Sample Chapters

Chapter 2
Surrender and Attachment

Before we can continue looking at the characteristics of trust and how they apply to learning to trust God more deeply, we have to first look at the idea of surrender. When most people think of the word surrender think of giving up. But surrender is giving into something else. Surrender is not about giving up. It is accepting what already is and looking toward what can be. It is about giving into a process of transformation.

At the end of World War II, Japan’s Foreign Affairs minister Mamoru Shigemitsu surrendered to the American General Richard K. Sutherland on September 2, 1945, aboard the USS Missouri. While Japan certainly was giving up the fight and the determination to try to take over the world with the Axis powers, they also gave into a process of transformation. As part of the surrender agreement, the US and Allied powers occupied and rehabilitated Japan. This means they helped rebuild Japan after the devastating and catastrophic losses of the atomic bombs and the war in general.

This is the picture of surrender to God. We give up our own ways; we give up our own determination of what we want to do and how we want to do it. We give up living according to the flesh and we give into a process of occupation and rehabilitation. We invite God into our hearts and into our souls so that we can die to self and rise again as Christ rose. We surrender with a transforming mindset. This is what Paul, in Colossians 3, says about dying to self, giving up the old self and transforming into a new self.

“Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God…Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him” (Col. 3:1-3, 9-10).

Chip Dodd, in his book “Voices of the Heart: A Call to Full Living,” made the point that humility is a healthy shame. He defined shame as the “emotional and spiritual recognition of the potential to fail, to do harm, to succeed, and to love” (p. 111, 126). In that recognition then, we realize also that we need help. We can’t do it all on our own. We need each other. And furthermore, in that recognition, we surrender to the fact that we need other people, we need God, and we can’t do it all alone.

Likewise, when we give up and give in, we put aside control. Chip Dodd described control as “trusting what we can see with our eyes, produce with our hands, or cause to happen through our planning and manipulation” (p. 102). This is completely the opposite of faith as defined in Hebrews 11:1. Control is motivated by fear. Fear that we can’t handle something. Fear that God won’t do what we want. Fear that God won’t hear us when He hears everyone else. Fear that our own failings will reveal the “secret” that we aren’t perfect. Fear of rejection, humiliation, vulnerability, responsibility, and even love sometimes. That which you don’t trust, you try to control. But Matthew 6:27-34 talks about how our worry will not get us anywhere that is positive. It’ll get us plenty of negative places, but it won’t do anything good for us. It goes on to say that if God will take care of the lilies of the field and the birds of the sky, how much more so will he take care of us.

“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, while He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ Or ‘What will we drink?’ Or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt 6:27-34).

Surrender Requires Truth

Surrender requires truth. Truth is both simple and more complicated than you would think. It’s simple from the standpoint that all truth is God’s truth. Whatever you look at in this world if there’s truth in it, then God is in it too. That’s pretty simple. For example, in the counseling field, there is much talk about counseling theories and psychological theories. Some people say that Christians don’t need counseling because counseling is not of God, that psychology is purely secular. However, when I study the Bible, I see so many of the counseling theories at work. For example, when Paul says to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5) that is cognitive behavioral therapy at work. Likewise, when Paul says, “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Phil. 4:8), that too is cognitive behavioral therapy. Person Centered therapy’s therapeutic triad of empathy, genuineness (or authenticity), and unconditional positive regard is on biblical display whenever Jesus loves people, not for what they do, but for the children of God they are. It is the embodiment of Christian agape love. His unconditional love for God’s people always shone through. That is not to say that 100% of these theories are biblical. They aren’t. The point is that when we see theories, or tenets of the theories, easily on display in the Bible, that means God’s truth is in it. Christianity and psychology are not mutually exclusive.

It used to be in court, when you testified you placed your hand on the Bible, and you swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That is three distinct things. First, “the truth” means that I will not tell a lie. The “whole truth” means I will not leave anything out. A partial truth is also a lie. Choosing to not tell a part of the truth is choosing to lie. The adulterer who says “I didn’t lie” because he or she was never asked directly if they were cheating, is lying. This is called the lie of omission. Lastly, “nothing but the truth” means that you will not embellish the truth with lies. The point is to have you testify telling simply the truth without leaving anything out and without adding anything to it. There is an old saying: “A good lie always contains an element of truth.” It is easy to disguise a lie with truth.

Confessing the truth to God is the same way. Ps. 32:5 says, “I acknowledge my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’” We must remember that “confess” comes from the Greek word “homologeo” that translates “to agree with.” So, confession to God means that what we say agrees with what God knows. It doesn’t mean that God agrees with what we are confessing. It means that what we confess, fully agrees, is congruent, with what God already knows about us. When we confess, we have told Him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Psalm 51:6 states, “Behold, you desire truth in the inner most being and in the hidden part, you will make me know wisdom.” I use this verse often in my counseling work. It states that unless we tell the truth of what is going on deep down inside of us, we cannot know or have wisdom. When we don’t allow truth down into our deepest parts, those parts that are full of toxic shame, those parts that are full of hurt, then we are doing what was warned against in 1 Thessalonians 5:19, “Do not quench the Spirit.” We quench the Holy Spirit by not having truth, God’s truth, in our deepest parts. We also quench the Holy Spirit if we fail to fully confess to God. It is at that point that we inhibit the Holy Spirit from working fully in our lives.

Surrender – Participation is Part of the Process

Surrendering to the truth requires confession. It requires admitting that we have fallen prey to Satan’s lies. It requires that we tell the deepest darkest within us to God because He is the only one that can truly heal it and do something with it. He is the only one that can truly transform it, but we have to do our part. We have to be part of the process. I am reminded of John chapter 2 and the wedding in Cana of Galilee. Jesus and his mother, Mary, are in attendance. They have a crisis at the wedding in which they have run out of wine. Back then it was customary for the host of the wedding to serve the best wine first because they knew that once people got wine in them, they wouldn’t appreciate the fine stuff later. I suppose they could also save a little money by providing “the cheap stuff” later on when people are less likely to know the difference. On this day in Cana, they ran out of wine, and they were panicked, and Mary came to Jesus and asked him to make wine. At first, he resisted saying, “Woman, what does that have to do with us? My hour has not yet come” (v. 4). But then he relented for whatever reason. Well, of course, we know the reason: because He knew God’s timing. So, Jesus said to them, “fill the water pots with water” (v.7). They had empty jars for the wine because they were out of wine, but Jesus first asked somebody to do something, to be part of the process. He asked them to put water in the empty pots. He then transformed that water into wine, not just regular wine, but the absolute best wine. Why would Jesus do anything less than the absolute best? Certainly, Jesus could have just filled those empty pots with the absolute best wine with this miracle. But that’s not how He chose to do it. He chose instead to have people be part of the process and to transform water into wine for His miracle.

John 9:1-34 is a story of Jesus healing a blind man. This story is about both physical and spiritual healing. Jesus and his disciples are walking by, and Jesus notices a beggar man who had been blind since birth. It’s important to mention this detail of the story. He has never had sight; he has been blind since birth. It is not clear if he literally had no eyeballs or if there was something wrong with the functioning of his eyes but either way, he never had sight. He never saw the light of day. Additionally, back then, begging was basically a “profession” for the physically disabled. He had no other source of financial support. His disciples asked him who was to blame for the man’s blindness: him or his parents. Jesus said it has nothing to do with blame or sin. Rather his blindness can be used to show “the works of God” in him (v. 3). Then He says, “while I am in the world, I am the Light of the World” (v. 5). So here is Jesus, talking to his disciples and within earshot of a blind man saying He is the Light of the World. Can a blind man even comprehend light? It is something he has never seen or experienced. At this point, Jesus knelt down and spit in some dirt and made a paste-like mud and put it on the man’s eyes. It is unclear if Jesus put the mud on his closed eyelids or, as some scholars think, he put the mud in the man’s possibly empty eye sockets. Jesus then instructed him to go to the pool of Siloam. This is a pool that was used for ritual cleansing and purification and the name, Siloam, is literally translated, “Sent.” So, the One who was sent, Jesus, sends a blind man to this pool name “Sent” to be healed. The man washes the mud from his eyes, and he receives the miracle of sight.

Why didn’t Jesus just heal him, as I have no doubt he could have, while he was just standing there begging? He asked the beggar to be a part of the process. It’s possible that this was also very uncomfortable for the beggar because if the mud really was put IN his eye sockets, that would be quite uncomfortable.

The beggar made the choice to do as he was instructed and, as a result, he was transformed both physically and spiritually. He saw the light IN the world (sun) and he saw the Light OF the world (Son) for the very first time! Much controversy ensued at this point because Jesus had the gall to do a miracle on the Sabbath. The Pharisees considered doing a miracle on the Sabbath as work and thereby violating the sacredness of the Sabbath. Additionally, making mud was considered “work” on the Sabbath and therefore was prohibited. (As a side note, Kristi McLelland in her tour, “Sabbath,” said that the Sabbath is the celebration of restoration. God restored order to a chaotic world in the creation story and then celebrated the restoration. Jesus, by healing someone’s health on the Sabbath was celebrating the restoration by restoring health.) They questioned the now-sighted man as to who it was that healed him, and he told them very plainly that it was Jesus. They decided it couldn’t be someone of God because he violated the Sabbath by doing work. So, they questioned the man’s parents who dodged the question because they were afraid of the Jews kicking them out of the synagogue. So back to the healed man they went. He basically told them “You aren’t listening so why would I bother answering you again?” He was pretty sarcastic with them and said, “Well, here is an amazing thing, that you do not know where He is from, and yet He opened my eyes” (v.30). I love that! He is bold! He is confident! The formerly blind beggar, the dirge of society, is now bold and confident!

He continues and teaches them saying, “Since the beginning of time it has never been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a person born blind” (v. 32). He is teaching them because he is remembering the prophecies that most people then knew. The prophet, Isaiah, predicted that the Messiah would give sight to the blind! These predictions were important because they were signs that the Jews looked for in anyone who might claim to be a Messiah. Of course, Jesus knew the prophecies too. He fulfilled every single one of the Old Testament prophecies of the Messiah (over 300!).

On that day the deaf will hear words of a book, And out of their gloom and darkness themes of the blind will see (Isaiah 29:18).

Then the eyes of the blind will be opened and the ears of the deaf will be unstopped (Isaiah 35:5).

To open blind eyes, to bring out prisoners from the dungeon and those who dwell in darkness from the prison (Isaiah 42:7).

So, the now-sighted man ends the discussion with the proverbial mic drop: “If this man were not from God, He could do nothing” (v.33). With this, he gets kicked out of the synagogue which I am sure is no surprise to him. He knew the cost of answering truthfully, just as his parents did. But when you are changed physically, emotionally, and spiritually, the truth must prevail.

Jesus could have surely healed this man with just a word. In fact, I’m sure He doesn’t even need to say a word. But He doesn’t work that way. Even in the healing of the bleeding woman, she participated by touching Jesus’s garment in faith. He wants our participation, our surrender, our choice in the process of transformation. It is never against our free will. Transformation is not forced on you. Faith is never thrust upon you. Obedience is never involuntary. That would violate the free will that God gave us in creation. His design is for humans to have a choice. His design is for humans to have free will, whether it be to eat of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden or to speed driving down the highway. Without this ability to freely choose, our surrender, and love of God would mean nothing. Transformation is not necessary if we don’t have free will. Through giving us free will, God invites us into the process of becoming more like Him. We have to choose to do it. We have to want to participate and join with Him. In doing so, as image-bearers of God, we more accurately reflect Him.

Jesus asked for obedience and faith in the blind man. I imagine putting mud made with spit, even Jesus’s spit, on your eyes is not a pleasant experience. Again, it isn’t clear if he had malformed or non-functioning eyes or if he truly had no eyeballs at all. Can you imagine mud being put in the eye sockets? Growth is usually a painful experience. Transformation can be a painful process. But sometimes we have to go through the mud in this broken world to see more clearly.

Another example is the sick man who was healed by Jesus at the pool of Bethesda in John 5:1-17. In this passage, Jesus came upon a man who had been sick for 38 years. He asked the man a question that, on the surface, seems like a dumb question: “Do you wish to get well” (v. 6)? Well of course he wants to get well! But don’t forget that the disabled and ill were beggars by profession at that time. There were no Social Security Disability checks at that time. The only way they could sustain themselves was by the generosity of the people. Getting healed meant his whole life would change, not just his body. I think Jesus was asking his permission as well. Again, transformation is never forced. We must surrender to the process.

Surrender is never an easy process. We have to fight ourselves. We have to fight Satan, who doesn’t want us to surrender to God. We have to give up control which ultimately makes us the god of our own lives. That’s “god” with a “little g.” If it was hard for Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane as He begged God three times to not make Him endure what He was about to go through on the cross, and He was fighting so hard that “His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down upon the ground” (Luke 22:44), do you think it’s going to be easy for you? It was hard for Jonah to surrender to God’s command to go to Nineveh and preach to the people. He did not want to preach to them. He didn’t like the people of Nineveh. In transit to Ninevah, he was on a ship in a terrible storm. His shipmates somehow realized that Jonah was the source of the storm, so they tossed him overboard and then was swallowed by a whale and spent three days in the belly of a whale (Jonah 1). It was hard for Lot’s wife, leaving Sodom and Gomorrah when she violated God’s command and turned around and looked at the destruction and turned into a pillar of salt (Gen. 19:26). Surrender was difficult for Paul who talked about it being far better for him to die and be with Christ than to be here on earth (Phil. 1:21). Surrender was hard for Peter who said, “No way am I going to deny you, Christ!” And then before he knew it, he denied Christ three times because of fear (Mark 14:30-31). Surrender was difficult for Sara, who had received the promise from God that she would bear a child in her old age, but she got tired of waiting. So, she took matters into her own hands and had Abraham father a child with Hagar (Gen. 16:1-2). Surrender is a difficult road. Expect curves, hills, switchbacks, potholes, and other crazy drivers!

Surrender as the Beginning of Spiritual Formation

When we courageously look deep down inside of our souls and we confess the lies that are deep within us, then we allow the truth to work its transformation within us. God’s truth is always transforming, but we have to take part in that process. We have to surrender to it. Surrender requires the confession of truth as the first step because that truth informs transformation. Transformation without the truth is indeed still transformation, but it’s not the kind you want. Transformation with the truth, God’s truth, and the confession of truth, is the beginning of spiritual formation. Every human is formed spiritually but that can mean for the good or for the worse. This broken world we live in can twist and distort a spirit into something far different than what God designed. In Willard and Simpson’s book, “The Revolution of Character,” they define spiritual formation for the Christian as “the Holy Spirit-driven process of forming the inner world of the human self in such a way that it becomes like the inner being of Christ himself” (p. 16). The focus of Christian spiritual formation is on Jesus. (For more on this read Phil. 2.) This process is an internal process, it is about revealing or accepting truth deep within us that is often buried under a huge pile of lies.

Psalm 51:6 states, “Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.” When we believe the lies that are within us are “the truth,” then the real truth, God’s truth, is hidden from us even though it is still in us. How do you know the real truth in is you? One great evidence of this is the fact that we all worship something. Every single person who has ever lived worships something. Some worship God. Some worship Satan. Some worship money, fame, work, people, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, and on and on. It is an endless list because it is individual to every single person ever created. Is that a coincidence? Hardly. The fact that we all worship something points to a Creator who designed you to worship Him. But, in accordance with the free will He also instilled into every single person, He leaves it up to you to decide just who or what you are going to worship.

Therefore, when we worship something other than the One who created us, we are listening to lies that are within us. These lies originate from sin – sin that we do, witness, or that is done to us. The lies bury the truth. Those lies steer us away from God and they become the voice that is louder than the Holy Spirit within us. This is what Paul meant in 1 Thes. 5:19 when he said, “Do not quench the Spirit.” What a scary thought that is! The lies that we hold within us as our truth inhibit the work of the Holy Spirit within us. Spiritual formation is stifled. Revealing the truth, accepting God’s truth as the one and only truth, releases the Holy Spirit to do amazing things in your life! The fruits of the Spirit, which are “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23), become evident in your life. Practically, what that looks like is you have and show more love and compassion for other people, even those who disagree with you. You are gentler and more patient with yourself and others. There is a peace that you experience with knowing that God is in control and that He is for you.

Be sure to understand that spiritual formation is not about behavior change. It is not legalism. It isn’t about the clothes we wear, how often we go to church or Sunday school, how many times a week we read our Bible, not drinking or cussing, or even thinking “I’m keeping all the 10 commandments.” Legalism is living by a set of behavior rules in order to earn your salvation. Talk about cheapening the value of the Cross! Paul states that “the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Rom. 5:5). Do you see it? Within! God’s love is within our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Spiritual formation is about heart change.

Surrender and Self-Worth

When we know this truth, God’s truth, that is “poured out within our hearts,” we become more like Christ. Spiritual formation is happening! We are then more prepared to handle the awful things this broken world throws at us.

