life:

Situation:
Derek plays high school basketball and in one game he scores 18 points but misses several outside shots in the second half.

Catch It—Automatic Thought:
“I can’t believe I missed those shots. I was awful tonight. I probably cost us the game.”

Check It—Magnification & Minimization — defined as enlarging his mistakes (the missed shots) while shrinking his successes (18 points, solid defense, several assists).

Change It—Balanced Reframe:
“I missed some shots, but I also contributed a lot. No one plays perfectly. I can review what to improve without dismissing what I did well.”

Derek’s balanced reframing of what happened helped him feel better about how he played and prompted him to take a look at how he might improve his playing ability. Make no mistake about it, though, challenging distorted thinking, whether it’s this distortion or others, takes effort and continued practice until it becomes second-nature to us. As is said in education, the biggest obstacle to new learning is old learning.

Catastrophizing. Expecting the worst-case scenario and blowing things out of proportion is what this distortion is about. It is an extreme form of exaggeration in our thinking that is negative and often is verbalized with catastrophic words. The thinking of children and adolescents often leans in this direction due to their lack of life experience and tendency to think in terms of the immediate as being how life will continue to be in the future. As a pouting 5-year-old was recently heard to say after being corrected, “This is the worst day of my life.” Life at the moment can be interpreted in the extreme by young minds. One of my teen clients shared the wisdom that his mother once told him when he was having a bad day: “You’re having a bad day, it’s not a bad life.” This kind of corrective thinking can help us avoid interpreting life events in catastrophic ways.

Catastrophizing is best cured by adopting a realistic perspective grounded in probability and healthy coping strategies. Catastrophizing scares us into thinking that the answer to “What if the worst happens?” is just out of our awareness and if we think about it long enough, we’ll come up with an answer so we can relax. Unfortunately, this type of “What If” thinking is unsatiable because it never ends with a good answer. “What if lose my job?” rarely ends with “Well, I’ll update my resume and online profile and begin checking for employment opportunities elsewhere.” What typically happens is our thoughts turn to “If I lose my job, I’ll lose my house and car and all health benefits. It’s then that I’ll likely go into bankruptcy and my credit score will be ruined!” Catastrophizing resists rational thinking and assumes we will not be able to cope with what comes our way.

In response to the thought, “What if the worst happens?” we need to reframe our thinking with probability questions such as “What’s the likelihood of that happening?” and assigning a percentage to the probability. Applying this reframed way of thinking to the “What if I lose my job” question, one can now broaden their vision of facts as they seek to find a percentage figure: “I’ve been given positive job reviews the past three years, have been promoted and given more responsibilities, and the business is doing well” might lead to the belief that “There is only a 10% chance of losing my job based on the uncertainty of the economy and life itself having no guarantees.”

Emotional Reasoning. This particular type of distortion involves believing something must be true because it feels true—even without evidence. This is a common experience for people who suffer from anxiety. I feel anxious so there must be something to be anxious about. In situations where anxiety is overwhelming without any immediate stressor it is like having an internal fire alarm that is malfunctioning. Persons with this type of experience then begin searching to come up with a reason they are feeling anxious—Is something bad about to happen? Did I forget to pay a bill? Are my kids safe at school? All of these thoughts make the anxiety worse rather than better.

I’ve compared emotional reasoning with the famous French philosopher Descartes’ saying, “I think, therefore I am” in this manner: “I feel, therefore it must be true.” Feelings, however, can be tricky things. We can feel happy for no apparent reason and simply savor the feeling without questioning why it is so. But when we feel anxious, depressed, or guilty, we believe that there must be something wrong and we need to make it right:

• Anxiety invites us to check to make sure everything and everyone is safe.
• Depression invites us to see ourselves, others, and the world that we live in as being disappointing.
• Guilt invites us to do a moral inventory of our lives until we find something that we feel guilty for.

One of the problems with emotional reasoning is that we can always come up with a reason for our emotions, but some of the reasons that we come up with do not line up with facts. Feelings speak louder than facts until we train ourselves to trust the facts until the feelings change.

            Let’s return to anxiety for a moment. A person who feels that something bad is about to happen becomes more anxious when they continue to entertain the thoughts that the feeling promotes within them. I’ve used a stepped approach with anxious individuals in counseling where I acknowledge their feeling yet challenge the truth of it by saying “It’s how it feels, but it may not be how it is.” We then move into an approach that tests the reality of their thoughts and seeks to build their resilience skills. The first step in this process is to acknowledge the feeling as opposed to ignoring or giving into it. If you are anxious, admit it to yourself without allowing the feeling to convince you that something is actually wrong. Next, test the facts to see if there is indeed something creating the emotion. This is different than searching out why you feel the way that you do as you are investigating any immediate reasons for such an emotion. A realistic reason for being anxious could be hearing a tornado siren going off in your neighborhood and the weather forecast on television indicating a storm is approaching. An unrealistic reason is usually one that we have to think to come up with such as “Are the kids safe at school? There must be something going on there as to the reason why I am anxious.” The third and final step is to build resilience which means that we draw upon lessons we’ve learned about how to manage our lives even when our emotions seem to be working against us. Talking to a friend, getting adequate sleep, and journaling can all be tools we draw upon as we seek to manage difficult emotions. Here’s how such an approach would be practiced at home:

 Situation: Megan wakes up feeling uneasy. Her heartbeat feels slightly elevated, and there’s a vague sense that something is wrong — but nothing specific has happened.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Emotion

Instead of trying to immediately fix it, she admits to herself: “I feel anxious right now.”

She doesn’t attach a story to it. She simply notices: tight chest, restless thoughts, subtle dread. Then she adds: “Just because I feel anxious doesn’t mean something is wrong.”

Step 2: Test the Facts

Her mind whispers: “What if I’m forgetting something important?” “What if today turns into a disaster?” She gently asks herself:

• “Is there evidence something is actually wrong?”
• “Did anything specific happen to trigger this?”
• “Is this a feeling or a fact?”

She soon realizes:

• Nothing unusual has happened.
• Today’s schedule is ordinary.
• Her body may just be stressed or under-rested.

The anxiety is present — but no danger is assumed.

Step 3: Build Resilience

Megan shifts her thinking to: “Even if I feel anxious, I can still move through my day” and decides to:

• Take slow, deep breaths.
• Go for a short walk.
• Continue with her normal routine.

Instead of waiting for the feeling to disappear, she carries it calmly. Her resilience grows when she is able to say, “This anxiety doesn’t have a clear cause — and I am still safe and capable.”

What was Helpful in this approach?

• The emotion was validated, not resisted or ignored.
• The facts were checked, not assumed that there must be something wrong.
• Her coping ability was strengthened, not dismissed.

What makes emotional reasoning one of the most difficult distortions to identify and change has to do with the fact that we tend to make decisions in life based more often on how we feel than on logic. Advertisers have known this for years and will seek to draw upon the feelings of consumers to purchase their products. If we stick with emotional reasoning, we will likely make an uninformed choice; if we use our minds to think decisions through first, we may save ourselves some headaches later. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt is credited with explaining that we typically experience emotions first and then use our minds to think and choose what to do next. He compared our emotions to the old software within us that needs to be checked by the new software of our more rational thinking.

            Along with updating our mental software to be more in alignment with truth and reality, I sometimes suggest that clients become curious about the emotions they encounter and “ask” them what they are trying to tell the person. I recall reading one of Parker Palmer’s books where he shared about a bout of depression that he had experienced. He compared the depression to something that followed him and kept tossing stones at him to get his attention. He mentioned that when he stopped, turned around, and asked depression what it wanted, that he gained some insight into the emotion. Sometimes emotions such as depression and anxiety might be trying to tell us that there are other distortions or rules at work. For example, asking anxiety what it wants could lead us to see that we want everyone in our lives to be happy and believe that we should be able to make that happen.

Personalization. When you assume that events happening around you are about you when they’re not, you’re using the personalization distortion. This involves taking responsibility for things that aren’t fully in your control as was discussed earlier, but it also applies to other life events such as a flat tire. “Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong?” assumes that there is always a cause-and-effect reason for negative things happening and the cause is always you.

Personalization is best dealt with by realizing that there are a multitude of reasons why things happen in life, and they don’t all involve you or me. Asking questions like, “What actual evidence says this is about me?” or “What other explanations are possible?” are helpful as many times we are filling in information rather than investigating what else might be involved. Learning to entertain the thought that although there may be times that I may play a part in things, I am not the sole cause of everything that happens around me is a step in the right direction.

Additional Ways We Distort Reality

Blame of Self or Others. Assigning total responsibility to self or others is another way we can experience distortions in our beliefs. Taking responsibility for things that aren’t fully under our control will lead us to self-blame where we believe This is all my fault. This can be seen in the following example of Jim and Sue:

Situation: Jim and Sue had an awkward dinner with friends. The conversation felt tense all evening.

Catch It—Jim’s Automatic Thought:
“This was my fault. I must have said something wrong. I ruin social situations.”

Check It—Self-Blame — defined as taking full responsibility for something influenced by many factors. In this case, Jim feels responsible for how the evening turned out.

Change It—Jim’s Balanced Reframe:
“The evening felt tense, but that doesn’t mean I caused it. Other things may have been going on.”

Interpersonal interactions have many variables that play into how things turn out. The person who is quick to take responsibility for how things go with others tends not to take all of the variables into consideration. In Jim’s case, two interconnected beliefs are likely happening at the same time. First, from his early days he has always felt a need to keep others happy and when he has not been able to do so, he feels bad and second-guesses himself. Second, in his current situation, his inner script (that he is responsible for the happiness of others) triggers his automatic thought of self-blame when the evening turned awkward.

Notice in Jim’s balanced reframe that he opens up to the idea that he is not 100% responsible for how the evening turned out and this takes some of the stress off of him. Oftentimes it is helpful to create a Responsibility Pie to think through what our actual part is in terms of the stressful situation. As Jim thought about it, his Responsibility Pie looked like the following:

Insert diagram here

 

Holding others entirely responsible for how you feel or what went wrong shifts the blame totally to others as can be seen in Ethan’s situation:

Situation: Ethan misses a project deadline.

Catch It—Automatic Thought:
“This is all my coworker’s fault. If they had done their part better, none of this would have happened.”
Check It—Other-Blame — Defined as assigning total responsibility to someone else. Ethan is blaming his coworker for missing the project deadline.

Change It—Balanced Reframe:
“There were delays on their end, but I also could have followed up sooner. We both played a part.”

Similar to Jim, Ethan’s balanced reframe helps him see that he was not totally responsible missing the deadline but did have a part to play in it. This helps strike the balance so that we can own our part of the problem rather than pushing it all off onto someone or something else. As Ethan reflected on who or what was at fault for the missed deadline, his Responsibility Pie looked like the following:

Insert diagram here

 

Expected Appreciation.  This distorted way of perceiving life is based upon the idea that if I do good for others, they will in turn do good for me. The Golden Rule of “Do into others as you would have them do unto you” gets reversed and transformed into an expectation that others should do for me what I do for them.

Mother Teresa, known for her life of service to the poorest of the poor in India, would disagree with the notion that we should expect appreciation from others for the good we do for them. In fact, the poem by Dr. Kent M. Keith that was originally titled The Paradoxical Commandments, so resonated with her heart that she created an amended version, renamed it Do It Anyway, and had it’s words inscribed on the wall of her children’s home in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God ; it was never between you and them anyway.

Expecting that your sacrifices or good deeds will be rewarded by others is a distortion that can lead us into feeling unappreciated which could lead further to other feelings of resentment. Feeling resentful could, in turn, affect our choices as to whether or not we will continue doing good for others since we now may harbor thoughts such as “They don’t deserve it anyway.”

The remedy for this type of distortion can be seen in the following:

Catch It—Automatic Thought:
“They owe me gratitude.”

Check It—Expected Appreciation — Defined as if I do good for others, they will in turn do good for me.

Change It—Balanced Reframe:
“I chose to do this because it aligns with who I want to be.”

As Christians, we can also draw upon the teachings of Scripture to challenge the idea that others should appreciate what we do for them. Verses such as those found in Colossians 3:23-24 can be very helpful:

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

The message of these verses can further solidify our mental shift so that our focus now is on pleasing God, not on receiving appreciation from others.

The Practice of the Presence of God is a book containing the collected teachings of Brother Lawrence, a 17^th-century Carmelite friar, who worked in a monastery kitchen—washing dishes, preparing meals, and doing ordinary tasks. In his writings he emphasized that even the smallest act could be an act of love toward God. If no one noticed his work, it did not matter because the work was offered to God. He suggested that when we act for God alone, we are freed from resentment when unappreciated, pride when praised, and discouragement when unnoticed. Appreciation from others, then, becomes secondary, not primary.

The Comparison Trap. This distortion works by turning differences into deficiencies—convincing us that someone else’s success means our failure. In its essence, it is measuring our worth or progress by someone else’s visible achievements. This type of distorted thinking typically leaves us feeling discouraged, lacking in confidence, and even resentful.

Situation: Natalie attends her college reunion and hears classmates talk about their promotions, businesses, and advanced degrees.

Catch It—Automatic Thought:
“Everyone else is so far ahead of me. I must have made the wrong choices. I’m behind in life.”

Check It—The Comparison Trap — Defined as measuring your worth or progress by someone else’s visible achievements, Natalie is comparing her full, complex life — including struggles and personal growth — to selected highlights from the lives of others.

Change It—Balanced Reframe:
“People share their accomplishments, not their challenges. My path is different, not deficient.”

Although it is normal to compare ourselves to others in some ways, it becomes unhealthy when we compare our entire life to a highlight from someone else’s. Using the example above, if we perceive that a friend is more successful than we are based upon what they have, what they do, and who they are with, we miss out on seeing the many ways our lives are different. In fact, focusing on how we measure up to others causes us to miss out on seeing the person God has created each of us to be and the lives He has called us to live.

I own a set of golf clubs but that does not qualify me to be considered a golfer. This became clear to me when I was invited to go golfing with three other friends who golfed several times a week. When I found myself shanking a shot or “baptizing” a golf ball in the water hazard and the others didn’t, my comparative thinking led me to feeling less than the others without them saying a word about my performance. Once, when walking down a fairway to where my drive had landed, I had a little mental conversation with myself that went something like this:

• David, are you planning on going pro? My answer: “No.”
• Are you going to take golf lessons? Again, my answer: “No.”
• Are you going to the driving range to practice your shots? I answered to myself, “Maybe,” as this was a possibility.
• Are you going to golf 2-3 times a week? My thoughts now weighing out all that is involved with becoming a better golfer I answered, “No, I can’t afford that or have the time to do so.”
• Then, what are you doing out here? Finally, my self-talk led me away from the comparison trap to the reality of why I was out there that day: “I’m here to enjoy being with my friends” was the thought that made all the difference.

When the comparisons dropped and I focused on my reason for being there, it changed everything. Did I still use more of the course than they did (due to sending balls all over the place)? Yes, but it was enjoyable because I was with my friends who also helped me improve my game when I asked for their advice.