Let’s look at an example. Low self-worth is learned. No baby comes out of the womb feeling bad about itself. Every child comes out of the womb, knowing that they are deserving of love, honor, respect, nurturing, and caring. They are literally born with a healthy, unadulterated self-worth. It is the world that teaches a person that they are unworthy. Christine Caine, in her book “Unashamed,” said that shame “whispers lies to your soul” (pg. 25). To be clear, anything that lowers your self-worth is a lie. Some of those lies are twisting and distorting your inherent worth and you end up believing the lies. Sigmund Freud defined a series of defense mechanisms, and one was called introjection. It is taking in what other people say about us as truth. A woman who is caught in abusive relationship who is told over and over again that she is worthless and to blame for everything, and that her value is determined only by what her spouse says will stay in that relationship because, to her, it is the truth. She has absorbed his words as truth. Introjection has done its work. Sometimes that abuse is so extensive and maybe even part of a family legacy that that woman doesn’t even understand that it is not normal. She is blind to the fact that it is abuse. Therefore, for her to leave, she has to first recognize for herself that she is in an abusive relationship. Then she has to start to accept the truth of who she is based on being created in the image of God and surrender to that truth. It is at that point of surrender that she not only gives up living the lie of low self-worth but also gives into a process of transformation based on knowing her self-worth is based on the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. That is the beginning of spiritual formation. Just like the blind man who was blind from birth, she has to have her eyes opened to see the Light.

For me, as a child going through sexual abuse, I truly had no word to put to it to say what it was. I just knew it was wrong. I knew that it was shameful and that grew into “I am shameful.” It felt so dirty and that grew into “I am dirty.” In my eyes I was damaged goods that no one would want to be around if they knew what was happening. For me to start seeing the truth of my worth, I had to first assign all responsibility to my grandfather who did those things to me. Then I had to start listening more to what God says about me than what I said about me. Priscilla Shirer, in her bible study “Discerning the Voice of God,” said that fellowship with the Father is “turning off all the other voices in your head.” I started quoting Scripture to myself like Ps. 139:14 “I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” Or I would translate it into what I call “Audra’s Relevant Paraphrase” and say “God made me wonderfully and He doesn’t make junk. I know this in my soul.” Even if I didn’t know it fully in my soul, I said it as a way to accept it. I also created my own mantra that is rather repetitive but says what I need to it say, “I am a beloved child of God, whole and complete, perfect in His sight.” To this day, some 30 years later, I still say it to myself when I have self-deprecating moments. This work and a God-moment that I will share later on are what set my self-worth back on course.

Paul, in Eph. 3:14-21 is my favorite prayer in the Bible. I often end presentations by using this Scripture for my closing prayer. It is fitting to end this section with it.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Surrender Strengthens

In 2008, Gilchrist, Texas, a residential community on the Bolivar Peninsula on the Texas coast, got hit hard by Hurricane Ike. Thirty-seven souls were lost in that storm that had a surge of over 14’ and 20’+ waves. Afterwards, the entire coastline looked like it had been flattened by a bomb! Of the 1000 or so buildings in Gilchrist, 99.5% of them were demolished or washed away by the storm surge (Weather Underground). But one house remained. One bright yellow house that had just been built three years before. The owner, an electrical engineer, decided after the storm three years prior that demolished their home, that this new house would be engineered for storms. It was designed and built stronger and taller on stilts. The foundation was stronger and more prepared for the inevitable storms that come with living on the coast.

Our spiritual formation, our foundation, is the same way. It has to be built stronger. Our engineer designed and built us prepared for the storms. The yellow house in Gilchrist became the symbol of resilience in the face of devastation. Spiritual formation is the source of resilience in the face of adversity, trials, and devastation. The foundation is exactly what Paul talked about in Romans 5: “the love of God … poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit.” When we surrender to the fact that God loves us no matter what, when we surrender to the fact that sent His Son to die for you and me and not some generic “world” (“For God so loved [Audra or Sally or etc.] that He gave His only begotten Son” John 3:16), when we surrender to the fact that Jesus chose to die for you and me, then we are being spiritually formed by the Truth.

3 Levels of Surrender

The result of surrendering our will is spiritual formation. Surrendering is foundational to spiritual formation and learning to trust God. The process of aligning our will with God’s, dying to self, and accepting complete identification with Jesus Christ is spiritual formation. It is becoming Christ-like. As such, our character will change. It is a transforming process.

Surrendering is not quitting or a quitting mindset. But sometimes people surrender with a quitting mindset. We must surrender with a transforming mindset. Whether or not you hear from God or have answers to your prayers, your attitude will change when you approach surrender as a transforming process. Surrendering in a way of “Here it is, God, I don’t want it” is a quitting mindset. It is running from the problem. Surrendering with a transforming mindset is “Here it is, God, I know you are supremely sovereign and can redeem it in some way.” Getting on your knees and prayerfully surrendering in this way is attitude and life changing. Plus, you can’t run when you are on your knees!

There are three levels of surrender with each step being a deeper level of acceptance and development of spiritual formation. These levels are on a continuum and are not discrete levels.

Level 1 – Accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior

Level 2 – Accept my identity in Christ

Level 3 – Accept joy, contentment, and gratitude (even in the midst of trials and suffering)

In just looking at these levels, you can see that Levels 1 and 2 are an inward focus whereas Level 3 is an outward focus. This is a growth process that shifts the focus from self to God. Phil. 4:13 mentions this growth: “I can do all things through Him [Christ] who strengthens me.” Notice that it doesn’t say “with Him” but “through Him.” The word “through” is a very different word and it means two different things. One is about a location. If I go through a doorway, I’ve gone to a new place, a new location. “Through” is also a process. For example, I’ve gone through a healing process. I’ve gone through hard times. If I arrive at a play late, I go in halfway through the first act. This is about a process and getting to a different place, not just that I have Jesus as a great companion with me. It’s not just about having someone with me who is making me stronger. So, “through Christ” means that I am going to be different when I come through. Christ left the spiritual realm and came to a physical realm. God became man and flesh. He is asking us to move from the flesh to the spirit. He is inviting us to come from a fleshly side to the spiritual side. That is the process and the location. This is the transformation of surrender.

Level 1 Surrender

Willard and Simpson, in their book “Revolution of Character” (p. 122-123), describe the first step of surrender as agreeing to surrender to God’s supremacy, sovereignty, and will. You accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. It is in this level that we are baptized as the outward expression of an internal acceptance, surrender, and commitment. We surrender to the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ and we rise out of that water to a new life. In this level, we are “infants in Christ” (1Cor. 3:1) as Paul called new Christians. Paul compares the spiritually immature to babies. He continues the analogy saying he fed them “milk” (1 Cor. 3:2) meaning he taught them the basics about God and Christian life. He doesn’t say how long they have been on a milk diet, but he is definitely frustrated and concerned that they aren’t chewing on more solid food. This is obvious to Paul because he sees “jealousy and strife” (1 Cor. 3:3) among them. It is concerning because, just like babies need to transition to eating solid food for healthy growth, so also Christians need to chew on deeper Godly truths to grow and develop spiritually. The Christians in Corinth were not exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) that result from a surrendered heart. As Christians mature, their behavior will change to reflect the heart change. Christians in Level 1 are often still living in the flesh, living for self and fleshly desires. We often live life begrudgingly and maybe even with a lot of complaining about the circumstances of life and about God.

It is in this stage that we grapple with the hard “Why?!” questions about God, His ways, evil in this world, and bad things happening to good people. Questions like “Why is there suffering?” “Why does God allow these bad things?” “Why am I suffering the consequences and the person who inflicted the pain getting off Scott-free?” These questions and all the others along the same theme can plague someone on this level. The conundrum is that this is a Level 1 question but only a Level 2-3 person can fully accept the answer. And even then, it is not an easy answer but one that requires a deeper faith and trust in God (See Appendix for more on this). The Why question itself drives a person to seek a deeper level of surrender. Or, for some, they simply get stuck here because they are unwilling to do the gut-wrenching work of healing and moving past wounds that keep them stuck.

The pastor at my church, when doing baptisms, will explain the importance and significance of baptisms to the congregation. As part of that explanation he says, “Baptism is a great starting place and a terrible ending place.” Level 1 is a great place to start. But, if it is where your growth ends, your faith, while regenerative, is stunted. The spiritually rich and abundant life of a deep faith is birthed by deeper surrender and relationship with God.

Paul provides us with a great example of the levels of surrender through his own life. He was, self-admittedly, the “foremost of all” sinners (1 Tim. 1:15) and he persecuted the church of God as well as murdering and putting both men and women in prisons (Acts 9:1-2; 22:3-4). Before his conversion, Paul’s name was Saul. On the road to Damascus, he encountered Jesus who confronted him by asking, “Why are you persecuting Me?” (Acts 9:4). He was given instructions to go into the city and the men he was with lead him to the city because he was blinded after seeing Jesus. Ananias was sent by God to go see Saul, but he was resistant because Saul had such a terrible reputation among the Jews. But Ananias obeyed and when he saw Saul and spoke to him, scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. He was immediately baptized, then ate, and then began preaching (Acts 9:3-20).

Paul’s conversion literally changed his entire life. He surrendered his old life of power, fame, and wealth for a life of persecution and pain. He accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior and was transformed from Saul, the persecuting murderer, to Paul, the apostle. He transformed from a zealot for Rome to a zealot for Christ.

I remember well this level of surrender in my own life. I don’t say that with pride. As I reflect on it now, I am simply grateful for the growth that has occurred. But I remember living in both worlds at the same time. I had largely cleaned up my “sailor speak” but often it still came out my mouth. Most often it was still in my head in that internal voice that can be so loud sometimes! I remember being caught in legalistic living (and I wasn’t good at it!) instead of heart change. I also was stuck on the “Why?!” question. Why did God allow my abuse? Where was He during that time? Why does God allow such evil to happen? Why must we suffer and have pain, sickness, and disease?

I also remember low self-worth being a struggle for me. I berated myself whenever I failed. I was scared to try new things if I wasn’t sure I could succeed. When I was a kid, I heard my dad brag on me saying, “Whatever she does, she does it really good.” Even then, I chose really well in what I would try next because to try and fail was devastating. It wasn’t that I was so talented. Rather, I was very good at discerning what I could do well. My identity was still based on the woundedness caused by sexual abuse. It was not based on anything about what God says.

Level 2 Surrender

Level 2 surrender is an acceptance of your identity in Christ. In this level, the Why question begins to shift from Why? to How?. How do I go about this? How do I endure this? How do you want me to do this? The Why question is still present, but it is in the background with the understanding that I don’t necessarily get to have the answer to this question. Or sometimes the question has been surrendered to a later time in the hopes of a satisfactory answer in a deeper level of surrender or when I see Jesus face-to-face. The hallmark question of this level is “Who am I?” Believers in this level move from a self-worth that is based on what Robert S. McGee, in his book “The Search for Significance,” called the “Performance Trap.” He defined this trap as the result of basing your self-worth on other people’s opinions and your performance (p. 42). It is a trap because there is no freedom in basing your self-worth on things that are completely out of your control and are never stable. You cannot control what other people say about you. Likewise, you can do your very best at something and it still not be good enough. Or you could be physically challenged and not be able to perform. I used to work in the Worker’s Compensation field as a counselor and too often, many of my clients were hard-labor men who were injured and could not work. They struggled greatly with depression because they couldn’t perform (provide) for their families. Their view of themselves was so low as a result. They felt worthless.

In this level, you have learned and accepted that your self-worth is no longer based on what you or anyone else says or your performance. Self-worth is based only on what God says about you. We will look at self-worth more in Chapter 4 To Be Known, but what I want to say here is that I often have people sitting in my counseling office explaining to me that in their head they understand identity in Christ but in here (tapping their heart) they don’t. They want to know how you “move it” from intellectual knowledge to heart knowledge. The simple but complex answer is they must surrender more deeply.

Another part of Level 2 Surrender is fully accepting who you are and who you are is largely shaped, not just by Christ, but by the experiences we have gone through. My identity is fully in Christ, but I also recognize that experiences shape who you are as a person. I was sexually abused as a child and for so many years I absolutely hated that it happened to me. I so wished it hadn’t happened to me. But as I’ve healed, I have learned that I am who I am because of what I’ve gone through and without that experience, I would not be who I am today. And I’m pretty cool. I can’t say I love what happened to me. That would be ridiculous, but I accept what happened to me. I can’t love who I am today and hate what made me and shaped me. For example, I would not be nearly as effective as a trauma counselor if I didn’t have my own trauma experience. It is one way that God has redeemed the abuse for me.

According to Williard and Simpson, when you come to a place of being fully surrendered and not holding anything of yourself back from God, you are in a place of “abandonment.” You have a deeper “buy-in.” In this level, Romans 8:28 truly hits home as you fully accept and embrace that “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God.” Trusting that anything good, bad, or indifferent is redeemable and used for your good is an incredible reality to embrace! Willard and Simpson said, “Older Christian writers often speak of how we are privileged to ‘kiss the rod’ of affliction that strikes us, even while trembling with weakness and pain…We cease to live on edge, wondering, will God do what I want? Pain will not turn to bitterness or disappointment to paralysis” (p. 123).

About 10 years ago, I made it a personal mission of mine to teach as many people as possible Ps. 139:14.

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” Psalms 139:14

I find the verse so very ironic because most Christians are at least familiar with the first part of this verse, but they don’t know the second half. It is ironic because they also don’t know it as a truth for themselves. I have used it almost every time I speak to large groups and with a vast majority of my clients. It is on a piece of wall art in my office. I had it painted on my Can-Am Spyder motorcycle. The irony is also that all of this is an equally important reminder to me. I teach it to so many and in doing so I am reinforcing it in myself. Over the years, I have asked thousands of people to quote this verse and probably less than 20 could recite the whole verse. I think they don’t know the verse because they don’t actually KNOW the verse. A friend of mine says, “You have to know in your knower” meaning you have to know it deep within your core being, your soul.

Part of Level 2 is often the grumbling that comes with reluctant obedience. In this level, we do what God asks us, albeit sometimes it takes a lot of back and forth in that decision but grumbling and complaining are part of this too. I jokingly, but accurately, say that a lot of my Level 2 surrendering is not evidenced by footprints but rather drag marks. The other visual I have of this aspect of Level 2 surrender is the child who is saying “Yes, sir” to his father at the dinner table but is angry, resentful, or even disappointed.

When we look at Paul’s walk in his Christian faith, we see the Level 1 surrender of accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. He progresses to Level 2 as his identity is firmly rooted in Christ. In Gal. 2:20, he said, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” But we also see times of grumbling that is also part of Level 2. In his letter to the Philippians, Paul said, “I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith” (Phil. 1:23-25). He loved the Philippians, but he also got frustrated. He loved Christ and wanted to be with Him, but he resigned himself to being with the people on Earth.

When my son, Aron, was about 10 years old, he “smarted off” to his dad at the dinner table. At this point, I don’t even remember what he said, just that it was disrespectful and resulting from a poor attitude that night. Tim stood up, grabbed his arm, to walk him back to his room for a talk. Aron jerked his arm away and said, “I know where I’m going!” I have to admit, it was an odd mix of emotions for me, both frustration with him and laughter. To this day, it still makes me smile.

Years later, I was reminded of this story because I was the one being grabbed by the arm. We didn’t know our neighbors three houses down from us, we just knew of them because the husband/father of the family was a bit of a celebrity. He was tragically murdered by someone he was trying to help. This was a faithful family and in this time of grief, the widow relied heavily on their family motto verse, Micah 6:8: “He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” She quoted this several times in her social media posts and interviews she did. I draw a bit for my art, and I do a thing that I call DoodleArt which is basically fake or drawn calligraphy. I felt that inner voice of the Holy Spirit telling me to do this verse in my DoodleArt. I was fine with the task of drawing it. The part that I didn’t want to do is give it to her because I didn’t know her. I spent some time drawing it and then framed it and the whole time I was asking God to provide an easier delivery method than walking down to the house of a grieving widow who I don’t know and give her this gift that she may or may not appreciate. I called another neighbor who knew her and asked if they would deliver it for me and he declined saying, “Oh no, just walk down there and knock on the door.” Ugh. So, I started walking and the story of my son came to mind. I said to God (and it may have been out loud making me look like the crazy lady of the neighborhood), “I know where I’m going!”

This is a solid Level 2 surrender. God told me to do something; I did the part that I was good with doing but I grumbled and begged during the part that I didn’t want to do. I left drag marks in my obedience.

The Bridge to Level 3 Surrender
Changing the Focus

An intentional step to start taking to move from Level 2 to Level 3 is changing the focus. When you take a photograph, you can set the camera lens to focus close-up and when you do, the background becomes blurred and out of focus. When you focus the lens on the background, then the foreground becomes blurred and out of focus. Paul’s writing in 2 Cor. 12:7-10 is an excellent example of this.

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me – to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Moving from Level 2 to Level 3 Surrender requires a clarity of knowing you are in a spiritual battle. Paul recognized that he was in a spiritual battle with Satan. It is a clarity that comes with confidence and assurance that God is in charge (and you are not!). Paul begged God three times to remove the thorn in his flesh. There is much debate about what he meant by this. Was it a physical malady? Was it depression? Was it a physical issue that led to an emotional or spiritual issue? We don’t know. What we do know is that it must have inhibited him in some way and he wanted God to heal him. This is Level 2 language. But when God said “No,” Paul’s response was gladness knowing that this thorn in his flesh will be used for God’s glory. He determined that he would be content with whatever Satan would throw at him in this spiritual battle because he knew that his own weakness would reveal God’s strength. What a positive reframe! He changed his focus.

There was a period of time in my life when I was teaching undergraduate psychology classes as Dallas Baptist University (DBU). It is a beautiful campus, and I always loved being there. I earned both my undergraduate and graduate degrees from DBU. For most of the entire last year of my graduate degree, every time I arrived at campus and walked to class, I would hear God say, “You need to teach here.” I had quite the conversations with Him about this! What do I know about teaching? I’ve never thought about teaching! I’ve never taught before! While I loved DBU, I also recognized that I didn’t really fit the mold. You see, DBU is very conservative and formal, especially in contrast to me. But in obedience I inquired and, as I’m sure you have already guessed, I was invited to teach as adjunct faculty. Once I got over the fear, I truly loved teaching! So, for 11 years total, I split my schedule between teaching and counseling. I was so fortunate to have my two dream jobs!

Then God spoke to me more. At about year 5 of teaching, every time I arrived on campus and walked to class, I heard God tell me, “You need to work here full time.” I was having none of it! I am not giving up counseling! And, even worse, I don’t fit the DBU mold (so to speak) to be happy there full time. So, we battled. “You need to work here full time.” “No, I don’t. That wouldn’t be good for me.” Over and over again. Because I’m a slow learner in some areas, months went by with having this argument until I finally relented and said, “OK. I’ll go tell someone I will throw my hat in this ring!” Fortunately, the person I needed to talk to about this was my favorite lady on campus. I told her what was happening, that I didn’t want to do it, but that I was being obedient. That’s a great way to apply for a job, right?! Then, I informed God (yes, you read that right) that He was going to have to adjust my attitude and have me like working there full time. Do you hear the Level 2 Surrender? My battle cry was truly, “I’ll do it but I’m going to gripe the whole time unless You change me.”

I grew weary of that battle and fortunately for me God’s patience outlasted my bad attitude. I finally decided that if He wanted me to do this, then I could find a way to be happy in it. Just as He told me to teach in the first place and then gifted me with the ability to do it well, God will see me through this too. I didn’t know how. But I knew He could and would. I changed my focus.

In the hard times, in the midst of problems and things you don’t want to do, there are two perspectives from which we can choose.

Are you going to focus on what
God is doing

in the midst of discomfort/pain?

and

Are you going to focus on what

You are doing

in the midst of discomfort/pain?

The original meaning of the phrase navel-gazing refers to the meditative practice of looking at your navel to help you attain a level of deeper spiritual connection or insight. Today, navel-gazing is generally a negative term describing someone who is self-centered and overly focused on their own thoughts, feelings, and problems. The contrast is interesting to me because of Attachment theory (which will be explained in a few more pages so keep reading!). The navel is the evidence of your connection to your mother and the evidence that you were created to be emotionally and spiritually attached to someone else. In keeping with the positive connotation of this phrase, we can then remind ourselves to have the outward focus of attaching to our divine caregiver. But if we fall prey to the negative connotation, then we are only seeing ourselves and our troubles. Bridging from Level 2 to Level 3 Surrender requires an outward focus, a shift in perspective from self to God. It is drawing near to the Father.

Kristi McLelland, in her Bible study, “Jesus and Women,” highlights the differences between the Western lens and Middle Eastern lens of faith and God. She points out that the Western lens is focused more on self with wanting to understand first and then believe and with questions such as “What does this passage teach me about me?” But the Middle Eastern lens is just the opposite. That culture believes first and then knows that understanding will follow (whether here on Earth or in heaven). It also shifts the question to “What does this passage teach me about God?” The Western lens studies to acquire knowledge while the Middle Eastern lens studies to be fed spiritually. I can’t help but think that the Middle Eastern cultural perspective promotes deeper surrender than the Western culture does.

Perfect in Weakness

God uses your “weaker” moments to do the perfecting. I say “weaker” in quotations because surrender is really a time of strength. It takes strength to recognize the need and ask for God’s help. It takes strength to surrender control. You must know that it is the times of “various trials” (James 1:2) that flexes our strength and perseverance muscles. Paul, in his letter to the Romans, states “we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Rom. 5:3-5). This passage has always been a favorite of mine. It is the progression of spiritual formation. It also shows what we are already capable of, we just have to have it refined or honed within us. My daughter said that “God is chiseling away at you piece by piece to make you into a beautiful ‘made in the image of God’ person who He created you to be.” I love that imagery! It reminds me of Michaelangelo’s sculptures on display in the Academia Gallery in Florence, Italy. The famous David sculpture is, of course, on magnificent display there. There are also four sculptures called “The Slaves” or “The Prisoners.” These are incomplete sculptures. It is unsure if Michaelangelo intentionally left them unfinished to show his concept of creativity or if they were works in progress when he died. His idea of his purpose in sculpting is what is so unique. These sculptures are so amazing to view because of how they are carved. Usually when you see a carving in progress, you see that the sculptor is working all around the piece so that as the piece progresses you see the large block of marble become a rough shape of a man. Then the shape is increasingly refined chip by chip, sanding by sanding. However, when you view “The Prisoners,” you will see a noticeable difference. Michaelangelo worked from the face side of the block and sculpture and simply carved back creating a relief of a man emerging from the block of marble. The backside of the block is still the same rough, flat surface as when he started. So, the sculpted men look as if they are being freed from the block of marble. Michaelangelo “believed the sculptor was a tool of God, not creating but simply revealing the powerful figures already contained in the marble. Michelangelo’s task was only to chip away the excess, to reveal” (Academia.org). Trials and tribulations are the Sculptor’s hammer and chisel revealing what is already in us if we allow it. That is Level 3 surrender.

Level 3 Surrender

Level 3 surrender is accepting joy, contentment, and gratitude in the midst of trials and suffering. In this level contentment, gratitude, and joy are woven into the tapestry of life. In the good times, contentment, gratitude, and joy are present. In the difficult times and pain, gratitude and joy are present for they are not dependent on situations. They are a state of being in your soul and spirit. When James said to “Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials” (James 1:2), it wasn’t a command but an invitation to a deeper level of surrender and a full acceptance of God’s will. The second half of that verse is the result of such acceptance: “knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (v.3). This level of surrender is very different from the first two levels that still have grumbling and complaining. In this level of surrender, the grumbling and complaining are no longer present because your will is surrendered to Him in such a way that you are walking with Him and in His will. Rejoicing that “this is the day the Lord has made” (Ps. 118:24) is now a natural response. Or perhaps it is a supernatural response because it can only happen with the infusion of the Holy Spirit and complete surrender!

Peter lays out the path for spiritual formation in 2 Peter 1:3-11. I will bold the words to highlight the path for you.

“Seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you.”

Do you see the progression? Follow it with me: “applying all diligence” (try your best) –> “supply moral excellence” (work to do good) –> “knowledge” (deeper understanding of God) –> “self-control” (restraint of our urges) –> “perseverance” (practicing self-control over time; stick-to-it-iveness) –> “godliness” (godly goodness) –> “brotherly kindness” (doing good for each other; affection) –> “love” (agape; selfless and sacrificial caring for others) –> “never stumble” (never have reason to doubt or stumble) –> “eternal kingdom” (heaven). Contentment naturally flows from this depth of surrender.

It is also important to note the part of this passage that says, “For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins.” Notice that the lack of these qualities listed is not only indicative of stunted spiritual growth, but it is also losing sight of Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross. If we are not adopting these qualities, we are abandoning the possibility of deeper life with God. Fully embracing your salvation in Level 1 Surrender results in motivation and inspiration to dive deeper both in your surrender and in your relationship with God. These qualities flow naturally from a surrendered and redeemed heart. Surrender is very closely related to relationship with God. You cannot deepen your level of surrender without a deeper relationship with God and vice versa.

I have also heard these levels of surrender described a different way, although similar. There is the initial surrender to the draw of the Holy Spirit when you surrender your heart and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Then as you grow in your faith and knowledge, you have a greater level of surrender to the Holy Spirit. When we surrender more and more of our lives to the Holy Spirit then there is more room for the filling of the Holy Spirit and therefore deeper intimacy with God. The fruits of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), which are also traits of God, are evident in our lives at this point. As we increasingly surrender, we are putting aside the old self for the new redeemed self (Col. 3:1-17, 2 Cor. 5:17). The deepest level of surrender then is the ultimate goal of all Christians: to live completely for God with joy, gratitude, and contentment infused in all things because you know and accept that these states of being are not the result of situations and circumstances. The states of being of joy, gratitude, and contentment are the fruit of total surrender and knowing that “your reward is great in heaven” (Luke 6:23). This is why Paul was able to sing and praise God while in prison. Paul and Silas had been beaten with rods, thrown in prison, and even were shackled at their feet. Yet, they sang. They praised God. At this level of deep surrender, Romans 8:28 is no longer what I call a hindsight verse, it is a way of life.

The hallmark questions of Level 3 surrender are “What do you want from me?” and “What are you revealing about you, God?” and “How can this be used to glorify you, God?” This turns the focus from self to God. It is shifting your gaze from self to God. These questions turn every situation into an opportunity to learn more about God, to strengthen and deepen your relationship with Him, to realign your focus and perspective to the Kingdom, and to glorify God.

I think of the memory with my son saying, “I know where I’m going” often because it is the phrase that comes first to my mind when I am surrendering to something God tells me to do, and I don’t want to do it. God told me to be President of Christian Counselors of Texas, Inc. again after already serving for four years about ten years before. I fought it, I cried about it, I consulted with Tim and friends, and ultimately, I said, “I know where I’m going!” And then my next prayer was, “God give me the good attitude and mindset to do it.” I realize now that I was praying the wrong prayer. “God give me the good attitude and mindset” is focused on me. It isn’t focused on Him. As I have shifted my prayer to “Tell me what you want from me in this position,” “What are you revealing to me about you, God?” and “How can I glorify you, God, in this position?” I find myself in a better attitude and mindset. I’m no longer focused on what I don’t want to do and am aligned to being open to what God wants to show me and teach me.

It is also important to understand that Level 3 surrender does not mean you are calm, peaceful, or happy about your circumstances. Jesus battled surrender in the Garden of Gethsemane, but we will discuss this more in the section on peace in Chapter 3. For now, I want you to remember that Level 3 surrender doesn’t necessarily mean you are at a complete sense of calm and peace.

You Are Here

Finally, I want to stress again that these levels are not boxes that are completely separate from each other. They are on a continuum. In fact, a continuum implies a linear process, and this process looks more like a bowl of spaghetti. It is entirely possible (and likely) that your level of surrender flexes in your walk with the Lord. No one’s walk is perfect or perfectly consistent. So, sometimes you might be at a 2.3 and other times you may be at 3.1. Additionally, you might see that in some parts of your life or situations you are in Level 2 but in other areas or situations, you are in Level 3. The side benefit of assessing your level of surrender is seeing the unredeemed parts of you. You can use the chart below to help you assess where you are in your walk and to help you keep the target clearly in front of you.

Surrender

I accept…

Hallmark Question

Level 1

Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior

Why?

Level 2

My identity in Christ

Who am I?

How? How do I go about this?

How do you want me to do this?

Level 3

Joy, contentment, and gratitude

What do you want from me, God?

What are you revealing about you, God?

How can this be used to glorify you, God?

Again, this process is a repetitive process. Let’s look at forgiveness which may give you a better picture of what I am trying to explain. Forgiveness is a form of surrender, so it applies nicely here. When we forgive, we are giving the hurt to God and relinquishing our right for revenge. We trust that God is a better judge than we are and that He will exact the appropriate justice. Sometimes forgiveness comes in a wash of emotional release. Other times, we have to choose to forgive by giving it to God, repeatedly. I visualize this process as laying it at the foot of the cross. The problem is that often that wound will get picked on and the scab will bleed so we walk back to that cross and pick up that which we had left. We have to then choose again to forgive. Over time, the process (hopefully) gets easier and faster with time.

As we encounter trials and tribulations through this life, we have the opportunity to grow in our spiritual formation and deepen our surrender. Much like forgiveness, we (hopefully) get more adept at this over time.

Surrender in the midst of great pain

In 2010, Kelsey got sick. It was truly a mystery illness that no doctor could figure out. Her whole body was in every kind of pain you can imagine – nerve pain, muscle pain, bone pain, and joint pain. There was no relief from pain. She was withering away right before our eyes. We had virtually no guidance and no answers from doctors. There was no diagnosis or treatment. No relief, no improvement. It was, without a doubt, the time of my life when I felt the most helpless. She had such unusual symptoms in addition to the severe, debilitating pain. She had moments of weird visual events. For her, the entire visual world would turn 90 degrees. Can you imagine seeing trees horizontally? She would have severe bouts of vertigo where the room spun on a vertical axis like bed spins. But other times the room would spin on a horizontal axis like she was flip flopping. She would see bright colors and designs on the walls and ceilings in a totally dark room. She had severe fatigue and some days just taking a shower would wipe her out for the day. My bright smart girl suddenly couldn’t do math and other school subjects just didn’t register with her. Brain fog was bad! Her pain and symptoms escalated every month with her menstrual cycle and even with the full moon. She was losing weight and the sparkle in her eyes was gone.

Perhaps the most troubling symptom was her passing out. She would report “feeling off” and we came to realize that passing out would happen next. The problem is that may be in a few minutes, or it may be in a day or two. We also learned with experience (the kind of experience you never want!) that her vertigo would be followed with visual effects, and then if she stood up, she would immediately pass out. Her brain would then reset in a way, and she would be back to “normal.”

She was diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic syndrome) which means that her body did not automatically adjust her blood pressure to offset the effect of gravity when she stood up. Did you know your body does that? It is just another amazing way that God designed our bodies! The effect of POTS is her feet and lower legs would turn a dark purplish color because of the blood pooling in her lower extremities when she stood up. That would make her legs feel very heavy like she was walking through waist deep water. It was also part of her pain. But we knew this wasn’t her final diagnosis. It didn’t explain all the other symptoms. Besides, neither me nor my husband were satisfied with a syndrome being a final diagnosis. The word syndrome literally translates as “set of symptoms.” It speaks nothing of a cause of the symptoms. Something has to cause the syndrome.

Getting a diagnosis was incredibly difficult and frustrating. In the end, I still have great difficulty in trusting doctors and their expertise. Seventeen doctors saw Kelsey until we got a diagnosis of Chronic Lyme disease. That is not including who I call “the Chinese medicine lady” who assessed Kelsey and suggested the 17th doctor who was a Lyme specialist.

It took two and a half very long, excruciating years to get the correct diagnosis. Other doctors said she was faking it, had environmental toxins, had shared psychotic disorder (Her best friend was also sick with the exact same symptoms. Five years later we found out that 5 out of 8 kids on her cross-country running team now have Lyme disease!), fibromyalgia, and multiple sclerosis. One time I took Kelsey to the hospital ER to get something, anything, for her pain. Her pediatric neurologist, one of the four doctors we love, had recommended that when the pain got too bad to go to the ER and ask for the neurologist on duty because he would be the one to prescribe her pain medication. So that is what we did. The ER doctor said, “You have a higher chance of Elvis Presley walking through this ER than having a neurology consult.” We left. I drove us home, crying and apologizing to Kelsey for not being able to help her and for all the awful doctors we had encountered so far.

At some point during those undiagnosed years, I adopted a phrase to say to myself and God when Kelsey would pass out. I remember one time when it happened at church. My best girlfriend and second mom to my kids, Lettia, was right there with us and she witnessed Kelsey fall out. She asked me, “How do you do it? How do you handle seeing this?” “Into your hands, O Lord,” was my response. I explained to her that in that phrase, I am both praying for Kelsey and surrendering her to God. It’s a reference to Jesus’ last words on the cross. With his last breath, Jesus mustered the last of his strength to cry out “with a loud voice, said, ‘Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit’” (Luke 23:46). Jesus gave up his spirit to God who then received it. When I say those words as my prayer, I am reminded that I am not in charge. I am reminded that I have no control in this situation. I am reminded that I have a God who is in charge, who is in control, who receives my prayers, and who loves me and my loved ones deeper and wider than I could ever imagine.

Certainly, I hadn’t surrendered everything of that situation to God. I was a reluctant and stubborn student. I still am sometimes. But this was a huge first step for me and it allowed me to keep my sanity and my faith. The hell that is called Lyme disease tested my faith in a way it hadn’t been tested since my abuse. The little faith, if any, I had as a child was lost in the abyss of pain from abuse. I decided this time to stubbornly refuse to lose my faith. Every aspect of my trust in God was tested and refined by the fire of that hell.

Trust and Attachment

Before we can return to the wood mouse, don’t forget about him, we must address why trust is vital for a rich and healthy life. At its root, trust is about connection. We are made for connection. We are designed for connection. In the Genesis creation story, God created everything and then He sat back and reviewed it, and He looked at everything and saw that it was good except for one thing: it was not good that man was alone and that is when He created Eve. When we are alone, we feel it deep in our soul. When we feel alone, we feel it deep in our soul.

We are born attached to our mothers. In utero, the umbilical cord is literally the lifeline to the fetus. Without it, the baby would die. The cord is comprised of three vessels: one vein that transfers oxygen and nutrients from the mother and two arteries that filters out carbon dioxide and other waste back to the placenta (Kate Sissons 3/29/25). It is also a source of stem cells, that if properly preserved in a cord blood bank, could be used to treat more than 85 different conditions including cancers (MedCells 3/29/25). The umbilical cord is the very life blood of connection for the baby from the mother, and not just in utero but possibly later in life, if situations that would benefit from it arise.

Our connection to God is much the same! God breathed the breath of life into man (Gen. 2:7) and with that breath came oxygen and the Holy Spirit. He supplies everything we need to grow and be healthy. He supplies the oxygen and nutrients. In return, in our connection to God, we are to “cast all our anxiety on Him” (1 Peter 5:7). We are to filter out all the stuff that isn’t naturally in us or for us. That is what “giving it to God” literally means. We give our burdens and strongholds to God because He is the one who can actually do something with it. If it is redeemable at all, He will do it. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” That which we give God can be used for our good.