Fairness Fallacy. For middle kids such as myself, this distortion can be a struggle as our mantra for life tends to be—That’s not fair! Believing that life should always be fair can lead to becoming resentful when it isn’t. The distortion aligns with the should statements mentioned earlier in that we have come to believe life is supposed to be one way and when it isn’t, we protest.
As human beings we seem to be wired with a deep sense of justice where fairness matters in all areas of our lives. The distortion happens when we cling tightly to the belief that fairness is assumed to be a universal principle and life owes us the balance. Imagine for a moment that you worked diligently on a project at work but someone else got promoted. Thinking “That’s disappointing” and feeling disappointed is realistic; thinking “This is SO unfair. It shouldn’t be this way” confuses your preferences and values for fairness with the reality that life is unfair and leaves you feeling frustrated and angry.

Healthy thinking recognizes that fairness is a value and that not everyone shares the same value as you do.

The Power of Words—Choose Wisely!

This final category of distorted thinking involves how we misuse language in either the words chosen or the intensity of the words we use. These distortions are not about facts, but rather how strongly we describe them by the words we choose. For example, stating that “I hate it when that happens” will intensify the feeling a person experiences so that it aligns with the words chosen. Hate is an extreme word that should be reserved for things that we truly hate, like injustice or abuse. Using hate to describe a strong dislike for something is inaccurate and leads to feelings and choices that are in alignment with the word chosen, not the reality experienced.

            Language is a very powerful thing as we all know. Often, however, we miss the fact that language not only describes, it creates. An example of this is when we turn people into objects and once this is done to them, “objects” get treated poorly in word and action. “Those people” takes away the identity of the persons being spoken of and excuses the way we might treat them. Jesus brought this concept to light when he was asked “And who is my neighbor?” by an expert in the law. His answer was nested in the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). In Jesus’ day the term “Samaritan” carried with it far more than simply an ethnic or geographical meaning, it was loaded with historical tension, religious disagreement, and social prejudice. The word often carried with it negative connotations and so Jesus challenged the negative mindset toward “those people” by highlighting that the Samaritan in his story was indeed an admirable person whose actions were characteristic of one who was “a neighbor to the man that fell into the hands of robbers” (verse 36).

Additionally, Proverbs declares, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words” (18:21 AMP). Catching ourselves in the act of formulating words before speaking them aloud can do much for not only renewing our minds, but also for strengthening our relationships. For example, before making a statement to others, think about how it will come across to them. If it needs editing, doing so before speaking it out will do much for how our message is received. Consider the following,

Aaron walked into the kitchen of his shared dorm room and saw dishes stacked in the sink again. He felt irritation rise immediately. His first thought: “Why do I always have to handle this? No one else cares.” He opened his mouth — then stopped. He noticed the tension in his chest and took a breath. Instead of reacting, he asked himself: “What do I actually want right now — to win a moment or keep peace?”

A few minutes later his roommate came in, looking tired. Aaron said calmly,
“Hey, could we make a plan for dishes? I’ve been feeling overwhelmed keeping up with them.” His roommate exhaled in relief. “Yeah… I’ve been swamped this week. I didn’t realize it piled up on you. Let’s split them tonight.”

The conversation ended with both of them washing dishes and talking. The problem got solved — and the relationship stayed intact — because Aaron let his thoughts settle before his words left his mouth.

Priming Revisited

At the beginning of this chapter, I mentioned how my childhood experiences with vampire movies primed my initial interpretation that a “vampire bat” was in my bedroom. This is a simple form of priming where our past experiences form a quick interpretation of what is happening in the present moment. As humorous as my interpretation likely was to my father, it was terrifying to me until I found out the truth.

Another form of priming comes wrapped in the expectations we have developed throughout life and, once identified, need to be corrected to be in alignment with truth and reality. Unrealistic expectations that have been developed earlier in life now are subjected to realistic thinking. For example, an unrealistic expectation of how long it takes to get a table at a popular restaurant at dinnertime on a Friday night creates stress and frustration when it takes longer than one thinks that it should. Having the realistic expectation that it likely will be a long wait helps reframe the expectation so that one expects a wait time and is pleased when a table opens up sooner than was previously expected. Priming our thinking in such a way helps us have a different emotional and behavioral reaction that is more in alignment with reality. In a YouTube video by clinical psychologist, Dr. J. Ryan Fuller, he shared how he helps his anger management clients adjust their expectations with the acronym PREP which stands for Prime Realistic Expectations Prior. Good advice indeed.

What’s Next?

Up to this point, we have focused our attention on how we think and the quick interpretations, or automatic thoughts, that shape our emotions and reactions to any given event. We’ve seen that it is our beliefs that are in need of renewal and in this chapter have identified what some of the more common distortions are and the ways to catch, check, and change any beliefs that are unhealthy and unhelpful to us. For many people, examining and changing their beliefs so they align more closely with truth and reality sets them on a path to renewal in their thinking. They may not know where their distorted thoughts originated, but clearing them up has led them to feeling and behaving in healthier ways.

For us to experience deep inner transformation, we need to get at the origins of our unwanted primed responses as well as what drives our automatic thoughts that contain distortions. That is the focus of our next chapter.

Renewal Reflection

1. What patterns of distorted thinking do I most commonly fall into (e.g., labeling, overgeneralizing, mind reading, catastrophizing)?
   How have these patterns shaped the way I see myself, others, and my circumstances?
2. When I experience strong emotions, how often do I assume those feelings are telling me the truth?
   What might it look like to pause and ask, “Is this how it feels, or is this how it actually is?”
3. In what areas of my life might past experiences be “priming” my current interpretations?
   How might God be inviting me to reframe those interpretations in light of truth and grace?
4. How do my expectations (especially “should” statements or fairness beliefs) influence my level of frustration in life?
   Are my expectations aligned with reality and Scripture, or are they creating unnecessary pressure?
5. What would it look like for me to actively take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ in everyday situations?
   How can I begin replacing distorted thinking with truth that reflects the mind of Christ?

Renewal Prayer

Lord,
You know the ways my mind can drift from truth and take detours into distortion.
Help me to become aware of the patterns of thinking that are not aligned with You.

When my thoughts feel convincing but are not true,
give me the wisdom to pause and examine them.
Teach me to replace distortion with truth,
and to see my life, myself, and others through Your perspective.

Guard my mind from misinterpretation,
and renew my thinking so that it reflects the mind of Christ.
Help me to walk in truth, respond with grace,
and live in the freedom You have given me.

Amen.

 

5

Following the Rules We Never Chose

 

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Galatians 5:1 NIV

 

“We are not called to perform the roles we learned—we are invited to live from who we truly are.”

Anonymous

 

Identifying misperceptions and cognitive distortions in our automatic thoughts and challenging them with more truthful and reality-based beliefs is a powerfully liberating endeavor. But these are not at the core of our struggle—they are the fruit of what we believe in the depths of our hearts. If you pay close attention to how you think daily, you will likely notice something else happening as well. Some of the ways you think seemingly repeat themselves and feel very familiar; so familiar, in fact, they we sometimes may say, “Well, that’s just the way I am.”

The reason for this is that there are two underlying layers of thought that lie beneath our automatic thoughts that quietly organize how we see ourselves, others, the world we live in, and even God. The deepest layer of beliefs, commonly referred to as core beliefs (the focus of the chapter that follows), carry with them a set of rules & assumptions for how we are to conduct ourselves and often create life roles we find ourselves living out.

Sound confusing? Consider Michael’s story to see how he discovered some underlying beliefs that he was operating out of that went deeper than the automatic thoughts he experienced.

Michael had always been dependable. As the oldest child, he stepped in when things felt unstable at home. He learned early: If I hold everything together, I am valued.

At forty-two, he was still holding everything together—at work, at church, at home. And he was exhausted.