Once that cord is clamped and cut, the baby is still wholly dependent on mom and dad. He can do nothing on his own. He would die if never cared for. Do you remember the awful Russian orphanages where they found huge rooms of children and babies in metal cribs, one right next to another, with absolutely no stimulation for those children? They were given food and water but no emotional connection, no mental stimulation, and no or very little physical touch. Without the emotional and physical connection, many of those children developed “Failure to Thrive” syndrome in which they ended up mentally retarded and worse, dead. They were born healthy but failed to survive or develop properly because of emotional neglect and lack of emotional connection.

There is a long-held debate called Nature vs. Nurture. Is intelligence, for example, due to nature (genetics) or is it a result of nurture (caring attention that shapes development)? Is personality the result of nature or nurture? Is mental health predisposed by nature or is it taught or modeled by the nurturing? One thing is for sure, they are not mutually exclusive. Nature needs nurture. An acorn has everything it needs to be a mighty oak tree, but it has to have soil, water, and sunshine. The growth environment must be present.

As Dr. Cloud, states, “Trusting is the most natural and instinctual thing infants do” (pg. 20). They have to trust that someone will feed them when they are hungry, change their diaper when it is soiled, and hold them for physical and emotional comfort and connection. When any of those three things do not happen, trust is damaged or broken. This dynamic affects how they attach to their main caregivers. Gary Sibcy and Tim Clinton, in their book “Why You Do the Things You Do,” defined attachment as “a special relationship, bond or connection with another person(s) that is characterized by strong emotions and continues through time” (p. 239). When you learn at an early age that you can’t trust your primary caregivers to nurture you, you learn that people are not safe. They can’t be counted on. Or they begin to believe they aren’t worthy of such care. These are attachment injuries, and they do not have to be dramatic or traumatic to be incredibly effective in changing how you view yourself and others. This is how core beliefs are shaped and developed.

Clinton and Sibcy break down the core beliefs into two sets of beliefs or dimensions. The first is the “self dimension” and it “centers around two critical questions: 1. Am I worthy of being loved? 2. Am I able to do what I need to do to get the love I need?” (p. 23). These two questions are centered around self-worth. The second set of beliefs is the “other dimension,” and the heart of these beliefs is focused on these two questions: “1. Are other people reliable and trustworthy? 2. Are people accessible and wiling to respond to me when I need them?” (p. 23). These two questions are about whether or not other people are trustworthy. Can you rely on them? Do you believe others will have your back? The combination of your four answers, whether in the positive or negative, shape your view of the world and relationships. In Attachment Theory, your particular combination of answers determines your relationship style. (If you are interested in completing an assessment to determine your own attachment style, the Clinton and Sibcy book can provide that for you. There are also web-based assessments you can do.) Sometimes, those beliefs are learned in such a way that you adopt the “I don’t need anyone” life philosophy which ultimately is a disconnection from others. Others learn that I have to be worthy of connection from others through my behavior which is rooted in the relationship style that says, “I will save you” or “you need to rescue me.” A third option of unhealthy or insecure attachment is the one that most often occurs with abuse. They learn that the source of their comfort is also the source of their pain. It is such a difficult and confusing conundrum to simultaneously want comfort from this caregiver but also be afraid because pain is associated with that caregiver.

Secure attachment results when you are assured of your self-worth and you are assured that others can be trustworthy. You can trust that others will support you, comfort you, and nurture you, not because of anything you do for them but simply because they know yours (and everyone else’s) worth. Securely attachment people feel safe with emotional connection and intimacy. Although, they also recognize that not everyone has earned the privilege of their emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They are empathetic and understand other people’s feelings. Overall, the securely attached person is lower in anxiety in relationship with others and knows that confrontation, while difficult, can be very healthy and productive in relationship.

My point here isn’t to educate you on Attachment Theory although, I think everyone should learn about it because it truly affects every single person on this planet. But a far better source for this information would be the Sibcy and Clinton book, “Why You Do the Things You Do” and just about anything written by Dr. Sue Johnson. My point in bringing up attachment and how it relates to trust is to assert that the everlasting cure to unhealthy attachment is to recognize that God is our ultimate caregiver. He is our secure attachment. He is the one who will never let us down. He is the one who will never leave us. He is the one who loves with a pure love. We must attach to God as our primary caregiver, our ultimate emotional connection. We have a natural “bent” for trust. It is designed within us. Just as we are all made to worship something, which is an amazing evidence of God, we are all made to trust. Psalm 22:9-10 states, “You are He who brought me forth from the womb; You made me trust when upon my mother’s breasts. Upon You I was cast from birth; You have been my God from my mother’s womb.” Psalm 118:8 drives the point home even more, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.” That is not to say that you shouldn’t trust man at all; rather it is better to trust God than man and to be careful not to get it backwards.

9/11 vs. Hurricane Katrina

Before Hurricane Katrina, studies were done to find out the rates of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in cities across North America. It found that New Orleans, Louisiana is the most traumatized city in all North America. Remember, this is prior to Hurricane Katrina. Twelve percent of people had PTSD! After Hurricane Katrina, that rate skyrocketed even more to 33%! The people who did the study did not report PTSD rates in New York City prior to 9/11but what would you guess the rate would be after that act of war on our homeland? I guessed 30%. Boy was I wrong! The PTSD rate in NYC after 9/11 is 5%. So, what is the difference?

There is an amazing photo taken on 9/11 of the Brooklyn Bridge closed to automobile traffic and it is filled with people all walking the same direction, away from Manhattan Island. All these people were walking away from the collapse of the World Trade Center Twin Towers (1 & 2), 7 World Trade Center building, and several other buildings that were destroyed or had significant damage, the horrors of the deaths that day both in the buildings and on the streets, the terrifying running from the collapses, the fear of not knowing if another attack was coming, and no communication with loved ones. An estimated 500,000 people were rescued from Manhattan Island by the largest boat rescue operation since World War II and Operation Dynamo in which 338,000 Allied troops were evacuated from the beaches and harbor at Dunkirk. But only 5% of New Yorkers suffered PTSD from it. Why? Where were they walking to? Home! They are going to a safe place. They were going to the safety, security, and warmth of home.

In Hurricane Katrina, an estimated 1.2 million people were rescued by air, land, and water. Where did they go? Away. They couldn’t go home. And so many went to, what I would call, a hell on earth in the Superdome. Trauma compounded trauma. The vast majority knew not where they were going and what waited ahead for them. Would they find safe shelter? Would they be able to link up with their family? Would they ever be able to go home? People were rescued from their flooded homes by boat and if they were lucky, they had a few possessions that they could carry. I remember vividly one young woman on the news who was rescued such as this, and they literally drove her to dry ground and dropped her off with her wheeled suitcase. She just turned, looked both ways, and started walking. I seriously doubt she had any idea where she was going. These people lost the safety, security, and warmth of home.

God is our safe place to run to! No matter where you are running to, He is there. In Attachment theory, “security is both seeking and finding comfort in the ones you love” (Clinton & Sibcy, p. 61). When we know that our “people” are trustworthy and supportive and that they are nearby and accessible, we gain a sense of security, optimism, and peace. At that point, you know you aren’t alone no matter what comes your way. Drawing near to God, knowing full well that He loves you (Ps. 139:14), cares for you (1 Pet. 5:7), gives you strength (Phil. 4:13, Is. 41:10), and is trustworthy (Jer. 31:1), makes God your safe place. He is a “strong tower” (Prov. 18:10) for the righteous to run to for safety. For the person who is securely attached to God, in addition to knowing all these things, they trust that God has a plan for them, that He is sovereign in that plan, and that “the suffering they’re enduring today is merely preparation for triumph tomorrow. They believe that God will ultimately redeem every apparent misstep for their benefit and His glory” (Clinton & Sibcy, p. 63).

Now, let’s get back to the wood mouse!

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Making God Tangible Blog Post

In His Hands

Published Aug. 1, 2012; Written July 28, 2012

I love it when a progression of things leads me to a new lesson learned. It’s when things line up in such a way that it can’t be coincidence. It has to be God teaching me.

David said in the Psalms that he meditates on God’s precepts all day (“Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.” Ps. 119:97). He didn’t have a copy of the scriptures to study; he had to have them in his mind. Meditating on scriptures does a couple of things. First, it keeps God as your focus throughout the day. Second, it sometimes brings revelation – or a new Ah-ha! For me, I will keep a verse or passage of scripture in mind and as I go through the day or week, I will find connections. This week, I focused on simply knowing God and His character.

This past week I’ve continued in our Bible study on hearing the voice of God. We were looking at how we should not only seek His voice but rather seek Him and then we are more aligned to hear His voice. I’ve heard this before but, this week, I saw it in action. I was talking to someone who struggles with anxiety and when our conversation turned toward learning something about God’s character and how He interacts with His people, she relaxed. Her trembling from anxiety melted away. Simply turning her focus to God himself was much more effective than praying for God to handle the situations or to relieve anxiety (that being said, I know fully well that God can do both of those things!). Often, those prayers only keep your focus on the stressful situation or anxiety.

So that is parts one and two of the progression. Part three is a new depth of understanding that says if I am to simply seek God, which means I will direct my attention away from the mire, then I am trusting God to handle that which I’ve just redirected from. I have to let go of it. These thoughts then reminded me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane struggling with God’s plan for him. The movie “The Passion” portrays this scene so well! Jesus was physically wrestling with it all. He didn’t want what was to come. He knew the path laid before him led to the cross. He came to the conclusion of “not as I will, but as you will” (Matt. 26:39). It is interesting to note that Jesus prayed that prayer three times. It wasn’t easy for him to come to that conclusion. It’s one of the places that I see the humanity of Jesus. In considering all this, I really understood, probably for the first time, that trusting God is bending my will to His.

Part four of the progression is understanding that I’m feeling like I’m in the garden, in the non-picturesque sense. Of course, I can’t compare to the magnitude of the scale of what was ahead of Jesus, but I can relate. I don’t know what is ahead for Kelsey and her medical treatment, but I know I don’t want to go through it. I just want it all to miraculously go away. But that’s really not the point, is it? God has laid out a path that is before us. That is not to say I think that God designed this illness to happen. Rather, I recognize that so far, He has determined we need to walk through it. The task, then, is to seek Him first, trusting that the rest of the crap will fall in place – in His hands.

Just now as I write this, I am reminded of what I have said so often to myself and to God during these last two years: “Into your hands, O Lord.”

His Presence is His Present

Published Feb. 18, 2014; Written Feb. 4, 2014

Today is a gift. That is something I have especially learned in the last 3 ½, well nearing on 4, years. Through Kelsey’s illness, it was sometimes so very difficult not to think about tomorrow. What would the future look like? Will she be better? Or worse? This was especially true before we got the Lyme disease diagnosis. Uncertainty loomed large.

Somehow, I, the one who likes to plan ahead and set my plans in stone, learned to live more in the moment and leave those uncertainties to God. This work started early in our marriage because Tim worked in network support. So many times, our plans changed due to last minute support calls. I think it is one of those times where God started working on me preparing me for the future. With Kelsey’s illness, there rarely seemed to ever be firm plans that weren’t in any way dependent on how she felt. In retrospect, I see that when I got mired in the uncertainties of the future is when I got depressed. But now I see an interesting irony. When I focused on the uncertainties of the future, I felt hopeless and lonely. However, now when I look back at the times when I felt stronger, it was often because I was letting God handle the uncertainties. It was then that I felt hope. I was hopeful because if there are uncertainties and I have given them to God then I know that He has plenty of room to work. Uncertainties provide possibilities.

So, I have learned to know what I have today. Of course, I am human and incredibly fallible, and I have had my moments of worry over the last month. Kelsey is struggling a bit more with fatigue and some other minor symptoms. Lyme disease doesn’t go away. It is something that will always be in Kelsey’s and our lives. And so, as we are actively planning college for her, we are having to keep in mind what she is capable of today and make no assumptions of it being any different in the future. It is part of accepting life as it is.

God promises us today. The future he promises is not tomorrow or the day after; rather it is eternal life with Him in heaven. Just as He provided manna and quail on a daily basis, He provides daily for me. I feast with joy in his daily provision. Because His loving presence is my strength and comfort and protection, I have hope in the uncertainties of life.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

~ ~ Ps. 28:7

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Chapter Summary and Reflection
Surrender requires complete truth and confession to God.
Surrender requires our participation with God.
There are three levels of surrender. Each of these levels have hallmark questions associated with it. These levels are not discrete, separate levels but rather they often flex and shift depending on situations and experience.

Surrender

I accept…

Hallmark Question

Level 1

Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior

Why?

Level 2

My identity in Christ

Who am I?

How? How do I go about this?

How do you want me to do this?

Level 3

Joy, contentment, and gratitude

What do you want from me, God?

What are you revealing about you, God?

How can this be used to glorify you, God?

Level 1 surrender results in motivation and inspiration to dive deeper both in your surrender and in your relationship with God.
Level 2 surrender frees you from the lies this world teaches you about you and opens the door to shifting focus from self to God.
Level 3 surrender results in joy, contentment, and gratitude and frees you from the trials and tribulations of this world dictating how you feel.
Attachment style is a result of your emotional connection to primary caregivers early in life. This can directly impact your current relationships and your ability to trust others and God.
Understanding and accepting your true self-worth is pivotal to Level 2 Surrender.
Take a few minutes to reflect on what lies you are believing about your self and your worth.
Ask God to reveal what you are not aware of in this area and ask Him to give you, show you, and fill you with His truth about you.
Take a few minutes to reflect on your level of surrender.
Are there times when you see a deeper level of surrender and other times when you struggle with it more?
What do you realize about any unredeemed parts of you?
Ask God what He wants to reveal to you about your level of surrender and the unredeemed parts of you. Then ask Him to gently guide you to a deeper level of surrender as you offer him your body, heart, and soul.
The physical act of expressing surrender is not complicated. Voice your surrender to God. Tell Him what you want to surrender. Then, tell God you will accept what His will is for you. For example, “God, I surrender my worry about my sick child to you. I accept Your will for her life knowing that you are all-powerful and all love.”
God, I surrender ___________________________. I accept _________________from You.

Chapter 3
The Character of God – The Feather

“When you can’t trace God’s hand, trust His heart.”

Charles H. Spurgeon

If you remember the wood mouse, as he ventured out further and further from his burrow, he needed landmarks to know his way back home to the safety, security, and the warmth of home. In the TV show, he first found a feather picked it up with his mouth and front feet and moved it to just the right spot and pointed it in just the right direction so that he could find home. Understanding and believing the character of God is crucial in your ability to trust God. It is the first landmark, the feather, in our path to a closer relationship with God through deeper trust.

Character is typically thought of as the moral and ethical qualities of a person. The character of a person includes their core beliefs and how the person will respond, especially in challenging situations. When you know someone’s character, you know that person well. You can reasonably predict what that person will do in a given situation. Character is reliable. Character is consistent over time and situations. Character can change but it is a change deep within the soul (mind, will and emotions) of a person. It is a more difficult change than a behavior change. Behavior reflects character.

In the Garden of Eden, God had instructed Adam that he could eat all he wanted of the Tree of Life and anything else in the garden, but he was not to eat the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And Adam was to tell Eve this too. In the Garden, Adam was instructed to do many things such as naming everything and tending to the Garden but there was only one rule to abide by: don’t eat of that one tree. God had given them absolutely everything for a heaven on earth existence and had only prohibited them from one thing. One thing. Then the serpent enters the scene, and the world changed forever. He caused Eve to doubt the character of God. Adam and Eve literally lived within the goodness of God in the Garden. They took walks and had conversations with Him. They lived from and in His provision. But the serpent convinced her that God isn’t fully good by implying that God is denying them the pleasure of full knowledge, “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3: 5). With that, Eve was convinced that God didn’t want her and Adam to be like Him. To understand this passage more fully, it is important to understand this “knowledge” isn’t just about discerning good and evil but rather it is about determining what is good and what is evil. Only God is the source of morality. If they had this knowledge, she could then rely solely on herself to determine right from wrong. The serpent also convinced Eve that God was not truthful when he said, “You will surely not die!” (Gen. 3:4). With these doubts, Eve’s eyes opened to her own desires. Her perspective shifted from God’s perspective to her own longings, from reliance on God to self-reliance, and from God’s plan to her own. She wanted to be her own god.

It is vital to know and believe the character of God in order to be able to trust Him. There will be times when it feels like something is not lining up with what you know of God’s character. For example, a common question is about suffering. How can a good and loving God tolerate suffering in this world? We have a choice to make in answering this question. Is God good and loving? Or, does He want, or even relish, in our suffering? We will examine the Why questions more in the Appendix but for now, we have to decide are we going to stand on what we believe and know about God’s character or are we going to fall on what we feel? We may not understand it but we do have irrefutable proof of God’s character.

It doesn’t take much to reveal your own doubts about God’s character. We all have weak areas where we give in to our own wants and desires, where we want to be our own gods. Take a moment right now and pray and ask God to reveal to you where Satan has opened your eyes to lies and wrong ways.

The character of God could easily be a book in itself. To reduce it to a chapter seems a daunting task. This is, by no means, an exhaustive list and explanation of God’s character. The fruit of the Spirit listed in Gal. 5:22-23 is a great starting point for a list of character traits of God. It makes sense that if we allow the Holy Spirit to work in our lives, the result will be the fruit of that work. We will have and show “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.” Given that the Holy Spirit is one of the Holy Trinity, then these fruit are also characteristics of God. This chapter will highlight some major components of His character drawing some from the list of the fruit and adding a few others: love, peace, good, patient, just, holy, faithfulness, and integrity.

God is Love

The characteristic of God that always comes to my mind first is love. He is all love. He is pure love. Love is the hallmark characteristic of Christians. There is an old song lyric that always goes through my head when I think about this: “and they’ll know we are Christians by our love.” It is based on the words of Jesus as recorded by John, “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). There are four types of love. Phileo love is the brotherly love, a love for your friends. It is compassionate. Philadelphia is known as the city of brotherly love because the root of the city name is Phileo. Eros love is erotic or romantic love. It is the love between boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife. It is also that deep, intimate, emotionally close love between two people. Agape love is the unconditional, selfless, sacrificial love of all people as children of God. We unconditionally love the spirit of a person (apart from their behavior) because we know that God loves him. The fourth and lesser-known type of love is storge love. This is the innate, instinctual love you have for family members, such as between parents and children. This love is often confusing for the person who has been abused by a family member because they have such hurt, anger, and even hatred for that person but then they also feel a love towards them because of storge love.

God exhibits all these loves for His people. The ultimate expression of agape love is the sacrifice of Jesus so that we can be saved. Phileo love is expressed through His constant presence and companionship. Eros love is displayed through His passionate pursuit of a deep and intimate relationship with us. Storge love is the fatherly (and motherly!) love for His children.

As you read this next passage, look how many times the word “love” is used. If repetition of a word is indicative of its importance, then “love” is hugely important. In brackets [ ], I have added the types of love when they are referenced.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves [Storge] is born of God and know God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love [Phileo] of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved [Agape] us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved [Agape] us, we also ought to love [Agape] one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world.

Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love [Eros] which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love [Eros] abides in God and God abides in him. By this, love [Agape] is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us (1 John 4:7-19).

I counted 22 “love’s” in these twelve verses and that isn’t including the two times John called his readers “Beloved.” If God is all love, then how does He feel about you? He loves you! If God is all love, then what does He want for you? He wants to bless you! If God is all love, then how are we to be towards each other? Believers are to love one another because “love is from God” (v. 7). God sent His Son, Jesus, to Earth to live as a man, to endure all temptations and suffering of man, and then to sacrifice His life so that we might be saved. That is the ultimate proof of God’s love.

As part of His great design, God built into each man and each woman certain desires, and needs. For men, one of those desires that He built into men is the desire to provide and protect. It is deep within the man to do this. As a counselor, when I see a man without this desire, it’s an indication that there is something broken within him. He is out of touch with that part of him that God so keenly designed. I believe that God designed this into men as a way to show their love. Men care for others through their provision and protection. We have to be careful when thinking about this to not discount the other ways that we care and show our love for people. Like all legitimate desires that God wired into us by design, they can be twisted and distorted. For men, this can look like men only providing for their family financially, but not emotionally or spiritually. As I mentioned before God wired many desires and needs within us.

For women, God designed for them to have a desire to care and nurture others. Again, as a counselor when I see a woman with absolutely no mothering instinct, I wonder if there is something broken within her. That’s not to say that all women have to be mothers. I simply mean that when a woman is absent of that desire to care and nurture for others whether it be their own children or anyone else, it’s an indication of brokenness. For women, when this desire is twisted and distorted, it can look like a woman who does everything for someone else in order to earn their love.

Because we are made in the image of God, these desires that He put into each man and woman are therefore present in Him. He has a great desire to provide for you and protect you. He has a great desire to care and nurture for you.

Additionally, if you believe that God is love, that the root of His character is love, then you must also believe that God has goodwill for you. He wants to bless you. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to live life abundantly. He doesn’t relish when you are struggling or hurting. He hurts in those times too. He loves you. He has goodwill for you.

God is Peace

This characteristic is more complicated than you would initially think. It’s complicated because we confuse the feeling of peace with the peace of God. Peace is the removal of a barrier between two people or groups of people. In war, peace is achieved by removing the hostilities between the waring nations. Let’s look at Eph. 2:13-16:

But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For He Himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, by abolishing in His flesh the enmity, which is the Law of commandments contained in ordinances, so that in Himself He might make the two into one new man, thus establishing peace, and might reconcile them both in one body to God through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity.

“He Himself is our peace” because Jesus Christ removed the barrier which is sin that was between me and God. In doing so, we become one with Him. He is not giving us peace, He IS peace!

Peace is the presence of God. Because the barrier is removed, we are in His presence. Because Jesus is our “great high priest who has passed through the heavens” (Heb. 4:14), we can “draw near with confidence to the throne of grace” (Heb. 4:16). We can be in God’s presence because of Jesus.

Peace Is More Than a Feeling

We often confuse peace with a feeling of calm or resolve. It is one piece of information, but we need more to be truly discerning of God’s will. If used as the only piece of information, it can lead you astray. Because of the biological nature of feelings, there is always a bodily response or activation with feelings. A lack of peace, then, is confused with being uncomfortable. People don’t like to be uncomfortable, so it is dismissed by saying they don’t have peace. The verse often quoted for this is Phil. 4:7, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Sometimes that peace is a feeling. It is a calmness of spirit that makes little sense in the midst of stress and trials. This peace is part of the contentment of Level 3 Surrender. The confusion comes when we make decisions based only on whether or not we have this calm feeling. I’m sure we have all heard someone say, “I just don’t have a peace about this.” They make a decision based only on this one piece of information. It isn’t a solid base for making a decision. That doesn’t mean we discount it completely, but we must understand that more confirmation is needed.

Priscilla Shirer wrote an excellent book, “Discerning the Voice of God,” in which she explains a five-step model to discern if you are correctly hearing from God. She makes the point that we need multiple confirmations to confirm we are hearing correctly. She uses the analogy of landing a plane to illustrate the point. A big 747 airplane can land with just one light on the landing strip. But, how much better would it be to have many points of light along each side of the runway guiding exactly where it should go? Basing a decision only on the feeling of peace is like landing the plane with just one runway light.

Because God’s nature is peace, it is His fruit and sometimes that comes with a price of discomfort. Peace is a knowing. It is knowing deep within you. It is “knowing in your knower.” We can’t know peace without knowing the Prince of Peace who often requires discomfort. He himself went through the worst of pain and torture but still had peace. We often use calm or stillness synonymously with the feeling of peace. But the peace that is listed as part of the fruit of the Spirit in Gal. 5:22-23 isn’t just a feeling. Calm is not listed as a fruit either. Peace comes through a process of cultivation that is only the result of the Holy Gardener. It is the assurance that comes with being in the will of God.

I am sure that Jesus didn’t feel peace in the Garden of Gethsemane. With the twelve disciples, he had just celebrated the Passover with a feast, he instituted the Lord’s Supper, he called out Judas for his betrayal, predicted that the twelve would scatter and fall away after his death, told Peter that he would deny Him three times that night, and then told them where He would meet them after He was resurrected. That is quite the night! But He wasn’t done yet! He then took the disciples to the Garden, and he said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me” (Matt. 26:38). I can’t imagine that Jesus felt the peaceful feeling when he was done praying. Three times he pleaded with God to change the events that were coming. He knew He would experience the worst of tortures (the Romans were masters of torture!) and He didn’t feel calm and peaceful about it. He did, however, surrender in His prayer saying, “Not as I will, but as You will” (Matt. 26:39) and “if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, your will be done” (Matt. 26:42). He experienced God’s peace after praying because: 1) he had entered the presence of God through prayer; 2) he had resolved his inner conflict by aligning His will with God’s; and 3) He had a calm resolve to what was about to happen to Him.

So, when we look at peace as a character trait of God, you can see that it overlays the three levels of surrender discussed in Chapter 2. In Level 1, with accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, the wages of your sin are removed. That was the barrier between you and God; and Jesus’s blood on the cross covered that debt. Remember, Eph. 2:14 said that Jesus “is our peace” by breaking down “the barrier of the dividing wall.”

In Level 2 surrender, the question of “Who am I?” is answered once and for all time. In this level, you accept that your identity is based on Christ alone. This resolves the internal conflict of self-worth being based on your performance and/or other’s opinions. Truly accepting your identity in Christ creates peace within you because now your self-worth, your identity, is rock-solid having been built on Christ the cornerstone.

In Level 3 surrender, you accept that trials and hardships are a part of life and yet you can still rejoice in the day (Ps. 118:24). This is the “peace that surpasses all comprehension” (Phil. 4:7) because without God, it makes no sense to be joyful or content in the midst of difficult times. And, even with God, it is difficult to understand the peace that can occur at those times. This peace comes when there is no longer conflict between your will and God’s will because you have fully surrendered your will and accepted God’s will for your life. Your will is aligned with God’s.

Surrender

I accept…

Hallmark Question

Peace

Level 1

Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior

Why?

Peace is the removal of the barrier between me and God. Jesus Christ, himself, is my peace.

Level 2

My identity in Christ

Who am I?

How? How do I go about this?

How do you want me to do this?

Peace is the resolution of the internal conflict of who the world says you are and who God says you are.

Level 3

Joy, contentment, and gratitude

What do you want from me, God?

What are you revealing about you, God?

How can this be used to glorify you, God?

Peace that surpasses all understanding. My will is surrendered to God’s will.

God is Good

I think most have heard the old saying, “God is good all the time.” In fact, often times it is said as a responsive statement. If you say, “God is good all the time.” The other person will say, “All the time, God is good!” There is no bad, no evil in Him. Oxford Languages defines good as “that which is morally right; righteousness.” This characteristic speaks to His goodwill towards you and me. If God is all good, then He can only desire good for His people.

As Jesus was walking from Perea to Jerusalem, a rich man came up to him and asked, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus answered, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone” (Mark 10:17-18). He went on to answer the rest of his question but what I want you to focus on right now is Jesus’s primary answer: “No one is good except God alone.” Only God is righteous all by Himself. We are made righteous through the blood of Jesus, but we cannot attain righteousness on our own. When we look at this passage in the context of Jesus’s journey to Jerusalem it is even more significant. He is about to receive a King’s welcome in Jerusalem where the people are shouting, “Hosana! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord, Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David; Hosanna in the highest!” (Mark 11:9-10). But he is also going to be prosecuted and executed as a criminal (Mark 15). This is an incredibly hard journey for it has such emotional highs and lows. Jesus knows what is coming. He has no doubt. He has already wrestled with it in the Garden of Gethsemane. He knows, even as He is telling the rich man that only God is good, that He is walking towards the most horrific death the Romans, the masters of torture, could conjure up. He knew what lied ahead and still He called out the goodness of God.

James wrote that “every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above” (James 1:17) which points directly to the goodness of God. He is the source of all goodness. Evil cannot produce good. Only good can produce good. An apple tree can only produce apples. A watermelon vine can only produce watermelon. Satan cannot produce anything that is good. That would be like an apple tree producing oranges!

Ps. 27:13-14 says, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the Living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” The word “wait” in this scripture is “qavah” in Hebrew meaning “to wait; to hope; to expect.” It isn’t a passive waiting. It is expecting something to happen. It is an active time of waiting by “binding together” or entwining with the Lord while you are patiently trusting that He will show His goodness, or any of His other traits. We will see God’s goodness when we expectantly wait and draw near to Him.

God is Patient

There is some discussion to whether God is actually patient in the sense that He is waiting patiently for some thing or circumstance. If God is all-knowing, or omniscient, then He already knows when that something or circumstance will happen. So, God is not necessarily patient in this sense. When the Bible speaks of God’s patience, it is more of being patient towards people. He is patient in waiting for people to make their choice. He is patient in the sense of “longsuffering.”

The book of Hosea is a book of prophecy told through poetry. The symbolism of God as the pursuing, forgiving, merciful husband and Gomer as the prostituting and idolatrous wife is rich and powerful. God knows that Israel will fall away in the Promised Land. He also professes His undying love for His people, “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20 NLT). The phrase “know me as the Lord” is not simply knowing facts about God. Rather, it is an intimate and relational knowledge of God. This “knowing” then takes the second step of allowing Him to be your Lord. You accept His leadership. He so desires you and me that He professes His love of us and waits until we “finally know” Him. It is only with this deep knowing of God that our hearts and lives are changed and we more completely reflect the image of God.

God doesn’t save Israel from their consequences. He allows them to happen because He knows that is a growth time for Israel. He knows Israel will pledge its devotion to other nations and gods. But He always makes a way for repentance and restoration. Out of love, patience, compassion, and mercy, God waits for Israel. But it isn’t a passive waiting. Just as the father in the parable of the prodigal son saw and recognized his son from a far way off “and felt compassion for him and ran and embraced him and kissed him” (Luke15:20), God is doing the same with Israel. Just as the father in the parable was waiting expectantly for his son’s return, God is doing the same with Israel, and you and me.

Because we are created with free will and because God will not violate our free will, He chooses to be patient with us while we make the choice to surrender our will to His. In his second letter, Peter is cautioning the people to not be fooled by the false teachers of the day who were taunting Christians saying, “Where is the promise of His coming? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all continues just as it was from the beginning of creation” (2 Peter 3:4). Peter reminds the people that God can’t be late on a promise because He is not bound by earthly time, “with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day” (2 Peter 3:8). God lives in His time, not ours. So, He is not slow in His promise keeping, He is longsuffering in order to give everyone time to make the choice to come to Him. He wants all people to come to Him for repentance and salvation (2 Pet. 3:9).

But even God’s longsuffering has its limits. It is possible for man to abuse the patience of God. In Exodus 34, the Israelites are in the wilderness after leaving captivity and slavery in Egypt. Moses, who has personal one-on-one conversations with God, much like Adam did, is leading the Israelites on their journey. At one point, God called Moses up Mount Sinai where God gave Moses “two tablets of the testimony, tablets of stone, written by the finger of God” (Ex. 31:18). But Moses had been on the mountain for 40 days and nights and the people got impatient and probably a little scared that their leader had been gone for so long. To them, Moses was “next to God” and without him, they floundered. They needed something tangible in front of them to represent God and to worship. They broke the second of the ten commandments: “You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth” (Ex. 20:4). The Israelites made a golden calf and then they worshipped it and made sacrifices to it. In just 40 days, the Israelites folded like a cheap deck of cards.

God’s anger burned against them in this situation, and He initially said He would destroy them all but Moses intervened and pleaded for mercy. God chose longsuffering instead of quick (and righteous!) anger. But He calls them “an obstinate people” (Ex. 32:9). Other versions of the Bible use the phrase “stiff-necked people” which is a reference to an ox who is stubborn and difficult to guide. With this phrase, I can’t help but think of those times I’ve gotten a crick in my neck, and I could look side-to-side without much problem, but looking up was very painful! Because of that I worked really hard not to look up. When you are in difficult times, too often it is easier in the moment to look side to side to see what you can do for yourself or to see how other people could help you. In those times, looking up feels harder because you have to surrender your control and will to God. You have to open your hands, release your grasp on whatever it is you are trying to control in order to give it to God.

The Israelites went straight for managing their fear and anxiety on their own. With their stiff necks, they looked side-to-side instead of up. Much like the obstinate oxen, they refused the guidance offered them. This is just one situation of many when the Israelites held to this pattern. Yet God remained with them and for them!

God is Just

As usual, let’s first look at a definition of the word just. Dictionary.com defines just as “guided by truth, reason, justice, and fairness.” Synonyms are impartial and equitable. People tend to think of God’s character trait of just as only fairness. Don’t get me wrong, here. God is absolutely fair and equitable. He has no bias towards His people. In the movie and book, “The Shack,” one of my favorite quotes is by Papa (God). Whenever He was reminded of someone, He would say, “I am especially fond of him.” He says that about everyone, about you and me. When it comes to justice, God is fair and impartial. He lets people have the consequences to their choices.

Let’s look at a Biblical example. Moses was 120 years old when God told him he was about to die. So, God sets a succession plan in place of Joshua, Moses’ brother, taking over as leader of the Israelites as they cross the river Jordan into Canaan to possess the land they had been promised for generations. God also told Moses that the people of Israel would rebel in the land of flowing milk and honey and that when “they have eaten and are satisfied and become prosperous, then they will turn to other gods and serve them, and spurn Me and break My covenant” (Deut. 31:20). God told Moses that He would let them have their choice; that He would hide His face from them when they are consumed by evil and troubles. But He also said He would provide a way out for them. So, God instructed Moses to write a song to remind them all that He has done and who He is. God wanted the song to “testify before them as a witness” (Deut 31:21). Listen how Moses described God in the song: “The Rock! His work is perfect, for all His ways are just; a God of faithfulness and without injustice, Righteous and upright is He” (Deut. 32:4). All His ways are just!

These two chapters of Deut. 31 and 32 are so powerful when thinking in the context of God’s just character. He is so just that He has led a nation of stiff-necked people through the wilderness for 40 years and still brought them to the Promised Land, a land of prosperity in every way. He is so just that He knows, on the eve of their entrance into this land, that they will rebel in the days to come. He knows that once they are physically satisfied, they will turn their backs on God and “will arise and play the harlot with the strange gods of the land, into the midst of which they are going, and will forsake Me and break My covenant which I have made with them” (Deut. 31:16). He will give them over to their choices for a while, but He will also provide a reminder, a witness of God’s character, for them of a way back. God knows full well that the Israelites are a people with a short-term memory problem, so He gives them a reminder! He doesn’t just turn His back forever on His people. He allows them the free will to make their choices and have their consequences. He so desires His people though, even though they prostitute themselves to other gods, that He leaves them a reminder of the One and True God.

If we looked at the character trait just purely as a fairness trait, then it is completely fair that the Israelites (and you and me!) get exactly what we deserve in our rebellion. But if we stop there in our definition, we miss an important facet of this trait. Most people think of justice as getting what you have earned or deserve. However, when we look at the Hebrew word that is translated as just, then the meaning is much wider and deeper. This word, mishpat, occurs over 200 times in the Old Testament and it refers not only to the right or equitable punishment for wrongs but also giving people their rights they are due simply for being humans made in the image of God. It means giving people what they are due not just in punishment but also in care and protection.