Over coffee one day with a close friend, he shared his feelings of being overwhelmed and in the conversation heard himself say out loud, “If I don’t fix things, everything will fall apart.” “Will it?” his friend asked. Michael paused and realized: My team at work are very capable people. The other members of the church committee that I serve on are reliable and committed people as well. My family is strong and doing well. Maybe everything doesn’t depend on me. For the first time, he saw it clearly: He wasn’t just helpful. He was playing a role — The Responsible One.

Beneath this role was a rule: If I fail to keep things together, I’m not valuable.

And beneath that rule was a deeper belief about his worth. That day, Michael didn’t quit being responsible. He simply began questioning the underlying rule he had lived by for years and whether or not this was helpful to him in his life. Once he spent time reflecting on the impact of these beliefs, he began to let go of feeling responsible for everything and everyone. He felt the burden of being overly responsible ease and a new approach to life emerging.

Michael’s automatic thoughts would often have a theme of responsibility such as “I should take the lead on this project or it will turn out a mess” and get triggered in a variety of situations. Catching his thoughts, checking his beliefs to see if there were any distortions involved (in this case both should statements and catastrophizing distortions were at work), and then changing the belief to be more realistic (“It’s unlikely that the project will turn poorly if I don’t take the lead. This could actually be an opportunity for someone else to gain experience leading and I could serve as a consultant if they need my input.”). As Michael would continue using the Catch-Check-Change approach to his automatic thoughts it would have a positive effect on his life but he likely would find himself being drawn back into being overly responsible if he didn’t uncover and address the deeper beliefs.

The Rules & Assumptions We Live By

We all live by rules—most of them invisible. You won’t find them written on paper or spoken out loud, yet they shape how we think, feel, and act every day. They function like unspoken operating instructions for how to live and belong. These rules often sound like:

• “Don’t upset people.”
• “Be strong.”
• “Don’t need anyone.”
• “Stay invisible.”
• “Keep the peace.”
• “Don’t fail.”
• “Earn your worth.”

Everything that we do in life carries an invisible why. When we overcommit, fail to take time to rest, or chase after perfection, there’s usually a silent rule underneath it whispering, “You must keep earning your worth.” Or if you find yourself withdrawing from conflict or avoiding vulnerability in relationships, another rule may be saying, “You must never make a mistake” or “I must keep everyone happy.” These inner rules come from old experiences and they quietly dictate how we believe we should be.

Rules are connected to our underlying assumptions and therefore it is important to identify both the assumptions and the rules that flow from them. Assumptions can be noticed as they typically are phrased as “If…then…” statements. Here’s how this works:

Situation:

You’re upset with your spouse because they aren’t ready to leave on time for an event that you’ve planned on together.

Rule:

We should be on time for events or it makes us look bad.

Assumption:

“If we don’t arrive on time then it will be disruptive and disrespectful to others who have arrived on time.”

We can now see the distortions (should statement and mind reading [assuming that others will judge them as disruptive and disrespectful]) have their roots in an underlying assumption that the reason for running a bit late may be more upsetting to you than to a person who doesn’t share this assumption.

Where Our Rules and Assumptions Come From

Our rules were formed as children in moments when we were trying to make sense of life. Rules are the strategies we developed to survive the story we were living in. The problem is not that we formed rules, the problem is when we continue living by old rules into adulthood. They were often wise adaptations at the time — but they may not be wise guides for now. These indeed may fall under what the Apostle Paul was thinking when he wrote, “…now that I am an adult, I have no more use for childish ways” (1 Corinthians 13:11 noted earlier).

Rules and assumptions develop in the overall context of our lives as children. These contexts involve our repeated early experiences, attachment to caregivers, messages communicated to us, painful events, temperament and personality, and our need for predictability in life. Let’s take a closer look at each of these.

Repeated Early Experiences. As children, we are meaning-makers by nature. When something happens once to us, it’s an event. However, when it happens repeatedly, it has now become a pattern from which our mind draws an assumption and a corresponding rule. Our minds unconsciously create these rules that serve as life navigation strategies.

• Repeated criticism from others may lead to the assumption that mistakes are to be avoided at all costs and child develops the rule: “I must not make mistakes.”
• The emotional unpredictability of others may lead to the assumption that it is bad to show any emotion (for fear that they will get out of hand) and that belief leads to the rule: “I must stay in control and not show emotion.”
• Positive attention that is tied only to when the child achieves may lead them to assume that their personal value is based upon success with the rule being: “I must perform to be valued.”

Young children operate from a cause-and-effect mindset as they are trying to figure out how to navigate their world of experiences. For example, the childhood egocentrism mentioned earlier might look like this: “If I don’t make any mistakes, no one will criticize me” as if the child has control over others’ critical comments. Due to the fact that a child’s mind has limitations in reasoning (because of where the brain is at developmentally), children develop these inner assumptions and the rules that are associated with them.

Attachment to Caregivers. Attachment has to do with how caregivers respond to children’s expressions of need and tends to shape our assumptions about love, safety, worth, how we express emotions, and how much we can depend on others.

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth first identified the four attachments styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—that are formed through a child’s interactions with their parents and become internalized models (or ways of thinking) about the self: (“Am I worthy of love?”) and others (“Are others reliable and safe?”). These models tend to shape how we think, feel, and behave in later relationships, especially the close ones that we have.

Those who have developed a secure attachment were raised in homes where their parents and caregivers were generally responsive to the child, attuned to their needs, and emotionally available to them. This most commonly leads to the assumption that “I am worthy of love” and comfort with closeness and trust in relationships as well as an ability to express emotions and needs clearly. Individuals having an anxious attachment were reared in environments where the caregiving was inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, sometimes unavailable—that may lead to the assumption that “Others will leave me.” These fears of abandonment can lead to the person seeking reassurance in future relationships to the point of being perceived as “clingy.” Children raised in homes where parents and caregivers were emotionally distant, rejecting, or overly task-oriented often develop an avoidant attachment that fosters the assumption that “I must rely only on myself” and a future relational pattern of withdrawal during conflict as well as discomfort with closeness and vulnerability. Children who develop a disorganized attachment were likely raised in a chaotic home where parents and caregivers were frightening, abusive, or highly inconsistent. This usually creates the assumption that “I want closeness but fear it at the same time” and a push-pull dynamic develops in relationships where the person pushes others away followed by a desperate attempt at avoiding being abandoned.

Additionally, if emotions were dismissed by parents, the child may adopt the rule “Don’t express your feelings.” Or if the love we felt from others was conditional, they likely will develop the rule “I must earn approval.” Further, if the care the child received from others was inconsistent, the young mind might create the rule “Don’t rely on anyone for anything.” Such rules protect us against anticipated pain in other relationships but also keep us from freely engaging in healthy relationships.

Messages Communicated to Us. Families, churches, and the larger culture all communicate implicit and explicit rules to the developing child:

• “Don’t question authority” may be directly (explicitly) stated or may be communicated implicitly by an angry response to the child’s hesitance to blindly follow what an authority figure says.
• “Strong people don’t need others” usually is modeled (implicitly) to the child by parents and others who refuse to ask for help.
• “Good Christians don’t doubt” may be implicitly communicated by those who, for one reason or another, fail to verbalize the ups and downs of the Christian journey.

When such messages are absorbed unexamined, these external rules become internal ones that we work hard to live out in everyday life.

In regard to the messages Michael received, he was likely told explicitly by his parents that he was responsible to keep things under control at home which was reinforced implicitly by the unspoken expectation that he would continue to be the responsible one.

Painful Events. When something painful happens to us or those we care about, our brains ask: “How do I make sure this never happens again?” What began as a God-given survival instinct now elicits a rule of protection. For example, if we have experienced rejection from others, this may lead to the assumption that all future relationships will end the same way and our inner rule becomes “Never open up or get close to others” in order to avoid future interpersonal pain.