Timothy Keller, in his book “Generous Justice,” said, “We do justice when we give all human beings their due as creations of God. Doing justice includes not only the righting of wrongs, but generosity and social concern, especially toward the poor and vulnerable. This kind of life reflects the character of God. It consists of a broad range of activities, from simple fair and honest dealings with people in daily life, to regular, radically generous giving of your time and resources, to activism that seeks to end particular forms of injustice, violence, and oppression” (p. 18). God is just both in His punishment and judgment and in His nurturing and protection.

With this in mind, now let’s look at Micah 6:8 which says, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” The part that says “to do justice” never made much sense to me because, first, the grammar doesn’t seem right (how do you “do justice?”); and second, God is the only judge. But when you now put it in the context of giving people their rightful due whether it be punishment or reward, it makes so much more sense to me!

We often confuse God’s justice with mercy and grace. Justice is getting what you deserve whether it be a punishment or reward, but mercy is not getting what we deserve. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve. Let me illustrate with a story. A father takes his son to the store, and the son asks for a pack of gum. The father refuses to buy the gum for his son. The son decided to take matters into his own hands, and he slipped a pack of gum into his pants pocket when no one was looking. When they got home, the father found the gum and confronted his son who admitted to stealing it. The father took his son back to the store and had him admit to the store owner what he had done. That is justice. The store owner declined to give the son punishment and simply accepted the apology and returned gum. That is mercy. While the son was confessing, the father surreptitiously bought another pack of gum and when they left the store and got in the car, the father gave it to his son. That is grace.

Justice is given equally to all, but mercy and grace are within God’s discretion. For example, when my daughter was pregnant, she really struggled with morning sickness. One day she was so sick at work that they sent her home. She had a 45-minute drive home and she was driving fast to get home before the next bout of vomiting. A police officer happened to catch her exceeding the speed limit and pulled her over. As soon as she stopped the car, she dashed out of the car and puked on the side of the highway. That police officer was well within his legal right to issue her a speeding ticket. Justice would have been served with an issued ticket. But he had mercy on her and understood her position (namely bent over and holding her hair back while puking!) and did not give her a ticket. That is mercy. Had he given her a police escort home, that would have been grace! But not everyone gets this same mercy. I have certainly received speeding tickets by police officers who gave me no mercy.

Paul, in his letter to the Romans, makes the point that how God shows His mercy is His choice alone, “For He says to Moses, ‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.’ So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy” (Rom. 9:15-16). R.C. Sproul made the point that “mercy is always voluntary with God. He is never obligated to be merciful” (p. 53). When we think that God is being unfair because He gives mercy to one and not all, or when He heals one but not all, we are confusing justice with mercy. Sproul continues by making the point that throughout Scripture God “does not treat everyone equally…He graciously appeared to Paul in a way He did not appear to Judas Iscariot. Paul received grace from God; Judas Iscariot received justice. Mercy and grace are forms of nonjustice, but they are not acts of injustice…If grace is required from God, if God is obligated to be gracious, then we are no longer speaking of grace, but of justice” (p. 54).

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a topic related to God’s justice. Remember, justice is about giving people what is rightfully due them. It is not necessarily about punishment or reward. Because God is just, we can trust that he is fair in His judgment. Only God can truly judge the heart of a person. Paul explained it this way,

But to me it is a very small thing that I may be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted; But the one who examines me is the Lord. Therefore, do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God (1 Cor. 4:3-5).

Because I believe this, I can forgive more easily. Additionally, God very clearly says, “Vengeance is mine” (Rom. 12:19, Deut. 32:35). Because I trust God’s word and His just nature, I can release my desire for revenge, my desire to exact my own judgment, and give it to God, the perfect Judge. But let’s take a few moments to look further at forgiveness, what it is, what it isn’t, and how to go about it.

Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things you have to do in this lifetime. It was undoubtedly one of the hardest things for me. Listen to the words of Jesus, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matt. 6:14-15). This verse is one of the reasons that I left God for about ten years. There were other reasons, too, but this was certainly among them. At the time, I thought how could God possibly expect me to forgive the unforgivable? And, because I am not able to do the impossible, now He condemns me—He cannot forgive me! How could God fault me for not being able to do the impossible?

For about ten years of my childhood, I was sexually abused by my grandfather. Nobody knew about it—except my grandmother. It left me with so many open wounds, so much baggage: shame, guilt, anger, depression, hopelessness, and rage. All of this because of one sick person (to me, he was always just a sick bastard) and one very weak person.

For me, it was much more difficult to deal with the weak person. It was not at her hands that I suffered the abuse. But it was her weakness that let it continue. In her weakness, she could not, or did not, protect me. That is why forgiving her was the hardest and most soul-wrenching thing I have ever had to do. I had to do it. I had to for my healing. And, I had to in order to be right with God. I had to learn to do the impossible.

Forgiveness: What It Is and Isn’t

I envision the process of forgiveness as a circle with steps along the way. Coming full circle would mean that forgiveness was given and received and a relationship is renewed, and sometimes even strengthened. The circle does not have to be completed for forgiveness to do its work. A renewed relationship is not required. If a renewed relationship with the offender (whoever hurt you) is not spiritually or emotionally healthy for the one forgiving, then the circle does not have to be completed. In fact, there are times when it is simply unwise and too dangerous to renew a relationship with your offender. I forgave my grandfather, but it would have never been safe to have a relationship with him.

There are a lot of questions about forgiveness. What if forgiveness is not received? What if the other person does not want or feel the need to be forgiven? What if the other person is no longer alive? Forgiveness still needs to be given. Forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving – not for the one being forgiven. Jesus did not put conditions or exceptions on his command. He simply said, “forgive others” (Matt. 6:15).

To forgive means to release the resentment and bitterness. You release your right for revenge. You release the burden that binds your heart and soul. You release it to God. Knowing that I am releasing the burden to God and not just releasing it into the ether (in the secular sense), is incredibly important. Otherwise, it feels like I am letting that person off the hook with no consequences. Sometimes people refuse to forgive because it is their form of punishment. “I’ll never let you live it down!” “I’ll hate you for the rest of my life!” If you remain angry and resentful, then you can keep the illusion of control. But you have no control over how someone else feels. Your bitterness and resentment may not be affecting the offender at all! Plus, God’s punishment is far worse than anything I or anyone else can dream of or inflict. The writer of Hebrews said, “For we know Him who said, again, ‘The Lord will judge His people.’ It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Heb. 10:30-31).

Forgiveness is not, in any way, condoning what happened. It is not, in any way, saying, “You hurt me and that is OK.” Forgiveness is not even letting the offender off the hook. Rather, you are transferring them to God’s hook. You are giving it to God in acknowledgment that you are an imperfect judge, and He is THE perfect judge. This is where surrender becomes involved. When you give the offender over to God, when you give your hurt to God, you are surrendering to God. You are relinquishing your pain, your control, and your desire for revenge to God who is far more capable of handling all of that than you are!

Unforgiveness is a burden so heavy that it keeps you from fully reaching to God. Unforgiveness disguises itself as strength because anger and resentment feel powerful. Unforgiveness is a wall that is erected in the hopes of never being hurt again. But, within that wall are unhealed wounds, loneliness, and a guardedness that robs you of close relationships.

Forgiveness is an active choice. It is not a passive event that just happens to you. You make the choice, and the choice requires you to do something. The first step is, indeed, the choice to step onto the path of healing. You decide that it is time to let the offense go and relegate it to the past where it rightfully belongs. You decide that the burden you carry is too heavy or just not worth the effort anymore. Or you do it out of obedience because that is what God calls you to do.

Two is Better than One

As with all walks in life, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual, it is important to have at least one companion who can listen to you, with whom you can reveal your innermost feelings, and who can provide solid, sound, and Biblical guidance. I was lucky enough to have a few people willing to take the walk with me: people who would love me no matter what, people who could teach me about forgiveness, and people who would just sit and listen or hold me when I cried. While the task of forgiveness can be done alone, I am not sure that I could have done it without support. Please do not misunderstand and think that I am discounting the ever-loving and all-knowing presence of God. Not at all. Indeed, God realizes the importance of Christian support as evidenced by His urging us to not “give up meeting together” and to “encourage one another” (Heb. 10:25). Also, Jesus, when dispatching the disciples to spread the gospel, sent them in pairs knowing that they needed the support that each would give. In fact, I know that the people in my life that supported me through my “biggies” in forgiveness, were acting on God’s behalf; they were “God with skin in.”

On my path, I had recognized that I needed to forgive my grandmother, not so much for her sake, but for my own. I knew that, in trying to punish her with my unforgiveness, I was only punishing myself more. And I truly understood that her judgment was not my task but God’s and that only God could truly judge her heart. God is just!

Opening Your Heart

Prayer is another step on the path to healing. Pray for yourself. Pray for the strength and endurance to complete the walk. Pray for the wisdom necessary to handle the struggles and the obstacles that will surely come your way. Pray for God to open your heart to true forgiveness. Then, pray for the one you need to forgive. Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, preached, “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:44). At first, it may well feel like a forced prayer spoken begrudgingly. But, as you continue praying, your heart will begin to soften. By sincerely praying for someone, you are asking for God’s blessing on them. It is contradictory (cognitive dissonance, even) to pray for someone and still wish them harm.

Another vital step in forgiveness is developing compassionate eyes or, as I call them, Jesus’ eyes. The inherent and implied attitude in unforgiveness is judgmentalism. In condemning others, it is easy to forget that I am a sinner too. When we judge others, we are essentially comparing our own sins to theirs. I don’t want to stack my sins up against anyone else’s.

The step from prayer to the actual moment of forgiveness is difficult to describe. Sometimes, the final step is a result of time, distance, and prayer allowing a slow release of the burden. Sometimes, that moment of forgiveness comes in a flood of emotion as you feel the release of the burden. Either way, God’s grace invited through unceasing prayer is the catalyst in the final step.

It is necessary at this point, after making the choice to forgive, spending time in prayer, and consciously battling judgmentalism, to remember that Satan sees you moving on the right path. That is always his cue to get busy. He will put obstacles and temptations in your way. Things that were once easy may now suddenly become difficult. Negative thoughts in your head may become more insistent and pervasive in your daily life. He may spawn a spirit of doubt that will have you think that this task is too big or too painful to accomplish. I am always mindful of what happened just after Jesus was baptized and God spoke those incredible words, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased” (Matt. 3:17). Right after that is when Jesus went into the desert and was tempted by Satan. If it happened to Jesus, it could and most likely will happen to us.

I am a visually minded person so when I forgive, I envision the cross and I put the offense in a box and lay it at the foot of the cross. It is not mine to carry. It is not mine to judge. Knowing and trusting that God is a just judge makes this part of forgiveness easier. Sometimes, when I forgive someone, I may still go over and pick up that box again but then I remember that it isn’t for me to carry. In fact, I don’t want to carry it, so I envision the cross again and place that box where it rightfully belongs. This is part of the process of forgiveness.

Although I have laid out some steps that are common to most who walk the path to forgiveness, the path is still unique to each individual. There are different times, different places, different reasons, different prayers, and different struggles for everyone. Sometimes forgiveness comes in a slow growth to where one day you realize the burden is just a bit lighter than the day before. Sometimes it comes easily. Sometimes it is a long, arduous process culminating at a soul-moving moment.

The End of the Walk

It had been a year or more since I decided to forgive my grandmother. The burden was too heavy and the wounds far too old. It was time. I stepped onto the path. I prayed for God to open my heart. I prayed for the strength to do it. And I prayed for my grandmother. I began to see her weakness with some compassion. It was hard. For so many years, my anger and resentment bolstered my strength. Letting it go made me feel weak. I reminded myself often of Paul’s words in 2 Cor. 12:9-10, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It was at my grandmother’s funeral that I completed my path. For the observer, it would have appeared that I was overcome with grief. Instead, I had realized how strong I was through forgiveness. That day, anger and resentment were replaced with the love of Christ, and I never felt stronger. It was overwhelming. The relief I felt from releasing the burden was so great that I even felt regret for not forgiving her sooner. I had wasted so much energy dragging that burden throughout my life.

For me, the foundational ability of forgiving is based in the trust I have in God’s justice. If I don’t believe that God will justly handle the person I am forgiving, I couldn’t possibly forgive. Surrendering the offense and the hurt to God is freeing in every sense of the word. Surrender is the action. Peace is the result.

God is Holy

Moses saw a burning bush on Mt. Horeb and was intrigued because it was not consumed by the fire. When Moses looked at the fire, God said, “Do not come near here; remove your sandals from your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground” (Ex. 3:5). God is Holy. He is set apart, sacred, and worthy of our complete devotion and worship. God sets Himself apart in the first of the Ten Commandments, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:2-3). God alone has the power and the desire to bring you out of your bondage to sin. Therefore, He alone is worthy of your worship and devotion. This sets Him apart, makes Him holy and sacred, above all else.

This characteristic of holiness is also an evidence of God. There are two ways that God reveals Himself to us. The first is immediate revelation. This occurs when He talks to you through His word or through the Holy Spirit. It also occurs when He directly communicates with you through dreams, visions, or actual appearances. It is direct knowledge or insight about God. Miracles are immediate revelations. Paul talks about this in Rom. 2:14-15 when he says that “the Gentiles who do not have the Law do instinctively the things of the Law, these, not having the Law, are a law to themselves, in that they show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts alternately accusing or else defending them.” He is saying God has written directly on their hearts and conscience the Law and the evidence of that fact is their instinctive obedience to it. In the same way, all of humanity worships something. If it isn’t God, then we find a poor substitute: money, fame, food, substances, power, pleasure, control, and the list goes on and on. Only a God so worthy of our complete devotion and worship could write that desire in our hearts. Only a God so holy could rightfully ask for your worship through that desire. He is Himself set apart, sacred, and holy so it is only right to be worshipped as such.

Mediate revelation is the second way that God reveals Himself to us. In this communication, He relies on intermediaries to reveal Himself. God’s Word, all of creation, and other people are examples of mediate revelation. God is constantly revealing Himself to us through His creation. No matter how you look at this world and the human body you have to see the design that is inherent in it. The more science learns of nature and of the human body, the more it is evident that there is a design. And where there is design, there is a designer. With creation, there is a Creator. But God is not just “a designer” or “a creator.” The phrase “a designer” or “a creator” is different from “the designer” and “the creator.” The word “the” denotes just one. God is the Designer. God is the Creator. That makes God holy!

God’s Integrity and Faithfulness

There are two words that are similar but also distinctly different and it is important to distinguish between the two before we go into them in depth. Integrity and faithfulness need to be fully understood first. Integrity is, according to Merriam-Webster, a “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values; an unimpaired condition; the quality or state of being complete or undivided.” Incorruptibility, soundness, and completeness are synonyms of integrity. In reference to God’s integrity, it means that He is perfect, righteous, and always consistent with His own values and principles. Faithfulness, on the other hand, is defined as “steadfast in affection or allegiance; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty; given with strong assurance” (Merriam-Webster). Loyal, conscientious, and binding are good synonyms of faithfulness. Another way to look at it is that integrity is being true to yourself and your morals and values, but faithfulness is being true to others or to promises made. God’s faithfulness and integrity then is His unwavering commitment, dedication, and devotion to His people and promises. When our integrity is solid, our faithfulness follows. But the reverse is not true, integrity does not necessarily follow faithfulness. If our motives are skewed, we can still exhibit faithfulness but rather than faithfulness flowing from integrity, it is flowing from insecurity. For example, someone can be faithful in marriage not because they are following their moral values but because they struggle with codependence. Let’s dive deeper into this.

God Keeps His Word

Integrity is that quality that says, “I’m going to do what I say I’m going to do.” Integrity is keeping your word. It expresses your commitment to honesty and honor. Faithfulness is also involved with keeping your word as it is keeping your promise and being loyal.

Personally, when I think of integrity I remember back to the days when I was in my first career as an engineering design/drafter. I worked for a civil engineering firm that did a lot with piping systems. When pipes are assembled with all the parts, fittings, and valves, they test the integrity of the system by capping the ends and putting a pressure gauge on the pipe. They then fill the pipe with air, put it under pressure and watch to see if it holds the pressure. If it leaks air, the fittings are not installed correctly. If the pipes remain under pressure with no fluctuations in pressure readings, then the pipe has integrity. It is doing exactly as it is supposed to do.

People are the same way. If you hold to your word, if you do what you say you are going to do, then you have integrity. Your morals and values motivate your integrity. When you keep a promise, it reflects your integrity because you have demonstrated your morals and values. But you also demonstrate your faithfulness because you have kept your promise to someone else. In James 5:12, James is exhorting the people to not swear. He didn’t mean that as “don’t cuss.” He was saying not to say things like, “I swear on my mother’s grave…” He continues on to say, “but your yes is to be a yes, and your no, no.” If you are a person of integrity, there is no need to swear on anything because your yes is a yes and your no is a no. People can count on that. God always does what He says He is going to do. His yes is a yes, and His no is a no.

Jeremiah, the prophet who wrote 1 Kings, talked about God’s faithfulness and integrity, “Blessed be the Lord, who has given rest to His people Israel, according to all that He promised; not one word has failed of all His good promise, which He promised through Moses His servant” (1 Kings 8:56). Not one word has failed. What would it be like to have someone in your life that you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you could trust that whatever this person said would be done? You never had to wonder, “Is this person really going to carry through with what they said?” It is hard to even imagine because that can only exist within God. Humans are fallible; we sin, even despite our best intentions.

Deut. 7:9 describes God’s faithfulness and integrity, “Know therefore that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments.” God keeping His own covenant is an example of His integrity and His unwavering love (or “lovingkindness”) is an example of His faithfulness.

Faithfulness

As I mentioned earlier, God’s holiness is on glorious display through mediate and immediate revelation. To refresh your memory, mediate revelation is when you see God through people and things. For example, if you look at the human body and the amazing systems that all work in concert with each other, it is obvious there has to be a designer. The amazing design of our bodies speaks of a designer. You can’t have a design without a Designer. You can’t have creation without a Creator. Another example of mediate revelation is when God uses people to bless you or show you that He sees you and knows you. Immediate revelation is God revealing Himself directly to you. God appearing as a burning bush and speaking to Moses is immediate revelation. God appearing as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night guiding the Hebrews through the wilderness for forty years is immediate revelation. He also uses these revelations to show us his faithfulness. God is faithful. He will never leave you nor forsake you.

“The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness” (Lam. 3:22-23).

The very name Emmanuel means “God with us.” This name is used three times in the Bible, twice in the book of Isaiah and once in Matthew when it is referencing the prophecy in Isaiah. The prophet said, “Behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, and she will call His name Immanuel (or Emmanuel)” (Is. 7:14). God sent His Son to be flesh among His people. God became man to be with us and to be the atonement for our sins.

Abraham fully trusted God’s faithfulness when, at God’s instruction, he took Isaac to the altar on the mountain to be sacrificed. He knew the promise that God made him of his descendants being so numerous like the stars of the heavens (Gen. 15:5). I’m sure Abraham didn’t quite know how God was going to work out His promise of Isaac’s descendants with the command of sacrificing Isaac before he was even married. But he trusted the faithfulness of God to do what He had promised. Abraham had conflicting information. God made him the promise but then said sacrifice (or kill!) your son! How do you reconcile that?! The writer of Hebrews said that Abraham “considered that God is able to raise people even from the dead” (Heb. 11:19). He believed resurrection was possible 2,000 years before resurrection was ever performed! He knew somehow God would find a way to keep His promise and His faithfulness. Isaac wasn’t so clear on what was happening. He knew he was carrying the wood that would be used for a sacrifice, but he didn’t know what the full plan was – that he was to be the sacrifice. He asked Abraham, his father, on the hike up the mountain, “We have the wood and the fire for the offering but where is the lamb?” Abraham simply replied, “God will provide the lamb for the offering” (Gen. 22). Abraham didn’t know how God would make it all right, but he knew God would because God always carries through on His promises. And, indeed, He did by providing a ram who was caught in the brush (Gen. 22:13).

Listen to the promises in the following passage:

Every place on which the sole of your foot treads, I have given it to you, just as I spoke to Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon, even as far as the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and as far as the Great Sea toward the setting of the sun will be your territory. No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous, for you shall give this people possession of the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous; be careful to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may have success wherever you go…. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:3-7,9).

This passage not only shows His promises but that they are true. It is an example of God’s track record of being trustworthy which we will talk about more later.

Verse 9 in this passage, the last verse, is so encouraging as it is the promise of God’s presence and with that confidence, we can be strong and courageous. I don’t need to be disheartened, discouraged, troubled, or fearful because I am not alone. I am always in the presence of God the Father, the Holy Spirit the comforter, guide, and counselor, and Jesus, my Lord and Savior and brother. What a beautiful place to be!

There are 7,487 promises that God made to man in the Bible. If you Google search this, you will find a variation in number on this. The most accepted number seems to be 7,487. No matter what, it is a huge number! He has kept every single one!

Trusting God’s Character
Trusting God’s Love for Me

During the time that Kelsey was the sickest, I started to feel so far from God. I couldn’t understand how a loving God would allow such suffering. The two just don’t mix, especially when I firmly believe that God is able to heal her with just a word. If all things are under His sovereignty, then doesn’t His choosing to not heal her mean He wants her to suffer? Plus, it was just so unfair. My precious girl had done nothing to deserve this.

An old familiar anger started to creep back in, a sort of “frenemy” that felt awful and weirdly comforting. When I was younger, anger kept me away from people who may hurt me. So, in a strange way, anger felt safer. It also reminded me of how bad things were in my teenaged and very early twenties years. I call them the “black years” because I don’t have a lot of distinct memories from that time. Those years feel like both a fog and a black hole of pain. It felt awful to feel that familiar anger again because I don’t ever want to go back to that place emotionally. It’s scary. Certainly, you learn a lot in the pit. But you also learn you don’t ever want to go back there.

I have since learned that my anger in the black years was actually rage. It is an important distinction because I learned that my definition of rage was wrong. Rage is not “intense anger.” Rage is an “impaired expression of fear.” When I read Chip Dodd’s book, “The Voice of the Heart,” I gained a completely new understanding of my old anger, which was actually rage. Listen to his description: “Rage almost always lashes out from deep emotional and spiritual wounds. Rage-filled people are terrified of exposing their hearts…Rage tries to control the possibility of harm by rejecting fear and what the fear is telling us. Rage rejects our pain. Rage…defends against vulnerability by disconnecting or denying true fear” (Dodd, p. 104). I raged with a capital R-A-G-E back then because I was so afraid of vulnerability and the possibility of ever getting hurt again. I didn’t think I could take any more pain.

This time my anger was different. Anger results from feelings of betrayal or injustice. Anger, as Dodd explains, reveals our hunger for relationship and intimacy which is why we are angry when we are betrayed. Similarly, compassion is rooted in anger. When we see people being mistreated or counted as worthless, we feel angry about that injustice because of the compassion we feel for those people (Dodd, p. 80). I felt betrayed by God’s lack of healing. I felt injustice in that it just wasn’t fair for Kelsey to suffer as she did and still does. I didn’t feel rage because I had worked through my vulnerability issues by then.

What I have learned this time in dealing with anger is that it is OK to be angry with God. The first time I thought it was wrong and disrespectful to be angry with God. “How can you be angry with God when everything is for my good?” “Isn’t it biting the hand of the One who feeds you to be so disrespectful?” I remember those questions going through my head at that time but, in all honesty, I dealt with God the same way I dealt with anyone who hurt me: I cut Him out of my life. I gave up trying to believe. The fact that I admitted my anger with God and expressed it is proof of my willingness to be vulnerable and in relationship with Him.

During the second major testing of my faith, during the worst of Kelsey’s illness, I made the conscious choice that I was going to trust the character of God. I decided to choose trust and truth over distrust and lies. Every time my mind automatically went to some variety of “Why is God doing this to her/us?” I would answer it with the truth of God’s character. I would remind myself that God is good and that He is not designing this illness to happen. I would remind myself that God is love and that He absolutely loves me and my family. I would remind myself that God is patient, faithful, and compassionate and that He is showing Himself to us in ways I had never seen before. That was so comforting!

I also trusted that God wanted me, all of me, even the part of me that was so angry with Him. I read Ps. 22 and saw that it was good for David to cry out in anguish. He even tried to incite God to act against Saul’s men who were chasing him to kill him. David felt alone and betrayed. He was mad at God who had promised him a Kingdom but now he was on the run for his life! So, if David could cry out to God and express his anger, so can I. And, boy, did I!

There were days, many days, that I cried out. There were times I would stop in an empty parking lot on my drive to work and cry and scream everything I could at Him. Yes, that means all the words. I resolved for myself that God wants a full confession from me of how I am doing and feeling. So, I told Him. I know there are those that would find that horribly disrespectful but to them I say this: is it more disrespectful to be less than fully honest with my Creator who knows it all anyway?

This is a difficult thing for me to resolve within myself. I know God wants me to be completely honest with Him. I also know you need to be respectful. If I think of it in a parent-child relationship with my own children, I would be quite unhappy with such language and tone used towards me. I would say, “I’m ok with talking about anything you want to talk about but we aren’t going to do it this way.” As I sit and write this, I am still struggling with it. How do I reconcile that it isn’t ok for my child to talk to me that way, but it is ok for me to talk to God that way? Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that God can examine my heart and know absolutely and completely that my heart is for Him even though I am yelling at Him. With my child, in a moment like that, I would be feeling my own reactions and, honestly, would be tempted to yell back. It takes enormous self-control or Godly intervention to receive disrespect from your most loved person in the world and remain composed. I think it is only possible if you possess the ability to see into another’s heart, which God can and does. With my child, even though I know he loves me unconditionally as his parent, to be treated that way sends off alarm bells within me that say, “Am I going to lose him?” “Are things going to be said that can’t be erased?” “This is going to hurt!” But God knows me, knows my heart, and knows what is going to happen.

My anger with God was rooted in a desire for a relationship with Him. I wanted to be close to Him. My deepest desire was an intimate relationship with Him, but I felt so hurt, so betrayed, and so much injustice. I had to express that to him. I am 1000% convinced that expressing my anger to Him in whatever form it came in is what kept me in relationship with Him. Besides, if God can’t handle my anger, then I think I need a new god.

Referring back to the chapter on Surrender, I know that during Kelsey’s illness, I was only in Level 1 Surrender. I hadn’t reached Level 2 “abandonment” or Level 3 “contentment.” My surrendering left drag marks along the way. I had surrendered to God and acknowledged Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and I had begun the deeper level of surrender in surrendering to the Holy Spirit. There were definitely parts of me that had surrendered at this level and there was evidence of the fruit of the Spirit as a result. But I was certainly not adept at all nine fruits all the time. I wrestled with the hard questions. I wrestled with the hardest question “Why?”.

I believe it is the “Why?” question that is hardest question because it takes the next deeper level of surrender to fully appreciate the answer. So, any answer given to someone at a shallower level of surrender will usually feel trite and not good enough.

A husband who is truly devoted to his family is a great example of God’s love for us through provision and protection. My husband, Tim, is such a man. He worked a job for 20 years that, while it had its good points, overall, he didn’t enjoy it. He worked that job because it provided well financially in salary, health insurance, and retirement. It also allowed him to work from home which, during Kelsey’s illness, was so vital. Without him being at home, I would not have been able to work outside the home. His sacrifice for our family though has never been lost on me. He did it out of love.

I will never forget the first time he asserted himself to protect me. We were dating at the time and had gone out with a group of people who were friends of my friend. As things go sometimes when people start drinking, they get obnoxious. One man was determined to be “the big man” and buy everyone a drink. The problem was that I do not drink so I politely declined. He wouldn’t take “no” as my answer and kept pushing until Tim literally stood up and said, “She said No!” Man, that felt good! Over and over, throughout our marriage, Tim has protected me, whether it be stepping in when a child got disrespectful, stepping in and being a buffer between me and extended family that I was estranged from due to the abuse, making sure my Can-Am Spyder motorcycle is safe to ride, or just killing a bug for me.

God’s love for me is shown through nurture and care by girlfriends, sisters, and mom. A great example is a group of friends I’ve had since my kids were very little. During the worst time of Kelsey’s illness when I was struggling with my faith, I found the Bible classes at church on Wednesday nights dry and unfulfilling. So, on those nights, I would just find an empty classroom at church and just read for that hour. But my friends found me and wouldn’t leave me alone. In all, six of us started our own study and because we were all already close, we could share and be more vulnerable without fear of judgment. We built a closeness that got us through hard times, including Lisa’s cancer and death, Kelsey’s illness, COVID and the deaths of so many family members, a child’s divorce, other illnesses, and all the other difficulties of this world. But, in the in-between spaces, we rejoiced, laughed and lifted up each other.

Another example of nurturing and caring love is of my mom. I was a couple months shy of my 19th birthday when I tearfully told her that her father (my grandfather) had molested me for about ten years of my childhood, from about 3-4 years old to 14 years old. I cannot imagine the strength it took for her to set aside what she was feeling in that moment and focus on caring for me. She saved her own reaction for later that night in private (well, as private as it can be in a small house). But, for me, she just held me, asked a few pertinent questions, and never once doubted me.

Don’t miss the fact that when someone is providing and protecting, or nurturing and caring for you, they are showing the love of God both as an example of how He does those things for you and that He is showing you His love through those people.

Trusting God’s Peace

It was March 3, 2000, and it was a beautiful blue-sky day. I remember it clearly because of the gift God gave me that day. In the months prior, I had befriended a young woman, who I will call Jessica. I met her in an online chat room where I would pass the time when my husband was travelling and I couldn’t sleep. Jessica was about 18 years old and lived in a scary home situation. On Feb. 27, she said she was “going away” and then disappeared. I knew she was either going to hurt herself or put herself in a position to be hurt. I was so worried and scared for her. I prayed “harder” and more for her than I ever have before. Just about every waking thought was about her in prayer. On Friday, we already had plans to go see my parents for the weekend, so I packed up the kids and got on the road. During that three-hour drive, the kids slept for most of the way, and I listened to Christian music and prayed for Jessica.

Then suddenly I had a tingling sensation wave through my entire body starting at the top of my head and progressing down to my toes. Every part of me felt it. It wasn’t a chill. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before! And then I realized I wasn’t worried about Jessica anymore. As silly as it sounds, I even tried to be worried for her, and I couldn’t! I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was safe, and God had let me know. We enjoyed the weekend and when I got home Sunday night, I got online and found her in the chat room. I didn’t tell her what I had experienced. But she told me that she was ok and called the police at 2:30pm on Friday, March 3 to get help…the exact time I had the wave of tingles. It was a wave of peacefulness that I couldn’t wrap my mind around!

So, I did what I always did and went to talk with my pastor, Steve. Normally Steve is very neat and organized at his desk but this day there was a pile of papers all over his desk. I recounted my story to him and at the end he grabbed a piece of paper from on top of the pile and said, “Read this, I was just looking at it before you came in.” It was a photocopy of a newspaper article written by a man whose infant grandson was at death’s door. He had spent the night at his hospital bedside praying fervently for him until he had a “wave of peacefulness” come over him that felt like tingles from his head to his toes. He knew then that his grandson would be healed and indeed by the next morning he’d had a miraculous recovery! It was my same story! Same feeling, same peacefulness, and he even used the same phrase!

The peace that “surpasses all comprehension” (Phil. 4:7) is not the wave of tingles I experienced. The peace that I experienced was knowing that Jessica was safe. The peace that I experienced was not even being able to worry about her even when I tried to. The wave of tingles was God telling me “OK. I got her.” And I still can’t quite wrap my brain around it all.

Trusting God’s Integrity and Faithfulness

Early in my faith, my biggest area of weakness was feeling far from God during rough times. Without fail, with whatever life stressor or hardship was happening I would feel like God had moved away from me. There is an old saying, “If you feel far from God, who moved?” My answer was usually “I don’t think I’ve moved.” So, in my thinking, if I hadn’t moved and I feel far from God, then God must have moved. That is naïve and a false dichotomy. It isn’t an “either or” situation. The reality is that I need to move to draw closer to God in those times. James 4:8 says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” Sometimes God runs actively after you as He did when I met my husband, Tim (I’ll tell that story later!). Sometimes, He waits for you with open arms.

One of my hobbies is painting sayings and Scripture. I decided to take the command in Deut. 6:9 literally and I painted Bible verses as a border along the top of the walls in my bathroom in my home. I had always battled feeling far from God in the hard times, so I chose the theme of “Emmanuel: God With Us” for all the scriptures. I made a wood plaque with that theme and then chose verses that promised God’s presence and faithfulness such as “The Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you” (Deut. 31:6). I wanted visual reminders to build this part of my faith. I surrounded myself with God’s Word. I didn’t stop and read them all every time I went in that room. Often, I would catch a key phrase such as, “the one who goes with you” and it would remind me. Even just seeing them but not taking the time to read them reminded me. I knew they were there. I knew what they said. I knew the promises. They were always there reminding me. Over time, with the truth soaking into me so many times every day, it strengthened my faith. I no longer feel like God is far from me during trials. I KNOW He is with me, He goes before me, He is my strong tower, He will never forsake me nor fail me, He is my shield, my rock, my fortress. I no longer feel the distance in hard times.

God showed His faithfulness in one particular time that completely showed me that He saw me, and He knew what I needed. One morning about five years into Kelsey’s illness, I went to church by myself. Kelsey was in a time of relapse in Lyme disease and was reacting strongly to a new medication. She had been pretty sick for a couple of days. Even though she was 18 years old, one of us still stayed home with her when she isn’t feeling up to going to church. It isn’t that she couldn’t be by herself. We just know how much Kelsey likes to go to church and it seemed cold and heartless for both of us to walk out the door essentially saying by our leaving, “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” For us to leave and go where she really wants to go but yet she can’t, just seemed cruel.

Going to church by myself has always been difficult. I’m certainly not alone once I get there. But somehow my family going to church together serves as sort of a litmus test of how we are doing. If we all go, all things are well in the world. If one of us is missing, there is an empty space that is felt. And, if just one of us goes, well, it’s a difficult time. As I was driving to church, I was thinking, “I’d give anything to take this illness from Kelsey.” Then my counselor training kicked in and I thought, “Really? Anything?” You have to test the extreme and exaggerating words. My answer was, “No, not anything. I wouldn’t give up my soul.” Trading my long-termed soul for a short-termed illness made no sense. This life is short compared to eternity.

In church, I was emotional because my litmus test was failing. But just as God would have it (because I don’t believe in coincidences), the pastor preached exactly what I needed to hear that morning. The sermon text was Luke 9:57-10:3. In part of it, he talked about how we have to love God more than anyone and anything. He said, “I can’t imagine my life without my son. But I know I can’t survive without God.” God must be first. We must make decisions based on knowing we have an eternal life to think about and not just this short life on earth.