The painful event of being abused in childhood may lead to the assumption that everyone is to be distrusted in life and the rule “Everyone is untrustworthy—keep an eye out for early signs of danger.” Children who were raised in homes where arguments were loud and plentiful may develop the assumption that any and all conflict is bad and the rule “Avoid disagreements at all costs” develops as a natural consequence.

When the painful events are traumatic, these often produce extreme rules because the nervous system seeks safety at all costs and often triggers a flee, fight, or freeze mental, emotional, or relational response in people that can continue over a lifetime and may require professional counseling to identify and address so that the person may be freed from its effects.

Temperament and Personality. Temperament is our inborn emotional wiring that creates the personality style we are born with. Some children are naturally sensitive, others are bold, while others are steady and calm—all are different. Temperament is not something that we learn, it is our personal start setting so to speak. Personality is the even broader pattern of how we think, feel, and behave over time. It is a combination of our attributes, motives, values, and behaviors that are unique to us. It includes our temperament as well as our self-concept (our positive and negative perceptions of our attributes and traits), self-esteem (our positive to negative evaluation of our self-worth based upon all of our self-perceptions), and our identity (our overall sense of who we are, where we belong, and where we are heading in life). This is why two children in the same home may form different assumptions and rules. For example, a sensitive child may form the assumption that they are a burden to others and the corresponding rule “I’m too much for others” whereas a driven child may form the assumption that success is all that matters and the rule that gets formed is “I must always excel.”

Rules are not only about events—they’re about how we processed them. Why? Because temperament and personality shape our interpretations and influence how we experience life and these experiences shape the beliefs and rules that we form.

Our Need for Predictability. Our brains prefer certainty over uncertainty as we navigate life’s challenges. We naturally want things to be predictable so we create rules out of our assumptions so that we know what to say or not say, what to do or refrain from doing, and how to feel or not feel given the situations that we encounter. We do not like the feeling of disequilibrium, or feelings out of balance emotionally and will do whatever it takes to avoid it.

Rules create structure such as “If I do X, then Y will happen” and even distorted rules feel stabilizing because they reduce ambiguity and give the illusion of control. Daniel’s story helps in understanding how our need for predictability plays out in life if unchecked:

When Daniel was young, his home life was unpredictable. Some days his father was warm and engaged. Other days he was distant or irritable. Daniel never knew what to expect. His brain did what all brains do when life feels uncertain—it tried to create predictability. He formed an assumption: “If I stay quiet and don’t cause problems, things won’t get worse.” That assumption became a rule: “Don’t speak up.” The rule gave him a sense of control as it reduced uncertainty. Years later, in his relationships, Daniel still struggled to express disagreement. The rule that once created safety now limited his connection with others.

The Connection Between Rules and Roles

When we begin moving deeper from correcting an automatic thought to examining the assumptions and rules driving it, we begin asking questions such as:

• What rule am I living by?
• What assumption is driving this rule?
• Is there a role I am playing and need to identify?

Rules are internal in that they are our private statements about how life works. Michael’s rule was: “If I don’t hold everything together, everything falls apart.” Roles, however, are external. Roles are how we behave in response to our inner rules. Michael’s role was The Responsible One. Roles are simply the behaviors we adopt to obey the rule. In other words, they are the parts we learned to play to keep our family systems steady.

Although there are any number of roles that we take on, some of the more common roles that we play are The Responsible One, The Caretaker, The Problem Child, The Lost Child, The Mascot, and The Enabler. Let’s take a brief look at each of these. Like Michael, persons living out the role of The Responsible One have the belief that it is up to them to hold things together. They typically are very responsible and dependable people who are high achievers. Underneath their responsibility is a belief that their worth comes from their responsibility that is experienced as a drive to make sure things go smoothly and get accomplished in a timely manner. Often this role, like others, gets dismissed as “It’s just the way I am.” But lurking beneath the surface is a growing fatigue from over-extending themselves and a level of anxiety that may be experienced as impatience or irritability.

The Caretaker role is fueled by the belief that it is the person’s job to keep the peace. This begins in childhood and gets generalized into other relationships as the person gets older. This role necessitates that the person avoids upsetting anyone to the point that they become people-pleasers. They seek to smooth over any conflicts believing that if everyone else is okay then they will be okay and tend to be the emotional managers interpersonally. In adulthood they will be seen as very caring, empathetic, and supportive but find it difficult managing boundaries with others. The Problem Child role is reserved for the person who always seemed to be identified by others as the problem due to the fact that children tend to act out rather than talk out their feelings. Their actions and poor decisions stemmed from a deep belief that they were indeed bad and over time they continued living out their struggles with authority, shame, and self-sabotage. Even after such a person changes their ways, they may readily find that their automatic thoughts may be colored by the cognitive distortions of personalization and self-blame.

The Lost Child role develops out of the belief that it’s safer not to be noticed in life. Persons living out this role tend to also believe that their needs are unimportant and that they are a burden to others so they withdraw, avoid drawing attention to themselves, and become fairly self-sufficient. In adulthood these individuals tend to be rather independent and may struggle with intimacy and expressing themselves emotionally. The Mascot role is driven by the belief that they must diffuse any tension with humor and typically are the ones who can make everyone laugh. They may be fun and relationally engaging, but may also struggle when it comes to deeper emotions.

Persons who live out The Enabler role often find themselves shielding others from painful consequences in life. This role is often learned in homes where there may be substance abuse and addiction that affects the family’s functioning. The underlying belief is connected to protecting the family from collapsing in upon itself as it deals with the consequences created by the addictions. In adulthood, this role plays out in the person being conflict-avoidant and over-protective of those close to them for fear of what could happen to them otherwise.

It is important to remember that every role began as an adaption to help stabilize what was happening in the home. As children, we do not consciously choose roles. We simply, in our childhood way of thinking, try to figure out what our families need in the moment and step in to fulfill the need. Over time, however, the roles we developed feel more like our personality.

Rewriting the Rules and Resigning from the Roles

We learn early on in life what part in our family environment we need to play to stay connected. That part became a role and that role was guided by rules rooted in our assumptions and beliefs. Roles are not who we are, they are what we learned to do. And when we change the rule beneath the role, the role no longer has to control us. Renewal happens when we rewrite the rules and resign from the roles we have been playing. Applying the Catch-Check-Change model to this endeavor involves: Catching the rule, Checking whether it is true and helpful, and Changing it to something grounded in reality and grace.

Catch the Rule. Beyond catching our automatic thoughts is the activity of noticing the rule in action. This takes a bit more effort as we usually don’t catch a rule by hearing it clearly; we catch it in a predictable overreaction to life events (how we usually react), a repeated relational pattern (possibly the push-pull dynamic mentioned earlier), or familiar pressure experienced inside (feeling anxious when someone is upset with you and finding yourself immediately trying to fix it). In such a case it is helpful to pause and ask yourself “What rule am I living by right now?” Often it will surface as one of the following:

• “If someone is upset, I must fix it.”
• “If I disappoint someone, I may lose the relationship.”

Catching the Rule involves recognizing the internal rule driving our behaviors.

Check the Rule. Once we have caught the rule in action, we begin to evaluate the rule by asking ourselves questions such as:

• Where did I learn this?
• Is this always true?
• Is this rule still necessary?
• What happens when I follow it?
• What happens when I choose to break it?

Using the example noted above, if the rule is “If someone is upset, I must fix it,” we check out its validity by asking ourselves probing questions such as:

• Is it actually possible to fix every situation and keep everyone happy?
• Is someone else’s emotional state always my responsibility?
• Does this rule lead to health or exhaustion?