As I cried my way through church, I began to realize the different emotions I was having. The first, of course, being what I’ve already discussed. But I also realized I was feeling comfort. I was feeling the comfort of being in God’s ever-loving, ever-present arms. I know He sees me and my family. I know He knows my pain. And He knows just how to comfort me.

It is partly because of this story that my favorite name for God in the Bible is El Roi, “The God Who Sees.” It is from the story in Genesis when Hagar leaves her life with Abraham and Sarah because Sarah was treating her so badly. Sarah had gotten impatient with waiting for the fulfillment of God’s promise of her having Abraham’s child that she told Abraham to father a child with her servant Hagar. Abraham, in a moment of weakness listened to his wife and did what he was told. I guess he and Adam weren’t all that different. But when Hagar had conceived and Sarah was still barren, Sarah got jealous and treated Hagar terribly. So, Hagar ran away. Out in the desert, Hagar stopped at a spring of water, and it was at that moment that the angel of the Lord visited her. He told her to go back home and then prophesied over her. She was comforted and then she called him El Roi (Gen. 16:1-13). It is the only time in the Bible that name is used for God.

God always keeps His promises. Rom 8:28 is both a promise and a hindsight verse. I call it a hindsight verse because we see how God is redeeming it most often in hindsight, after the trial. It is also a verse that is risky to tell someone when they are in the thick of it and are struggling. I know for me, when we were in the thick of it with Kelsey’s illness, I had an overwhelming urge to throat punch anyone who quoted that verse to me. I know they were trying to be comforting but it just wasn’t. Remembering the levels of surrender, this is one of those things that someone in the first or second level of surrender just doesn’t feel. The deepest level of surrender is the one that is needed for this verse to be comforting during the trial.

The problem with using this verse to quote to someone else in a difficult time is that it will usually land in a way that is not intended. Let me put it this way. Imagine going and visiting Paul while he was in prison, shackled to the wall. Through the bars of the door, you see him and want to comfort him and say, “I know God will use this somehow for the good!” I try to imagine what Paul would think or say in response. If he was indeed at Level 3 surrender, I’m sure he said something like, “Amen, I know this to be true.” But if he were at a Level 2 moment, he may have said something like, “That is easier for you to say on that side of the bars.” At that point, it’s not a source of comfort but a source of loneliness. Citing Romans 8:28 feels more like sympathy than empathy. Sympathy lacks the “feeling with” that empathy has. Sympathy is more of a pity feeling whereas empathy is a joining with perspective and feeling. Empathy fuels connection but sympathy fuels disconnection (Brown, Empathy). This is why saying to someone, “God will make this good somehow” is risky. I know this verse is true because God’s promises are always true. But to use it as a source of comfort is often anything but.

In 1999, my husband and I decided to move our family across town to a place with better schools for our kids. We wanted to build our forever home there. Of course, in Texas “across town” means over 60 miles away. It was a big move. We found this beautiful lot on a cul-de-sac that bordered a small lake in the neighborhood. It was gorgeous! I love being around bodies of water. I am instantly relaxed. We bought the lot and started making plans. Unfortunately, we were so taken with the beauty of the lot that we didn’t do our full research of the area. It turns out the only church in that small suburb town was literally attached to the nursing home. The demographic there would not have been good for my spiritual growth or my family’s. I was genuinely concerned that my relatively new faith would not survive. Additionally, we began to realize that we didn’t want to leave the relationships we had spent years cultivating.

So, we did a literal about face and looked in the opposite direction that would keep us closer to the church and friends we loved but also find better schools for our kids. In 2001, we found a gorgeous lot that had a creek running through it. We had architectural plans drawn and looked forward to a beautiful new home for our family. But bit by bit, we began to realize, again, that this was just not the right place for us. I have to admit it really takes the wind out of your sails to make two really bad decisions that cost you a lot of money and time. We really wanted to sell this lot and get to a new home before the next school year started in August 2003. Trying to sell this lot was a nightmare for a lot of different reasons. After much prayer, we moved forward with looking for another home to buy. After two wrong purchases so recently, you would think that we would be gun shy. But we weren’t. In fact, we were at peace. We found a home in May and decided to put a contingency contract on it to give us time to sell the other lot and our current home.

Don’t miss this point. We had a mortgage on our current house, another loan on the lot, and a contingency contract that would close in August. But we felt peace. I knew beyond a doubt that we were doing what God wanted. We had people ask us if we were sure about this path. I understand that. I would question it too. But we were so at peace that we had no stress. We were finally able to sell the lot, but our current house was not selling. If that wasn’t enough, in July we learned that Tim would be losing his job. He had a new job lined up, but it was for the federal government, and you know how slow those wheels move. We had no idea how long it would take to actually get hired and get a start date. I think most people would have backed out of the contingency contract for the new home. Nope, we moved the closing date up a couple of weeks to make sure we closed before Tim lost his job.

So, after two bad decisions on lots, we were buying another home while we still had our existing home just at the time that Tim was losing his job. By the way, I wasn’t working at that time. I was a stay-at-home mom and a college student working on getting my counseling degree. But I knew we made the right decision for our family and for our kids. We made a decision prioritizing a location that would benefit our kids’ educations and continue to grow our faith. I knew that we were in God’s will. And I knew that I could trust His promises.

The day of the closing came. We went, signed all the papers that make you feel like you are signing away your next child, and then went to lunch with our realtor (my brother-in-law, Mark) to celebrate. We just took on the financial burden of two home loans. At lunch, Mark got a phone call, and it was an offer on our current house for the asking price! We closed in about 30 days, and we never had a double mortgage payment.

Certainly, we felt a peace that surpasses all understanding. I am grateful for the peace we had. But trusting God isn’t always peaceful. I didn’t feel that “surpassing all understanding” peace during Kelsey’s illness. Don’t confuse what you feel physiologically when you are uncomfortable with a lack of peace. But I trusted His promises anyway. Looking back on it now, I think it is possible the torment and helplessness of seeing my daughter wasting away in a very painful way overshadowed peace. There were moments I would experience something close to that peace when, as I mentioned earlier, Kelsey would pass out and I would utter my mantra, “Into your hands, O Lord.” It allowed me to wait patiently for her to regain consciousness. In those moments of waiting patiently were the sprinkles of peace that surpassed all understanding. That mantra, that prayer was trusting God with my precious daughter. It was trusting that He would keep His promises to me. Somehow through it all she would be ok, and so would I because God was with both of us.

Peace in these examples is the result of trusting God’s integrity and His faithfulness. As I am sure you are starting to see, God’s character traits do not happen in isolation. They work together and are often a result of each other.

Trusting God’s Patience

As I shared before in Trusting God’s Love for Me, my sharing with God exactly how I was doing and feeling is what preserved my faith during that time of trial. Any other outlet for those feelings would have not been adequate. I have had people tell me and I have heard it taught that being mad at God and expressing it in whatever way I need to express it is wrong and sinful. They also say that it is a weak point in my faith that I feel that way. They say it is weak to be mad at God because a strong faith would automatically (or automagically) know and trust that whatever is happening that is causing these feelings will be used for my good and therefore, there is no point in being angry.

To that, I respectfully disagree. God created us human and with human emotions. Therefore, we will feel them. If we refuse to experience our emotions or deny them, it will ultimately not go well for you. Expressing and processing our emotions is a vital part of reconciling our triparte beings. We are soul, spirit, and body. Our soul is the seat of our mind, will, and emotions. It is detrimental to deny or reject that. It is human to feel angry in situations involving betrayal and injustice. My daughter feeling the chronic pain, both physical and emotional, of a horrible disease is an injustice. Plain and simple.

I rely on God’s patience and love for me to allow me the space and time to process WITH Him the things that I am feeling. That is not abuse of His patience. It is trusting that He will, as He always has, be patient with me. I rely on His patience because I believe He knows that it will develop my spiritual formation and help me progress to deeper levels of surrender.

Through Kelsey’s illness I relied heavily on Psalm 22. Just the title of it spoke volumes to me, “A cry of anguish and a song of praise.” It was so comforting to me to know someone else cried out (and rather strongly!) to God in the midst of pain and desperation. Listen to the emotion in the first two verses and picture David crying out – not sobbing, but yelling with desperation and maybe even frustration, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning. O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest” (Ps. 22:1-2). Wow! I could so relate to that! And still do at times! But here is the trick, so to speak. The next three verses praise God and reminds himself of who God is, “Yet You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; they trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; in You they trusted and were not disappointed” (Ps. 22:3-5). The next three verses are David crying out again and he tells God that he is hated by the people, and the people are mocking him and God. But then he shifts again in the next two verses of praising God and remembering just who God is and what He is able to do. He continues this pattern through the psalm and ends with praise and affirmation of God’s sovereignty.

The Psalms are full of emotion! They can help you process your emotions by helping you name them and speak them. They model to you healthy ways to express those emotions. You also can know that you are not alone in your suffering. A short list of Psalms that can give you a start is Psalm 6, 10, 13, 22, 77, 142, and 143. But these are just scratching the surface of what is available to you in the Psalms.

Long-suffering is a synonym of patient. It is also one more way that I know God experiences what I experience. I have no doubt that I have tested His patience. He has long suffered with me. I am not saying that in a self-deprecating way. Not at all! I am, in all humility, confessing my too-often slow obedience, my sometimes “sailor speak,” and all my other sin that I cannot completely list. I am sure He has looked at me and thought, “Girl! What are you doing?” “Audra, all you have to do is come to Me!” “I have heard your affliction, Audra” (Gen. 16:11). “Audra, I promise it is easier My way.”

I am a living testimony of His patience. He could have cut me off. He could have left me in the wilderness desert. But He didn’t! He was faithful, steadfast, and patient with me as I worked through my emotions by bringing them to Him. He was faithful and steadfast and patient with me when I was slow in my obedience, sin, and trust.

Trusting God’s Justice and Mercy

Sometimes God uses people to display His justice and mercy. One such time for me was in the Fall of 2019. As Director of a church affiliated counseling center, I had made the decision to convert from paper therapy notes to Electronic Health Records (EHR). I did extensive research and prayed a lot about the decision to commit the finances to it and in the selection of an EHR software. I felt God leading me to a decision on a company I will call “Inspire” and they offered us a great deal. I thought we were getting the Bentley for a Nissan car price. I committed several thousand dollars to this and started getting the team trained.

A few weeks into this process I came to realize that I had made a really bad choice. It was far too complicated and difficult to learn, and it really couldn’t do the things I needed it to do to streamline the administrative tasks. I felt such a sense of failure! I had failed in my selection, I failed in spending the money, and worst of all, I failed in hearing God correctly. My confidence was shot!

I walked upstairs to the church offices hoping to catch Marty, the Lead Pastor, and be able to talk to him. Our church is a “moderately sized mega-church” which means that upper leadership, especially the Lead Pastor, is usually very busy and not available spontaneously. But that day, when I got to Marty’s door, he was just walking in for a couple minutes to get something from his desk. When he saw me, he saw the distress on my face and immediately set down his backpack and offered to sit and talk.

I cried and told him what had happened and how I was feeling. And then I asked if I had lost his confidence in me. He was patient and kind and offered his support. But then he told me of his biggest failure as a pastor. In that moment, he offered compassion and mercy through his vulnerability. He could have said the words that were so loud in my head; but instead, he shared that he too had been in the same boat as me, that he too had had his confidence shaken by a mistake. He saw and felt my heart. That is compassionate justice. He could have been punitive for my mistake, and I certainly would have deserved it, but he wasn’t. He was merciful.

God used Marty that day to tend to me. He used Marty to show me compassion and mercy. It wasn’t a coincidence that Marty was available at just that time. God lined it up just for me.

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Making God Tangible Blog Post

Deep and Wide

Published Oct. 4, 2012

A large part of my job as a counselor is to help people learn to love and accept themselves – not just as how they should love themselves but how God loves them. It is astounding how many people don’t fully grasp and accept the love that God has for them.

I used to be one of those people. I used to know only my worthlessness. I used to know only that I am dirty. I was shameful in its truest sense – full of shame. I can’t say that I ever hated myself, but I sure didn’t like what I saw. And, if I didn’t like what I saw, then how could anyone else?

“Does God love you?” I asked a client.

“The Bible says He does. So, yes,” she said. It’s the Sunday school answer.

“Why would He love you? How do you know? What proof do you have?” I pushed further.

“Because Jesus died for me,” she responded.

“And He made you. He made you and bought you. You are His twice over,” I said.

“I just wish I felt it,” she said.

“What are you expecting to feel?” I asked. I get a stunned look in response.

“Well, that’s a good question. I don’t know.”

“Are you expecting a warm and ooshy gooshy love feeling?” She knows me well enough to know that I am not mocking her. We sit in silence for a moment as she ponders the question. “Warm and ooshy gooshy isn’t what I feel,” I said. She asked the obvious next question.

Once I fully got it, once I really grasped that God loved me for no other reason than that He created me and He bought me with the blood of Jesus Christ, my confidence grew. No longer was my self-worth based on what I thought of myself. No longer was it based on knowing that someone else devalued me. No longer was it based on what I could or couldn’t do or who I did or didn’t know. God loves me because I am me. Plain and simple.

With accepting that truth, the possibility of failure loses its sting. I no longer shrink from challenges. With knowing God’s devotion and longing for me, I no longer doubt His presence in my life. With understanding His steadfast love for me, I can be angry with Him and know that it is OK. Fully realizing God’s unfailing, unconditional, unchanging love gives me a confidence that says, “I’m OK.” Someone may not like me and that may hurt my feelings but that doesn’t affect me to my core. I may fail horribly at something, and I’ll be disappointed in myself but that doesn’t affect me to my core. I’m OK because God says I am.

It’s hard to say exactly how you come to fully realize this. Part of it is coming to a point of being so tired of carrying the old junk that holds you down that you decide to try something new. The old way of thinking doesn’t get you where you want to be, so you have to try thinking something different. If holding onto lies fails you, then what do you do? Hold on to the truth.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~ ~ Eph. 3:16-19

Getting off the Judge Roy Scream

Published Aug. 16, 2014

Kelsey told me yesterday that I needed to write another blog. “Why?” I asked. “Because it’s been two months, and I like reading it.” What more motivation do I need?

I’ve struggled lately to write. My thoughts seem far too jumbled to be able to organize them. It’s been an emotionally draining summer: the realization that Kelsey’s treatment wasn’t working (and knowing that IV meds are next), helplessly seeing Kelsey’s pain increase, the loss of a dear friend, my last year at church camp (I’ve gone for the last 12 years), carrying through on the decision to change churches (after being at Cedar Hill for 19 years), and a couple other things. It’s been a lot to say the least.

The one theme that has held through it is the continuing question in my head of “What is different this time around?” My faith has felt so much stronger even though I felt weaker. It’s a point that bugged me because I couldn’t understand how that could be when, in the midst of it, I wasn’t really feeding my faith. I wasn’t reading my bible; I was barely doing my bible study; I stopped reading my “Jesus Calling” devotional.

At camp, one of my favorite times of the day is the very last activity of the day. We all go to the amphitheater that overlooks the lake, and we sing and have a short devotional. It is the most beautiful spot on the property with trees surrounding you but open sky right above. And, as you look out, there is the moonlit water with a cross in the foreground. It’s my constant reminder that God created all of this beauty, and He sacrificed His Son for me so that I can enjoy an unimaginable beauty in His presence and one day sing with the angels. One night, the youth minister, Matt, asked everyone to describe God. Randomly, yet with such inherent order, a voice would speak out, “Love,” “All powerful,” “Peace,” “My everything,” “All knowing,” “I am,” “Good.” The responses went on. It is still so difficult to describe what that moment was for me, but it was as if I felt the presence of God so keenly in the moment of those descriptions. It was like being among the angels praising God.

I thought about writing about it then, but I just couldn’t process it well in my head to really understand what it meant. But today, at Kelsey’s urging to write, I see the puzzle pieces fall together. This week’s bible study answered my question. The answer came in a question, “Do you base your faith on what God does or who He is?” Beth Moore, in our bible study, talked about riding the “roller coaster of faith of being up one day and down the next” if you base your faith on what God does (Moore, p. 163).

I have to admit that to a large extent my faith has been a roller coaster. The last big testing of my faith was during the first 2-3 years of Kelsey’s illness. I never felt in danger of losing my faith, but I was certainly angry with God and rode those hills up and down (screaming included). But this time around with Kelsey’s relapse, with the losses I’ve had, I’ve not felt those hills. One near and dear to me asked how I got to this point and all I can think is that my focus changed without my conscious effort. I think that night at camp was so powerful to me in large part because it focused on who God is rather than what He does. I think consistently seeking God’s hand and presence keeps me focused on His character. What is true about God has always been true. He doesn’t change. So, my faith based on Him doesn’t change either.

To end, I will borrow a prayer from Beth Moore,

“God, I can’t understand why You’re doing this. But I know that, unlike me, Your actions cannot be inconsistent with Your heart, and I know Your heart is loving, good, and faithful. Somehow, some way, somewhere all these things are for good. If I could just know You better through this, that is all the good I need” (Moore, p. 164).

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Chapter Summary and Reflection
The character of a person includes their core beliefs and how the person will respond, especially in challenging situations. Character is reliable. Character is consistent over time and situations. Character can change but it is a change deep within the soul (mind, will and emotions) of a person. It is a more difficult change than a behavior change. Behavior reflects character.
God is good, patient, holy, peace, just, and faithful…and so much more.
Is it hard for you to believe that God is love? Why or why not?
When have you witnessed or experienced God’s goodness, peace, patience, and/or faithfulness?
Is there someone that you need to forgive? What step are you willing to take today?