Checking often reveals that the rule once protected us—but now restricts us.

Change the Rule. It is at this point that we seek to replace the rule and resign from the role we’ve been playing. We now develop a more flexible, accurate rule that is different than the old rule we’ve carried so long:

Old Rule: “I must fix everyone’s emotions.”

New Rule: “I can care about others without being responsible for their feelings.”

As the rule shifts, the role begins to shift as well.

Old Role: The Fixer. The Peacemaker. The Over-Responsible One.

New Role: A supportive but bounded presence with others.

The role changes not by force but rather because the rule underneath it has changed. Let’s see how Emma used this approach in changing the rule and connected role she had filled for most of her life:

Old Pattern: Emma realized that she always volunteers for extra work in whatever setting—work, church, home—and although it was familiar, it was also exhausting.

Catch— In asking herself “What rule am I following?” she discovered “If I don’t step up and take up the slack, I’m not valuable.”

Check: She then asked herself, “Is my worth actually tied to over-extending myself by ‘taking up the slack’ when others don’t?” and “Do others value me only when I carry more of the load? What would happen if I said no?”

Change: After reflecting on her thoughts for a while, she concluded, “My value is not measured by how much I carry. I can contribute without overextending myself.”

Over time, Emma learned to say “No” to the requests of others and set healthier limits on what she was willing to do at work, church, and home. Her “Responsible” role softened and she came to be one step closer to resigning from this well-worn role. She became more collaborative instead of being overly responsible.

Totally resigning from a role that has been lived out over a lifetime is not done overnight. It takes place as we catch ourselves in the act of living by the old rules and the roles we have adopted in the process and making the necessary changes to these rules and the roles they support. It may be helpful to write out a resignation letter to the role we have been living and place it somewhere we will see daily. It could be as simple as writing:

Today, with God’s help, I choose to resign from the role of being The Problem Child by daily working to identify the ways in which I take responsibility for things that go wrong, even though I have nothing to do with it. I refuse to take the blame that does not belong to me. I choose to see myself as God’s beloved child who is on the journey to a renewed mind in other areas as well.

In this chapter we looked at the assumptions and rules we developed in childhood and the roles which emerged from them. As noted at the beginning of the chapter, these beliefs arise out of the depths of our hearts where our core beliefs exist and determine much of how we think, feel, and behave in life. This is the focus of the next chapter as we delve into the deepest part of our hearts and minds—our core beliefs—and the stories we tell ourselves that flow from them. This is the deepest level of renewing our minds and where real change is often needed.

 

Renewal Reflection Questions

1. What rules have I been living by that I may have never consciously chosen?
   Where did these rules come from, and are they aligned with God’s truth or shaped by past experiences and expectations?
2. What assumptions do I tend to make about myself, others, or relationships?
   How might these assumptions be influencing my reactions, emotions, and patterns of behavior?
3. What roles have I learned to play in my life?
   In what ways might these roles have once served a purpose but are now limiting how I live and relate to others?
4. How do my rules and roles affect my relationship with God and others?
   Do they lead me toward freedom and grace, or toward pressure, fear, and performance?
5. What would it look like to release these rules and roles and live from my identity in Christ?
   How might God be inviting me to think differently and respond with greater freedom and truth?

 

Renewal Prayer

Lord,
You see the rules I have been living by and the roles I have learned to play.
Give me the courage to examine them honestly and the wisdom to see where they no longer reflect Your truth.

Help me to release what has been shaped by fear, pressure, or past experience,
and to embrace the identity You have given me in Christ.
Teach me to live not from performance, but from grace,
and to respond to others with the same compassion You have shown me.

Renew my mind, reshape my assumptions,
and lead me into the freedom You have always intended for me.

Amen.

 

6

The Stories We Live By: Beliefs that Shape Our Lives

 

“Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith”

Hebrews 12:2 NKJV

 

“Every moment hands us a blank page, and before we realize it, our mind has already written a story about what it means.”

Anonymous

 

Simon had always believed he was insignificant. No matter what he achieved, a quiet voice in his mind whispered, You’re not enough. When he graduated top of his class, he convinced himself it was luck. When his friends praised him, he assumed they were just being polite. At work, Simon hesitated to speak up in meetings, afraid his ideas weren’t worth sharing. He watched others—some less experienced—rise through the ranks while he stayed stagnant, paralyzed by the belief that he didn’t deserve more.

One evening, a long-time friend invited him to meet for coffee. Simon shared with his friend some of his struggles of not feeling like he was enough. After listening a while, his friend said, “You remind me of a man I once knew. He was brilliant, hardworking, but trapped by his own story. He thought he was small, so the world treated him that way.”

Simon thought for a moment then said, “But what if it’s just who I am?” His friend smiled and asked, “Then why do others see so much more in you?” The question lingered long after their conversation ended. For the first time, Simon considered the possibility that the voice in his head had been wrong. Maybe, just maybe, he was more than the story he had been telling himself.

In Scripture, our hearts and minds are viewed as distinct from each other but deeply interconnected aspects of our inner lives. The Bible shows us that the heart and mind work together in shaping our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions. The heart is at the very center of our inner being and our minds are how we think and interpret life events. In short, what we fill our hearts with shapes how our minds think and, in return, what we dwell upon in our minds shapes the condition of our hearts.

Simon carried with him a core belief that he simply was not enough and his feelings and behaviors followed from holding onto this belief. This belief that resided in the depths of his heart created within him a way of looking at himself and his place in the world. When his friend suggested a different way of seeing himself, it opened the door for him to consider how true his belief was in light of the feedback that he had received. The fact that he had not considered any other way of looking at himself was not due to a deficit of self-reflection but rather as a result of living out his core belief for so long that it simply felt an irrefutable truth.

In this chapter we will begin by gaining an understanding of what core beliefs are and how we can utilize the Catch-Check-Change method to challenge erroneous beliefs with truth and grace. We’ll then gain an understanding of what our personal narratives are and how these stories naturally flow from our core beliefs and are also in need of challenge and change by applying the Catch-Check-Change method to them as well.

What are Core Beliefs?

A core belief is a deeply held assumption about who we are how the world works, and what we can expect from others. Core beliefs reside at the deepest level of our hearts and minds and work to shape how we tell the story of our daily lives. They generally operate outside of our awareness until we do the work of catching them, naming them, and challenging the validity of any falsehoods that they contain. Core beliefs range from positive to negative and our hearts contain a number of them. People who have predominately positive core beliefs about themselves, others, and life itself tend to enjoy better mental, relational, and spiritual health. This is the major reason that our journey toward a renewed mind includes identifying and changing any core beliefs that are incorrect and incongruent with truth and grace.

Core beliefs about ourselves are always framed as an “I” statement such as “I am capable” or “I am a child of God.” Beliefs such as these help us in dealing with the challenges of everyday life. When faced with taking on a new responsibility at work, the core belief of “I am capable” increases our confidence that despite the task being new, we will figure out a way of successfully taking it on.  In moments of doubt in our lives, when we don’t feel like much of a Christian, the core belief of “I am a child of God” helps us stay balanced in who we see ourselves to be despite how we might feel.

Core beliefs can also work against us. For example, a core belief of “I am unlovable” is in need of renewal as it, too, will influence how we approach life. In this case, the relationships that we have with others will be negatively affected. Instead of the rather normal thought of “I wonder if they will like me?” when meeting someone we are interested in, we likely will have thoughts like, “They probably won’t like me” which may prevent us from even attempting to meet them. In this way, our core beliefs are at work all the time and negative core beliefs can undermine our actions.

Core beliefs also have a cast of supportive beliefs that bubble to the surface in statements such as “Nobody loves me.” This supportive belief is created and maintained by isolated events that have left us feeling unloved and serve as reinforcement to the negative core belief. These isolated events could include real instances of rejection by others, breakups, unkind statements from others, or our perception of how others feel about us. Indeed, most of us have experienced some form of rejection in life that causes pain, but the person with a core belief of being unlovable likely has had more than their share.

Speaking of relationships, we also have core beliefs about people in general. These core beliefs are typically stated as “People are…” followed by generalized descriptors such as “basically good,” “doing the best that they can,” or “beloved children of God” to name a few of the ones that people with more positive core beliefs about others may hold. As one might imagine, believing that others are “doing the best that they can” will pave the way toward offering more grace to others who make mistakes.

Believing that people are “untrustworthy,” “hurtful,” or “stupid” form negative core beliefs about others that also affects how we react to them. The belief that “people are stupid” creates negative feelings within us and a tendency toward believing the worst in others. Impatience at others’ mistakes and less than grace-filled responses are natural consequences as a result.

When it comes to the larger picture, we have core beliefs about the world in general that begin with “The world is…” or “Life is…” followed by terms that express our inner beliefs. On the positive side, descriptors such as “good,” “beautiful,” or “blessed by God” create within us both an appreciation of life in general and a gratefulness for the life that we live. Such beliefs lead us to live in ways that make the world an even better place.

If our descriptions of the world we live in and how life operates include “dangerous,” “unfair,” or “hurtful,” we likely will find ourselves disengaging from life and having a general dissatisfaction for this life. Negative core beliefs here can lead us to having a darkened outlook referred to as pessimism where we have developed the habit of anticipating the worst and interpreting life through a rather dark lens.

Other examples of negative core beliefs needing renewal include:

• I don’t deserve good things.
• I will never measure up.
• People will always leave me.
• I have to please others to be accepted.
• I don’t fit in anywhere.
• I am a burden to others.
• Something bad will always happen.
• I am weak.
• I am broken beyond repair.
• My value depends on what I do, not who I am.

Deep Roots

It’s early spring here in Ohio as I write these words and my yard is getting greener by the day. Some of what is turning green is unwanted—weeds—and so I have already applied pre-emergent weed killer in the hopes that my yard will remain relatively free of such vegetation. I live in the country so the likelihood of a weed-free lawn is not great but I still work at this being the goal. But even with all of my efforts, there will be weeds cropping up here and there that need to be pulled. Catching them early and while the ground is still moist makes extracting them easier to do. Why? Because their roots have not had opportunity to grow deep. If, however, I do not get at them early and they do send down deep roots, there will be more effort needed to pull them out.

Core beliefs operate similarly to the weeds in my yard. Caught early in life, they are much more easily formed into thought patterns that are in alignment with truth and grace. Left untended in the fertile soil of our minds, they develop into much more than passing thoughts. They become deeply rooted as they have been formed early in life and reinforced over time. As noted earlier, these beliefs can be positive or negative so the person with more positive beliefs has deep roots that benefit them in life, often without recognizing where they came from. The person with negative core beliefs may struggle more in life without understanding the root of their struggles.

As noted earlier, painful experiences can happen to all of us but when they seem to happen often, they begin to sink their roots deeper and deeper into our hearts making it more difficult, but not impossible, to root them out. These beliefs will also contain strong emotional triggers that get tripped in various situations and are out of proportion to what is currently happening. For example, the person with the core belief of “Nobody loves me” will have a much stronger emotional reaction to not being invited to a party than other people might experience and will see this as further evidence of their belief.

The Big Shift

As much as I’d like to believe that core beliefs can be changed as quickly as automatic thoughts, in reality it takes time and tenacity to renew our minds at this deepest level of beliefs. Core beliefs are not changed instantaneously by force of will but rather are renewed by truth and transformation over time sinking into the depths of our hearts and minds. Change happens when what we believe at the deepest level becomes aligned with what is reality-based and grace-filled. How we accomplish this is by utilizing the same Catch–Check–Change method used on the other levels of thought but now applied to our core beliefs.

Catch: Notice Your Initial Reaction. Core beliefs usually do not appear, or become visible, directly. Instead, they show up in life through our automatic thoughts, strong emotional reactions, repeated relational patterns, and/or self-critical inner talk. Our first step, then, is to catch the automatic thought or emotional reaction that appears in the moment.

At this point, the goal is simply to notice what went through your mind and how you reacted emotionally and behaviorally. Here is a practice example:

Situation: A friend gives you brief feedback on a home project you completed that includes suggestions for how it could be done better.

Automatic thought caught: “They probably think I did a terrible job.”

Emotional response: Anxiety and self-doubt

Behavioral response: Overthinking things and obsessing over the feedback that they gave as well as avoiding the friend for a few days.

The automatic thought is the visible tip of the iceberg that drew out the emotional and behavioral responses.

Check: Identify and Evaluate the Deeper Belief. The next step is to check the thought by tracing it back to the belief underneath it. Helpful questions to accomplish this would include:

• What does this automatic thought seem to say about me?
• If this thought were true, what would it mean about me as a person?
• What belief might be underneath my reactions?

In the example used it would look like this:

Automatic thought: “They probably think I did a terrible job.”

Deeper belief revealed: “I am incompetent”

As noted earlier, this belief may have developed in childhood through repeated experiences such as criticism or unrealistically high expectations. Now the belief itself can be examined by using the following questions:

• What evidence supports this belief that I am incompetent?
• What evidence contradicts it?
• Where might this belief have originated?
• Is this belief aligned with what Scripture says about me?

Often people realize at this point that the belief is a well-worn and outdated belief anchored in an earlier point in life. This realization paves the way to the next step.

Change: Replace the Belief with a Healthier Truth. The final step is to replace the distorted core belief with a more balanced and accurate one. This does not mean simply thinking more positively or equating discovery of the root belief, in itself, as having reached the goal. Similar to the wisdom found in James 1:23-24, if we simply look at our core belief in the “mirror” and walk away without doing something to change it, we will allow the unchecked core belief to settle back into the depths of our hearts only to continue to negatively affect our lives. This final step requires that we develop a replacement belief that is realistic, gracious, and constructive.

Old core belief: “I am incompetent.”

Balanced replacement belief: “I am capable and, like everyone else, still learning how to do things better.”

As this new belief develops, the automatic thoughts also begin to change.

New automatic thought: “Feedback from others, although I may be sensitive to hearing it sometimes, helps me improve.”

New emotional response: Decreased anxiety, increased comfort with constructive feedback from others, and increased confidence.

New behavior: Getting together with your friend like usual. Learning from their feedback and even asking questions in areas that they have more knowledge and experience.

The result of making positive changes in our core beliefs is a noticeable shift in how we are able to more readily catch, check, and change automatic thoughts and the unrealistic rules and assumptions we had previously lived by. We find it easier to resign from the outdated roles that we have played and experience a softening in how we think about ourselves, others, and the circumstances we face daily. These changes positively impact how we feel, think, and behave as well as how we narrate our lives each day.

The Stories We Live By

Every day we are developing and telling stories often without uttering a word out loud. “Stories are the way we understand and make sense of the world we find ourselves in” says Clare Patey (The Power of Storytelling). This process of making meaning of one’s world through defining and interpreting has been termed our personal narrative. This type of story-telling is a continuous internal process of interpreting and ordering our world as we experience it. These stories are not merely a recollection of facts but rather a personal account of connected events and include both our interpretation of life events and what it means as far as our thoughts, feelings, choices, and behavioral reactions.

To help clarify what a personal narrative is and how it looks in everyday life, imagine that you were to receive a text message from your spouse that simply read “We need to talk.” How would you interpret that? A simple reading of their words would be that your spouse values talking to the point of it becoming a need—“We need to talk.” Who would argue with the idea that couples need to talk? If you were to believe this to be the message of your spouse, you might respond, “I agree. Talking is important.” Your gut feeling makes this interpretation unlikely so your mind tries to decipher what the text means. This is exactly where our personal narrative enters in where we seek to understand the text message in the context of previous messages and interactions, how we feel about them, and what we are already telling ourselves about what it all means and what the outcomes likely will be. In light of all the inner thoughts and feelings that we have, we act. If you have a sense that there is something wrong, your interpretation of the words “We need to talk” will naturally lead to an automatic thought (“Something’s up, I wonder what they’re upset about?”), feelings (anxiety), choices (to text back, wait, or call), and behavioral reactions (giving a call to see what the text is in reference to and when a good time to talk further would be). It is no wonder that communication can be so difficult at times!

Reflecting back on the different levels of thinking, the personal narrative integrates all three levels into a coherent story: Automatic thoughts are the moment-by-moment interpretations that emanate from deeper themes. Rules and assumptions shape how the story is lived out in everyday life and Core beliefs provide the underlying themes of the story. Together they create the storyline through which a person interprets life experiences and talk to themselves and others about them. In essence, the personal narrative is the storyline that weaves together our core beliefs, the rules we live by, and the automatic thoughts that arise in everyday life. It is the larger story that gives meaning to our experiences and shapes how we see ourselves and others.

Returning to an earlier topic—attention—we need to ask ourselves “What am I paying attention to of all the events of my life that play out in my in my personal story?” In his book Retelling the Stories of Our Lives, Dr. David Denborough writes, “Who we are and what we do are influenced by the stories that we tell about ourselves” and went on to point out that depending on what points of a person’s story that are focused on, a storyline of their life will emerge. If we pay attention to primarily our mistakes, hardships, and personal disappointments, we will most likely create a personal narrative that leads us toward reinforcing events and interpretations, much like a magnet attracts shards of metal. Finding healing in the depths of our thinking and core beliefs can help us to broaden our view to include the overlooked positive events and attributes of our lives. One of the ways that depression impacts a person’s thinking is that it draws their attention to what is wrong with them, life, and others which then maintains a depressive mindset that resists seeing what is right with them, life, and others. Is this intentional on the part of the person suffering from depression? Absolutely not. Depression, like a negative magnet, draws their attention to the negatives in life which further darken the emotional world of the person who is already suffering.

Denborough continues, “Whatever storyline we have about our lives makes a difference in who we are and how we act.” I’ve used a simple exercise with clients that draws upon literature in seeking to discover their personal narratives. I ask, “If your life was a book, what would the title be?” Once they respond, I further ask, “All books have a Table of Contents. Mentally opening the cover of your life’s book, what are the chapter titles?” I will suggest using different age periods of the person’s life (e.g., preschool, early childhood, school age, and into adulthood) as mile markers for them to consider. This exercise can provide insight into the person’s way of looking at and narrating their life. A follow-up exercise is to ask, “If there were to be a sequel to your book, what would the title be?” This helps the person to see that their life story is far from being over and that God may have something to add in the storying of their life.

Whispers of a Better Story

“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story” writes author Patrick Rothfuss in The Name of the Wind. Often it isn’t the event that wounds us the most, but the story our mind quietly writes about what the moment means. It’s been said that we don’t live with the facts of our lives, but with the stories we tell ourselves, consciously and unconsciously, about these facts.

Our personal narratives are not written in relational vacuums but rather within our full range of relationships and within the social contexts in which we live.  In other words, our personal narrative comes into contact with the personal narratives of others which creates, in the best-case scenario, a personal narrative that is richer in grace toward oneself and others. Similar to outcome achieved in Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend,” we need others who are on this journey to a renewed mind to assist us in editing our personal narratives and they in turn need us for theirs. The journey to a renewed mind is best accomplished when we include others in our entourage.

Scripture speaks of the body of Christ as being comprised of each of us, “All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it” (1 Corinthians 12:27), and that we need each other for nourishment and growth. Imagine that—not only that God uses others to help us, but that He also needs you and me to assist others on their journeys!

Changing the Story

The Catch–Check–Change model that has been presented in earlier chapters provides us with a practical way to interrupt unhealthy life stories and reshape them into more truthful and life-giving personal narratives. Here’s how:

Catch – Notice the Story You Are Telling Yourself. The first step is to catch the personal narrative that is running in your mind. Many people are not aware that they are constantly telling themselves a story about what events mean. These stories often appear in statements like:

• “This always happens to me.”
• “People eventually leave.”
• “Nothing ever works out for me.”

These statements reveal a narrative identity, a story about the kind of life one believes they are living. At this stage the goal is simply to notice the storyline forming in your mind.

Situation: A job interview does not lead to an offer.

The emerging narrative might be: “This is just another example of how I never succeed.”

That statement reflects a story about the person’s life, not just the event.

Check – Examine the Accuracy of the Story. Once the narrative is caught, the next step is to check the story for truth and distortion. Questions that help evaluate the narrative include:

• Is this story fully accurate, or is it exaggerated?
• What evidence supports this storyline?
• What evidence contradicts it?
• Am I ignoring parts of my life that do not fit this story?
• Is this narrative helping me live well, or is it limiting me?

Many negative narratives rely on cognitive distortions, such as:

• Overgeneralization (“This always happens.”)
• Labeling (“I’m a failure.”)
• Mind reading (“They think I’m incompetent.”)

Returning to the example above:

Narrative being checked: “I never succeed.”

Evidence that challenges the story:

• The person completed a degree.
• They have succeeded in previous jobs.
• Several interviews went well.

The narrative begins to appear incomplete and distorted.

Change – Rewrite the Narrative. The final step is to change the narrative by forming a more balanced and truthful story. Changing a narrative does not mean ignoring difficulty or pretending everything is positive. Instead, it involves writing a fuller and more accurate interpretation of life experiences.

Old narrative: “I’m someone who never succeeds.”

Revised narrative: “I’m someone who is still learning and developing, and setbacks are part of the process.”

This new narrative allows space for personal growth, the building of resilience, and an openness to future possibilities. As the narrative changes, the person’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors begin to change as well.

Renewing the mind changes the stories we tell about ourselves and also about our interactions with others, and when these stories change, our relationships often change too. In the next chapter, we’ll explore how a renewed mind helps us relate better to those around us.

Renewal Reflection Questions

1. What core beliefs about myself might be shaping the story I tell about my life?
   Are these beliefs consistent with how God sees me, or have they been shaped more by past experiences, criticism, or disappointment?
2. What personal narrative have I been living by?
   If my life were described as a story, what message does it communicate—striving for approval, fear of failure, perseverance through hardship, or growing trust in God?
3. Where might this narrative have begun, and how have my past experiences influenced the beliefs I carry today?
   Are there moments in my past that shaped how I now view myself, others, or God?
4. How might Scripture reshape the beliefs at the center of my story?
   Are there biblical truths about God’s grace, identity, forgiveness, and purpose that challenge the assumptions I have been living by?
5. What might it look like for my personal narrative to be rooted more fully in God’s redemptive story rather than my past interpretations of events?
   How could trusting God’s truth begin to reshape the way I understand my life and relationships?

Renewal Prayer

Lord,

You know the story of my life and the beliefs that shape how I see myself and others.
Search my heart and reveal any thoughts or personal narratives that are not grounded in Your truth.

Renew my mind so that I may see myself through the lens of Your grace and purpose.
Help me release beliefs that are shaped by fear or past wounds, and replace them with the truth of Your Word.

Guide me as I learn to live my life as part of Your larger story of redemption and hope.

Amen.